Andrew Dice Clay on Charlie Sheen

March 18th, 2011 // 114 Comments

Captain Andrew Dice Clay of the S.S. OH!, was stopped by the paparazzi this week who asked his thoughts on Gilbert Gottfried getting fired by Aflac for his tsunami of, well, tsunami jokes. What they got instead was an expletive-filled rant on Charlie Sheen that sadly didn’t end with a parrot landing on his shoulder and going, “Bi-winning. SQUAWK!” Via RadarOnline:

“Nobody has got the balls to tell this guy how f***ed up he is. He’s on TV terrorizing newscasters because they’ve seen him waving a f***ing machete in the air. He’s f***ing saying, ‘I’m winning.’
“Let me tell you something Charlie, I used to be a big fan of what you do, you did some great movies in the past, you had the opportunity to be on one of the greatest sitcoms of this f***ing decade and then you go on TV and promote f***ing drugs, you call that winning?”
And there’s more.
“You call winning when there’s f***ing custody battles, your kids are being taken from you and you’re living with two f***ing porno actresses that I could watch on YouTube, (bleeping) myself off and shut on the off button?
“And then you go on TV and promote f***ing drugs. You call that f***ing winning when you get f***ing fired from a hit f***ing sitcom? You call that winning?
“And you think you’re f***ing winning going from a hit show to a f***ing cooking show tossing a f***ing salad?”
“I’m sick of watching the Charlie f***ing Sheen show.”
Clay ended his angry explosion telling Sheen, “You’re not a rock star, you’re not a comic. You’re the biggest f***ing loser in the world as far as I’m concerned, okay? Go get the help you f***ing need.”

In fairness, Charlie Sheen has sold out Radio City Music Hall – twice, while Andrew Dice Clay is doing whatever it is that Andrew Dice Clay even does these days. (Pirate porn? I’m going with pirate porn.) That said, Charlie actually has to show up to these things and entertain a live audience which no one seems to be concerned about. Go back and watch the first episode of Sheen’s Korner, and then imagine that in front of a packed theater. Or even better, imagine your mom and dad who love Two and a Half Men but can’t get online without a Sherpa buying tickets and getting to experience the real Charlie Sheen. “There was all this talk of tiger blood, your father and I just didn’t get it. The couple next to us had to be carted out on a stretcher when he brought out a prostitute. A prostitute! He should go back to that nice show with the little boy. That was good clean fun.”

Photos: Splash News


  1. Andrew Dice Clay Charlie Sheen
    Commented on this photo:

    Hey, fanny packs are back!
    (not a good thing)

  2. Pirate of the “Has-a-be-ens”.

    • Willy Crawford

      Sounds to me like Dice is jealous because he hasn’t won anything in over 10 years. The opinion of a washed up has been trying to scrape together a meager living from a character he created 20 years ago doesn’t mean much…. Dice would probably suck Sheen’s cock for a chance to be his intern.

  3. TomFrank

    Charlie Sheen tossing someone’s salad. I can see that happening.

  4. And he should take a beat down for those shorts and wearing socks like that… Have some self respect Dice… Jebus…

    • Bucky Barnes

      Imagine being called a loser by a guy who looks like that… Maybe they should do a show together called “Two Half-Wits.”

    • shankyouverymuch

      Seriously though WTF has happened to this guy- the balding, the fat-body, the shit-slob attire. This poor bastard looks like he just crawled out from the garbage.

      He used to be a pretty cool dude & dresser … but now! this is a total disgrace :O(

  5. slappy magoo

    OK, Mr. Clay, please read the 5th line of the eye chart.
    “Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!”

  6. slappy magoo

    I guess he’s working on his lazy eye, because nothing’s going to save his lazy writing.

  7. Deacon Jones

    I think if Dice could somehow have seen this picture in the 80s’ of what he’d look like in 2011, he would’ve killed himself.

    And Charlie, when a guy with a biker fanny pack and an eye patch is calling you a loser, it’s time to reevaluate things.

