Angelina Jolie almost kidnapped not almost kidnapped

March 12th, 2007 // 83 Comments

UN Goodwill Ambassador Angelina Jolie reportedly foiled a kidnapping attempt on her life. She tells the News of the World:


Angelina Jolie always sounds like she’s leading the most exciting life. All I did over the weekend was punch a terrorist in the mouth before stealing his helicopter and blowing up a gang of pirates. I guess nobody ever tries to kidnap me because they know they’d also be kidnapping the worst ass-kicking they’d ever receive in their entire lives.

UPDATE: I took the quote down because apparently it was 100% made up.


  1. amaritimer

    she’s so hot most men would want to kidnap her…

  2. p-britty

    I’m a chick and I would kidnap her! Then I would cut her face off and wear it as a mask… hahaha

  3. jrzmommy

    Maddox points a toy gun at her and this is what she turns it into…

  4. Nikk The Templar

    Serves her lame ass right for trying to play Humanitarian.

    She should leave that kind of work to the professionals.

  5. stevob2006

    would anybody really miss her?

  6. Maybe they tried too…but her lips wouldn’t fit into the creepy van! derpa derp derp!+

  7. NipsyHustle

    she’s going to get fucked by a whole village of uncut AIDS patients. then she’ll be elevated to sainthood for sacrificing her life to help those in need. But something tells me she’s still destined to burn in hell.

  8. Stink

    Did she get caught stealing another rugrat?

  9. bluecanary

    God, I wish someone WOULD kidnap her. I’m so sick of her faux humanitarian bullshit.

    Just a publicity stunt to distract people from the fact she’s a dirty tattooed freak who french kisses her brother, steals someone’s husband, and wears vials of blood around her neck.

  10. Hemlock Queen

    Angelina. Super Humanitarian of the World. She needs more kids, the first six weren’t enough. But still hot enough to go lesbian for. hah hah

  11. Lowlands

    I think it was skeletor who’s trying to kidnap her.

  12. mztry

    Thank GOD a criminal was thwarted in his attempt to bring harm to this beautiful woman!

    NO, Jennifer is NOT behind it!

  13. herbiefrog

    you just wish…

    …you could
    …have been


    thanks babe : ))

  14. I don’t care how much good you do in the public eye, it’s how you live your private life that matters. She is a home-wrecking whore.

  15. It’s great that her life isn’t too different than her movies.

  16. She is a very beautiful and talented actress. Just my favorite

  17. licklick

    I hope next time the kidnappers are a little bit better organized.

  18. schack

    if she’s really interested in destabilizing the system, she should quit being ostentatious in the same old way.

    she’s like that princess from “drawn together” who makes the dildo man sick so that she can “take care of him.” you’re dabbing peroxide on the very cancer that you are, you stupid bitch…

    that aside, she’s ostentatious in style. she’s so fucking pretty.

  19. chiris

    How boring!! It would have been better if they had actually kidnap her, this news is worthless

  20. Whammer Jammer

    #5: I sure as hell wouldn’t. If I never hear her name again it will be too soon.

  21. Manistoned

    Aniston was kidnapped recently. Ransom was a bag of Doritos and half a pack of Marlboros.

  22. neo_maxie_zoom_dweebie

    #21 That has to be danielle trying to keep busy. A smart person would’ve asked for a whole carton of smokes.

  23. outrageous.opinion

    Um, I’m confused. Who would pay this massive ransom to have Jolie released?

    I could understand if some one was planning “kid” napping……..for a missive ransom, but “home wrecker” napping?

  24. ponk

    are you
    in sentence
    or do you
    that is

  25. kitty_kat

    #11- HAHAHA! That was awesome!

  26. kitty_kat

    This chick seriously needs to get over herself. I agree with #20.

  27. Dory

    While she’s saying this

    “It was in a small village. I won’t say where, or with whom, but some gangsters planned to kidnap me and extort a massive ransom. I was warned at the last minute, and managed to escape, luckily.”

    The Frog is really thinking this

    “It was in a small village. I won’t say where, or with whom, but I was doing all these really great things and there was no photographers taking photos of me so I paied some poor, stinky people massive amounts of money (at least massive to them $5 to me)to make up a rumor about how some gangsters planned to kidnap me and extort a massive ransom. The photographers came just like I knew they would to take more photos of my frog like face but I was warned at the last minute, and managed to pretend I was annoyed at them being there taking photos of me faking doing really great things, luckily.”

  28. D'oh Eyes

    GAWWSH, she nauseates me to no end.

    I wish she’d get over herself and her perceived magnificence and eminence in our daily lives. You can tell that she think’s the patron saint of humanitarians. Get off it and just admit that you parade around to try to make yourself feel better for being a adulterous freak.

