Angelina Jolie almost kidnapped not almost kidnapped

March 12th, 2007 // 83 Comments

UN Goodwill Ambassador Angelina Jolie reportedly foiled a kidnapping attempt on her life. She tells the News of the World:


Angelina Jolie always sounds like she’s leading the most exciting life. All I did over the weekend was punch a terrorist in the mouth before stealing his helicopter and blowing up a gang of pirates. I guess nobody ever tries to kidnap me because they know they’d also be kidnapping the worst ass-kicking they’d ever receive in their entire lives.

UPDATE: I took the quote down because apparently it was 100% made up.


  1. sumnersgal

    Baby Shiloh – I feel so sorry for you. Your mom doesn’t love you near as much as the others. However – you have one HOT ASS Dad!

  2. Nikk The Templar

    #49 – I just choked on my drink…that was hilarious….

  3. lilygirl

    #2 Ha ha ha ha, you’re sick, I love it.

    @48, could you just get syphilis and DIE already?! God you are fucking annoying. Why are you defending her you fucking bull dyke? Everyone knows she’s a home-wrecking Whore, that’s right with a capital W! Fuck her and her fabrications.

    Oh and #49, Brilliant!

  4. Michael1

    Sounds like fish lips is getting a tad bored and needs some via trying to play lara croft again.
    Most people would be smart enough to shut up about something like this, at least until an investigation is complete and to avoid copycat incidents. But one of Hollywood’s biggest attention whores is burbling on (yeah, we see you Angie).

    “Massive Ransom”?? Oh, yeah, you’re so crucial to world peace and the survival of orphans in the 3rd world that your skinny ass commands massive sums of cash. And by cash I mean semen. You’re confusing your status as being among the top ten jack off fantasies with being genuinely important, Ms. Jolie.

  5. isitme

    Hello, Venus in furs,
    Your name implies that you are a stupid bonde bitch, married to an older man. Get with the REAL world, bitch! You know…Angelina Jolie is today’s Joan Crawford…Brad Pitt has become her “pool boy”, and it’s not cool to wear fur, anymore…Cunt! Get a job!

  6. isitme

    Venus…DROP Howard Stern, and give up Baby Dannylyn…Gee, those strip clubs were bad for you…Why don’t you marry a REALLY rich guy, treat him like TOTAL shit, and then demand his money? OH? You’re basically doing that! How’s that fur feel? I hope that your stupid blonde ass enjoys it as much as the animal that wore it…CUNT! And you feel like, after your champagne haze, you can defend Skangelina…go right ahead…you might want to take your fur off, and wait for the old man to go sleepy before you regale us with your “wisdom”.

  7. Raku

    She is gorgeous, I am very much impressed by everything she does for film and society.

  8. Niecy

    As if she doesn’t get enough press with her international baby collection, now she has to make up stuff just to get herself in the news.

  9. jrzmommy

    What Angie left out was that the alleged would-be kidnapper was a hirsute, Birkenstock-clad, crazed and delusional “female” fan exhibiting Libra characteristics……..just sayin’.

  10. gatorgirl

    Somewhere Aniston is out there asking “Damn, how much more do I need to pay to get this bitch off the earth???”

  11. gatorgirl

    Uh oh, sorry jrzmommy, didn’t mean to be the thread under you again today, don’t call me a moron please, I’m very sensitive!

  12. jrzmommy

    61– I didn’t call you moron …that was clearly marked as a comment to another person, although I don’t remember where, but I know what you’re talking about. Jeez, put on your big-girl panties and don’t be so sensitive!

  13. gatorgirl

    wahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! You’re mean and I’m telling the hall monitor!!!!!!!! I hate you and I’m gonna go try to kidnap Skankalina and her 17 United World of Beneton kids!!!! And blame it on jr! wahhhhh!

  14. VeronicaRedux

    It wasn’t a kidnapping, it was an attempted ADOPTION. Gaaah.

  15. VeronicaRedux

    Maybe it was Brad’s way of breaking up with her. Someone else offered to pay him more to be their nanny.