  8. One Ball Joe

    Fish says, “In fairness, Charlie Sheen has sold out Radio City Music Hall – twice, while Andrew Dice Clay is doing whatever it is that Andrew Dice Clay even does these days.”

    But Fish surely knows this is an ad hominem argument and why such an argument is fallacious. (IOW, Clay’s observations about Sheen can be assessed on their own merits or lack thereof regardless of who Clay is, how successful he is compared to Sheen, etc.)

  9. strit


  10. UY

    Fanny pack and cargo shorts – just how much cargo is Dice lugging around?

  11. Andrew Dice Clay Charlie Sheen
    Johnny Walker
    Commented on this photo:

    sheen may have sold out radio city music hall twice, but andrew dice clay sold out madison square garden two nights in a row

  12. Gavagai

    In related news, CarrotTop tried to issue his own scathing commentary, but was arrested trying to acquire the necessary props.

  13. J.

    It’s great to see that after his comedy career stalled, he’s found a new calling working for Long John Silver’s.

  14. Cock Dr

    I’m impressed that the blogger was able to rouse himself from what must be an evil hangover (on a Friday!) to post this buffoon’s curiously wise comments.
    Well done.

  15. Is that a small child in your pocket or are you just happy somebody stopped to take your picture?

  16. Annie from Fremantle

    Holy bum bags Batman.. what are those fucking shorts he’s wearing.

    Duh Winning? I don’t think so. Charlie needs to trim Clay’s shorts with his machete.

  17. Andrew Dice Clay Charlie Sheen
    Hugh Jass
    Commented on this photo:

    I didn’t think whores needed a “where to shoot” map on their clothes but whatever.

  18. Andrew Dice Clay Charlie Sheen
    Commented on this photo:

    Why is he waring eye pad?

  19. Andrew Dice Clay Charlie Sheen
    Pussy Galore
    Commented on this photo:

    Arrrrgh!!! Pirate Fanny Pack!!! Arrrrgh!!!

  20. Andrew Dice Clay Charlie Sheen
    adolf hitler
    Commented on this photo:

    lol pic 2 is hilarious

  21. Boondoggle

    Nice socks, fuckface.

    And fuck you Fish for the mobile video ads. Seriously.

  22. It had to be said

    Hickory dickory dock . . . what the fuck happened to you?

  23. Jenny B

    Sweatpant Cargo Shorts – this should not be a thing.

  24. Peanutty

    Oh,oh,oh give that fat bitch a dingdong and it will follow you home! oh!

  25. well here’s looking at the future of Capt. jack sparrow folks.

  26. Bucky Barnes

    He should paint an eye on the left lens of his sunglasses, then he could look, uh, normal…

  27. Richard McBeef

    i really thought he died in the late nineties. huh. well good for him.

  28. Andrew Dice Clay Charlie Sheen
    Commented on this photo:

    Holy shit, he’s turning into Kevin Smith!

  29. Eric

    fanny pack? sweatpant cargo shorts? eye patch? he should just shoot himself now.

  30. carx

    i’m sorry who are you?

  31. Pussy Galore

    Arrrrgh!!! Pirate Fanny Pack!!! Arrrrgh!!!

  32. mike


    Sheen can go suck a dick.

    Andrew Dice Clay > Charlie Sheen.

  33. dkellhr

    Dice – Why are you trying to alienate your natural demographic?
    Maybe you want to improve your image among the sensitive, politically correct crowd. Well – let’s see who gets the better TV & movie offers.

  34. Michelle

    Is Dice finally at the level of posing as a fat, gay pirate to try and get attention? All fat, gay pirates should be seriously offended.

  35. Drew

    As much of a washed up loser as he is, he’s fucking right.

  36. Andrew Dice Clay Charlie Sheen
    Commented on this photo:

    nice tank!

  37. the captain

    just let charlie walk & talk.

  38. I would like to know more about the cute girl in green dress.

  39. Fred Garvin

    It took fish 45 minutes to squander the term pirate porn.
    It would have taken seconds if it included unicorns and pink ballot shoes.
    Nice try loser.