  29. D'oh Eyes

    @27 ha ha, PERFECTO.

  30. sid

    Okay, I was just testing.

    I can’t post at home and I thought I was banned for complaining about the jokes for the last week.

    I’m at the library, which means I can’t jerk off and write at the same time, which is a real drag.

    Has anybody had similar login problems? Or has my ISP been banned? It still says “welcome sid,” but I can’t post :(

  31. Celetina

    You know it was just two guys who were idly wondering what she was doing there. I imagine they walked up to her, asking if she’d been in the country long, when she pepper-sprayed them both and ran away screaming.

  32. Just Say No To Jolie

    What his cunt won’t do for attention. Reminds me of the time she hired a hitman to kill her. Oh yeah, she’s changed loads.

  33. Margaret

    A commenter on Us Weekly’s story of the kidnapping is hawking Team Kidnappers shirts for $19.95. I’m getting one. Do ya’ll want one, too? Angie (Lara) has finally gone over the edge with this cock and bull story. And where is Pitt in all this – at home mindin’ the kids. What a wuss. What a way to run the United Nations.

  34. HollyJ

    She makes my naughts bits all moist like Duncan Hines Butter Recipe Golden cake mix.

  35. Tabroid

    When Little Brown Adoptees Attack.

  36. Stace

    Team Kidnappers…LOL!

  37. sexybitch

    I believed Tonya Harding, too, when she fought off all those kidnap attempts. They’ve just gone international.

  38. renee

    Is it just me or does she look like a dude in the picture? I think its the massive neck….

    Anyway, onto the topic at hand. No one tried to kidnap her, the gansters she was talking about were probably the family of some kid she was trying to steal, who were trying to keep her from adding to her collection.

  39. arden

    She’s incredible. Bully for her . . . and fuck ya if you don’t think so.

  40. Almost only counts in horseshoes & hand grenades.

    I cast my vote for Sid as the new Superficial writer.
    This person that writes this shit now should go back to working the window at McDonalds.

  41. I totally did this too last weekend! We’re like twins now :)

    “All I did over the weekend was punch a terrorist in the mouth before stealing his helicopter and blowing up a gang of pirates. I guess nobody ever tries to kidnap me because they know they’d also be kidnapping the worst ass-kicking they’d ever receive in their entire lives.”

  42. sexybitch

    #41 Either Sid or Mr. Semprini. Sid will have Thora Birch in every story, but Mr. Semprini knows everyone.
    The new guy is flat as two day old beer.

  43. Too bad it didn’t work …

  44. They would’ve might be able to make her eat …
    Everyone has lost a close family member, get over it Voight …

  45. That sounds about as credible as my story on being a transsexual gypsie in my previous life.

    Are we sure that she just wasn’t going over the plot to her next movie?

  46. Fifth Stooge

    Even Lowlands is better than this putz.

    That’s a compliment Lowlands.

  47. venus_in_furs

    I just need to say that all of you haters are really pathetic. At least she actually uses her fame for a better cause. You bitch when celebrities just shop and buy houses and then you bitch when they get involved with causes instead of just shopping and buying houses.

    And to HerpesHilton, I did not realize that you were the third person in Brad and Jen’s marriage and have ACTUAL proof that Angelina is a home-wrecking whore…

  48. isitme

    She goes from blood-smeared skank of the year, to Mother Theresa Jr, and all it took was a stylin’ Cambodian orphan. If she’s such a humanitarian, where is the poor little handicapped child? EVERYTIME she’s pictured with her family of photo-ops, she’s playing the “protective” mother role, and as soon as they’re alone, you know that she tosses those kids to the first in-sight nanny, injects her lips, sucks the breath out of a 16-year-old virgin, fucks Brad Pitt in the ass, crank calls Jennifer Aniston, screams at her publicist because that bitch Anna Nicole died, and SHE’s adopting again…plant story that she’s the baby’s father, OR offer to adopt it…, scratches her huge balls, and invents MORE stories about how fucking wonderful she is. In the story she just made up, do the bodyguards live in her head? Maybe she should explain them away, before acting like she’s NOW Rambo. Hello, normal people! This bitch isn’t capable of being kidnapped by a bunch of roadside thugs! Yet, some believe her…maybe Skange and her fans should be abducted by UFOs, and deposited on an island…Yeah, Yeah! That’s the ticket…an island, I say, and Jon Lovitz lives there…that’s the ticket!

  49. herbiefrog

    there is a reason why
    some people hate so much…
    they almost cant help themselves…



    quiet… : ))

    [lol babes]

    [...are we nearly there yet?]

    no… we are still pretending


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