  16. HoraceMcTittiesworth

    Damn it, we almost were gonna live in a world without this whore! Damn you, Angelina, for thwarting your own kidnapping!


    I am so glad they did not get her. I love this woman. To hot for words


    9. Posted by bluecanary on March 12, 2007 2:47 PM

    God, I wish someone WOULD kidnap her. I’m so sick of her faux
    Is that you Chinny, haaaaaaa, You Fug Fraud, Go walk Norman, its the only man you will ever have. No one wants you. This is way Brad Kicked your fug mug to the curb.. lol

  19. jrzmommy

    Jennifer Aniston must have something big, like a movie premier or she just found the cure for cancer or some shit and this is Angelina’s way of stealing her thunder for the nth time.

  20. VeronicaRedux

    Massive ransom in a third world country? What was it $32.50?

  21. 86

    49 I heart you

  22. 86

    PS if you can’t come here and make fun of celebrities that aren’t dead or have sick kids then fuck off. How many times do we have to tell you that we don’t want to hear how much you like these assholes. Keep it to yourself.

  23. roflmao

    can someone ban herbiefrog?
    its taking away from my reading experience

  24. Libraesque

    I’m starting to feel like a celebrity Jizz. I don’t come to the Fish for days, and yet I’m mentioned in almost every thread!

    I’m gonna guess #49 hasn’t gotten laid in a loooooooooooooooooooong time

    #86….you and your “we” can go fuck yourselves, loser

  25. 86

    You’re either 13 or someone aint hittin it right.

  26. imran karim

    yeah MASSIVE ransom

  27. Shanipie

    She’ll probably end up planning her own kidnapping so everyone feels bad for her and gives her even more attention.

    BTW I know she is a “home-wrecking whore” as so many people say but I mean you CANNOT steal a GOOD husband. Brad Pit is as much to blame, infact even more. You can’t make anyone cheat who doesn’t want to.

    BTW I want Angelina to die already, seriously, I fucking hate her.

  28. isitme

    Libraesque, (whatever that is…)
    My sex life has nothing to do with Skange (I HAVE been told by many non-stolen men that I was their best LUHVA). But I have never traded in career and marriage for the big ole bend-over that Brad Pitt has…Skange has to be packing! I’m sure that the grocery list is…fresh blood, 16-year-old virgin, diapers X 20, formula X 20, Special K, pickles, lunchables, eye liner, vaseline, and KY. And a stun gun for the next non-existing faction that will try to kidnap The Skange-ster…can we fund them? Unfortunately, that’s just a hypothetical question, considering there ARE no kidnappers. Maybe we could pay people to think about it…Here’s the ticket! We all give money to kidnap Paris and Skange! We ALL know that that’s no virgin, but Skange can kill her after sucking her bloodless!

  29. isitme

    By the way, Lib, we’re not up to 86, so make a point…I think we’re having problems, so just bend over, and I’ll call Skange. Can I ask if you’re a virgin?…She’ll wanta know.

  30. isitme

    OH! I usually don’t read all the comments, but I heart you, too, 86! I guess I owe an apology to Libraesque (WHATEVER THAT IS!), but I still don’t like the comments about MY sex life…my business, satisfied customers, and everyone SINGLE! I guess that’s the difference between me and Skange…plus the whole blood-sucking thing.

  31. lilygirl

    Oh and PS. what good movies has she actually been in? I know she has been in a shit load of movies but they all suck, can someone name one decent film she was in? She gets WAY more credit then deserved, especially as an “actress”.

  32. zena marie

    To the gullible: if someone had actually attempted to kidnap A-Jo, do you honestly think a few bodyguards could have twarted it?… why is she babbling about it, if it were and actual kidnapping attempt (D’oh)?… and why in the holy fuck do you think anyone other than you and your mouth-breathing, drooling kindred would think she’s that important?

  33. lol, i can’t imagine angeline trying to take things in her own hands….and where was brad?

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