  40. Shanna

    All of the hating hippies on here that are putting Andrew down should be ashamed because you are the .01% of the population that think that way because all I heard out of that amazing mouth was the F*cking Truth. Its amazing when you say the truth how people are quick to put you down on so many levels i mean one guy said he though you died. I think your Amazing Andrew. I 1000% agree with everything you said. Charlie threw his life away, i saw him and all I thought of was the crazy crack whore of an aunt i have and I was sad for him I mean look how OLD charlie looks. Andrew is right his is with PORN STARS! When you charish a woman that woman isnt to be shared. She is Your woman. Im not putting porn down but when they get out of the Buisness with charlee I really hope they change their appearance and have a man to make women out of them because they look like they are on serious methanfetamines or heroine. They are pretty girls so I hope they get their life straight and take charlie for every penny. charlie is what people should look at as an example of Extream Narcissusism, drug addiction, addiction to the “life style”. He keeps reassuring himself and others by saying we’re winning, we cant lose, he sounds like a coach from a 1940′s baseball game to his team in the bottom of the 9th. ITS REALLY ALL FOR CHARLIE! but instead its to us the viewers that hear it. Charlie is so proud of being taking in an ambulance to have his stomach pumped, he walked out of there like it wasnt his first rodeo! Ive never had that happen for me and I would be horribly embarrased. What will POOR JAKEY THINK?! Does charlie realise that US the viewers arnt winning right now? This world is crumbling literally around us and we arnt in the mood for his SH%T anymore! AMEN ANDREW DICE CLAY. IF I ever get the opportunity to meet you I wanna hear the Miss Muffet joke :D

    • Brevity is the soul of wit.

      In other words, nobody is going to read that.

      • Ann

        Where to begin? Do you understand what a horrible misogynist Dice Clay was? Probably not because every other word in your post is misspelled or misused. Charlie Sheen is no great shakes but if you had a brain in your head you would see that both of these men are equally repugnant. Pot meeting kettle and all that.
        Of course you probably went to an elementary school that was not accredited. (Grandmas basement)

      • Shanna

        So Ann you are a hater. And by the way he is America’s misogynist(wtfever) :). You are whats wrong with this country, always trying to be mean and put people down. congratulations you succeeded! Now try doing it BETTER, CLASSIER, FUNNIER AND MAKE MONEY AT IT. See the problem you are having is you feel real bad about yourself so you come on here and you put Andrew and I down. Atleast when Andrew is done hes a cool bird. You… Your like that all the time.

      • Chatafuccup

        Well played! I never get comment manifestos.

  41. Andrew Dice Clay Charlie Sheen
    Charmless Man
    Commented on this photo:

    You know why you never hear about Andrew Dice Clay any more? Because this is as funny as he ever was, right here.

  42. schmoolie

    Charlie Sheen has done “some great movies”? Name one.

  43. I think I sprained my pithy comment bone on this one.

    I’m dead serious. I look at this picture, and I KNOW it’s an unprecedented steaming truckload of douchebaggery…and I’ve got nothing.

    uh…eyepatch…fannypack…tubesocks…cargo sweatshorts…andrew dice clay…I seriously think I overloaded some kind of sarcasm fuse. I’m a little scared.

  44. Gerbil in my Butt

    The chick in green if fucking awesome!

  45. The real enemy is father time not Rough

    Like Andrew, im amaze, Charlie sold out RCMH. What sort of act is he bringing?

    Looks like we got a 2man enter one man leave scenario here…

  46. Andrew Dice Clay Charlie Sheen
    Commented on this photo:

    I actually tend to agree with Andrew Dice Clay.. regardless of his eye patch and fanny pack.

  47. YOYO

    As little as I give a fuck about Andrew Dice Clay, the man makes a fucking point… one day you need to wake up and say, enough is enough, its time for me to start acting like a big boy now…

  48. Inmate 12236969

    Hickory, dickory, doc I can’t see my cock!


    I can still see mine—WINNING!

  49. pikksta

    Sagat’s really let himself go since the tournament.

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