Andrew Dice Clay on Charlie Sheen

March 18th, 2011 // 114 Comments

Captain Andrew Dice Clay of the S.S. OH!, was stopped by the paparazzi this week who asked his thoughts on Gilbert Gottfried getting fired by Aflac for his tsunami of, well, tsunami jokes. What they got instead was an expletive-filled rant on Charlie Sheen that sadly didn’t end with a parrot landing on his shoulder and going, “Bi-winning. SQUAWK!” Via RadarOnline:

“Nobody has got the balls to tell this guy how f***ed up he is. He’s on TV terrorizing newscasters because they’ve seen him waving a f***ing machete in the air. He’s f***ing saying, ‘I’m winning.’
“Let me tell you something Charlie, I used to be a big fan of what you do, you did some great movies in the past, you had the opportunity to be on one of the greatest sitcoms of this f***ing decade and then you go on TV and promote f***ing drugs, you call that winning?”
And there’s more.
“You call winning when there’s f***ing custody battles, your kids are being taken from you and you’re living with two f***ing porno actresses that I could watch on YouTube, (bleeping) myself off and shut on the off button?
“And then you go on TV and promote f***ing drugs. You call that f***ing winning when you get f***ing fired from a hit f***ing sitcom? You call that winning?
“And you think you’re f***ing winning going from a hit show to a f***ing cooking show tossing a f***ing salad?”
“I’m sick of watching the Charlie f***ing Sheen show.”
Clay ended his angry explosion telling Sheen, “You’re not a rock star, you’re not a comic. You’re the biggest f***ing loser in the world as far as I’m concerned, okay? Go get the help you f***ing need.”

In fairness, Charlie Sheen has sold out Radio City Music Hall – twice, while Andrew Dice Clay is doing whatever it is that Andrew Dice Clay even does these days. (Pirate porn? I’m going with pirate porn.) That said, Charlie actually has to show up to these things and entertain a live audience which no one seems to be concerned about. Go back and watch the first episode of Sheen’s Korner, and then imagine that in front of a packed theater. Or even better, imagine your mom and dad who love Two and a Half Men but can’t get online without a Sherpa buying tickets and getting to experience the real Charlie Sheen. “There was all this talk of tiger blood, your father and I just didn’t get it. The couple next to us had to be carted out on a stretcher when he brought out a prostitute. A prostitute! He should go back to that nice show with the little boy. That was good clean fun.”

Photos: Splash News


  1. Pirates don’t have fanny packs, they have booty bags.

  2. Aggie

    “One of the best sitcoms of the decade”? And Charlie Sheen’s the one with low standards cuz he lives with porn stars? Really?

  3. accuracy

    just to bump/2nd dudeatdudedotcom, the Diceman sold out Madison Square Gardens, twice. he might look like a shambles now, but he was big shit twenty years ago, and knows a thing or two about what he’s talking about.
    also, he’s got a fucking eyepatch; your move sheen.

  4. See Alice

    Adventures of Ford Fairlane …………. Mr. Rock and Roll Detective . What a great movie .
    Dice sold out MSG twice in his hayday . Now thats quite a fifteen minutes .

  5. Andrew Dice Clay Charlie Sheen
    Commented on this photo:

    He’s absolutely right. He’s so right, that I don’t even care about what he’s wearing. He could be wearing a diaper and still that expletive laden rant would be the most comprehensive analysis of the situation to date. Every aspect of present day Sheen analyzed in a few off the cuff paragraphs. Cheers, Dice.

  6. You’d be mad too if your only source of revenue was getting skull-fucked in the eye socket.

  7. Andrew Dice Clay Charlie Sheen
    Commented on this photo:

    Why is that pirate smuggling chinchillas in his pockets?

  8. Evil

    Weird, I have to agree with him.

  9. Clara

    Gee, everyone is hating on Dice, but sounding just as hateful as he. Carlos has blown his lie up his nose. Anyone can see that.

  10. Clara

    Life, that is. Sorry.

  11. Caroline


  12. ThaCandyQueen

    AMEN!!!! F
    Right in the money, Mr.Clay, couldn’t have said it better!

  13. Hellisforsissies

    Well now! The funniest thing about all of these comments is the fact that a person named after a stop-action, animated, clay figure is telling people their posts are crap! BTW gumby, where’s pokey because its’ about time for Mr. Bill to stretch your little aquamarine ass into an unrecognizable shape!

  14. Hassen Ben-Soba

    Now that Clay has had his 10 minutes, he should crawl back into the hole he came from.

  15. Nick Fury

    I am pretty sure that is Nick Fury from Marvel Comics. No doubt that is him!!

  16. cc

    Time for a frame-off resto, Ford Fairlane.

  17. zomgbie

    one attention whore telling another attention whore how to get attention the proper way.
    dressed like that.

  18. Deina

    Dice can’t dress himself, but I agree with every single point he made. Too bad Charlie can’t be bothered to listen to anyone but the voices in his head and the enablers he surrounds himself with who are just waiting for him to implode so they can grab as much as they can and run.

    • Shanna

      start it out with something bad and then say something good. why dont you either say good things or say bad things. ooh he cant do a damn thing but hes GREAT !!! ……

  19. dicerulz

    He has a retinal injury A-holes. The girl in the green is his lovely wife..and one doesn’t become as successful as he has by being a buffoon. Charlie Sheen had his fathers coattails to ride on..its easy to attain fame when you’re born into it..Try turning yourself into something from nothing and without any help..THAT is talent and innovation

  20. dicerulz

    Men at Work? That was quality..winning? When you’re suffering from cocaine induced psychosis and narcicisstic personality disorder you’re not winning, and the general population should not be careless enough to be entertained by it. It’s just sad.

  21. 7L

    whos the chic???????????????

  22. Andrew Dice Clay Charlie Sheen
    Commented on this photo:

    Seriously what happened to his eye.

  23. Andrew Dice Clay Charlie Sheen
    Commented on this photo:

    hahaha! I saw this on!

  24. Bill

    Yeah, give Dice crap, and defend the drug addict / lousy dad / general scumbag.

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