Everybody Hates Angelina Jolie

“All day and all night, I kept asking, ‘Mother, why will she not let Brad Pitt drive the fuel truck? The fuel truck is his friend.'”
“God… dammit…”

If you have a vagina, then you’re probably not going to be surprised that Hollywood has rallied around Brad Pitt and basically told Angelina Jolie to go fuck herself and that they never liked her. Real adult shit. Page Six reports:

After Pitt’s triumphant appearance at the Globes, Jolie apparently realized there was, in fact, one thing even she couldn’t do: Make people in Hollywood hate Brad Pitt. The subtext was even worse: They tolerated her only because of him.
Less than 24 hours after Pitt’s re-emergence, she issued a joint statement with him that read, in part, that they were “committed to act as a united front” and that they were hiring a private judge to keep everything confidential. Most interestingly, Page Six reported last week that Jolie had begun reaching out to top Hollywood publicists for help in rehabbing her image.
So far, no one’s interested.

According to Lainey Gossip, Angelina Jolie’s BBC interview was the opening move in rehabilitating her image, so what better time to show everyone how she feeds her children spiders and scorpions. Haha! Moms. Via PEOPLE:

“They can eat a bag of crickets like a bag of chips,” she said.
The Oscar-winning actress shares six children with her ex Brad Pitt: Maddox, 15, Pax, 13, Zahara, 11, Shiloh, 10, and twins Knox and Vivienne, 8. And she told ABC’s George Stephanopoulos that all of her children enjoy a good, tasty insect.
“They’re used to eating scorpions,” she said. “Especially Shiloh. Shiloh loves a tarantula, loves a bug.”

All jokes aside, this does show Angelina Jolie to be an attentive mother who’s exposing her children to a variety of cultures whereas my mom likes Cracker Barrel and thinks transgenders should only be called transvestites, so I’m no position to judge and it’s a miracle I can even read. On top of that, Brad Pitt’s interaction with the kids seems to be getting shitfaced drunk whenever he’s stuck on a plane with them, so he should probably step up his game because Angelina Jolie is teaching them Rambo shit. When Trump bombs us all to hell, these kids will be running things because dudes like me will hang ourselves at the first sight of a Chipotle buried in rubble.

“No lime chips?! Spear me in the face, Shiloh. Spear me dead!”

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Photo: Getty