And Then The Rich Guy Lindsay Lohan Robbed Fell In Love With Her. The End.

August 29th, 2012 // 44 Comments
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Like most people, I just assumed Lindsay Lohan would duck any and all charges for stealing $100,000 worth of jewelry and necklaces because that’s how these things always end and this time was no exception. But what I didn’t see coming was it’s because the guy she robbed professed his love for her, ceded her all his worldly possessions and then lied to the police. No, really. TMZ reports:

We’ve learned text messages were sent between Lindsay and Sam over the last few days, and he says “I officially told Detective Rodriguez you can’t take anything from me cause what’s mine is yours.”
Sam also told Lindsay he told cops the culprits were men.
It’s also apparent Sam is obsessed with Lindsay, telling her he loves her and, “I will fight for you.”

So Lindsay Lohan really can blow a man so hard he’ll literally lose his mind. All this time, I thought it was just a myth, an urban legend, something to spook rival coke dealers with.



  1. What can I say? The dude loves the Lohan. When she takes him for everything he’s worth, he can rest assured that he did it all for love.

    Hope he’s got a lot of money set aside for coke.

  2. Wow. I did not see that coming.

  3. YTBOY

    I love her to because she’s beautiful!!! Great boobs

  4. debs


  5. Actually, these might be the words and acts of a man who HASN’T had the blowjob. It makes as much sense to believe batshit thieves are good in bed as it does that they are good at. . .well, acting.

    • rican

      Absolutely! when this loser realized that accusing her would obliterate his chances of skank sex he backtracked, exposing with his words what a real moron he is.

  6. What can I say? The man loves the Lohan. When she takes him for every sense of his worth, and he’s homeless on the street, he’ll know it was worth it because he did it all for love.

    Hope he has a lot money set aside for coke.

  7. My comments aren’t appearing on this post. What’s going on?

  8. Two crackheads can stay together forever.

  9. Sorry for all the double posting. I have no idea what happened. My comments weren’t showing up so I kept trying. Sorry again.

  10. FudgeSticks

    The guy’s a millionaire, but can’t get better quality tail? There are closet cases that can get better looking BEARDS, for christ’s sake. Pathetic.

    • El Jefe

      There is a huge difference between better quality tail and famous tail. I would much rather say I fucked famous celebrity blah blah blah than blonde X out of the sea of a million unknown hot blonde Xs.

      • Arlene

        Really? Even if hitting the famous tail could lead to your own lack of credibility? Jeez, don’t even get me started on the venereal diseases and potential drug and alchohol problems that could develop from bagging that skank.

      • El Jefe

        Yep, because skanky gold digging sluts that fuck rich guys in Hollywood for fame and cash are disease free, right?

      • Most Likely

        They still have to be cleaner than Lindsay Lohan.

  11. Cock Dr

    More proof that love is the ultimate drug.
    Good luck with your celebrity crush “Sam”…you’re gonna need it.
    Please don’t give her the keys to a vehicle. Give her a mountain of cocaine, an armfull of fancy watches, just don’t let her drive.

  12. Lindsay Lohan Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    Come on mister. You can pay me more than $100 to give you a blow job. Got any Jewelry?

  13. JC

    Never underestimate the power of the cocaine-flavored freckle tits.

  14. EricLr

    In unrelated news, Sam Magid now has crabs, SuperAIDS, and a wide variety of unidentified fungi on his penis.

  15. USDA Prime McBeef

    when you find a girl that will let you snort coke off her mons while you shit on her face, you grab a hold of that shit and you hold on to it.

    • Jack Ketch

      LOL !!

    • Cock Dr

      Golly, none of that crazy stuff is in my old copy of “The Joy of Sex”.
      Perhaps Burger Boy is referring to materials in the updated 3rd millenium version.
      You know you don’t have to feel obligated to try every crazy thing you read about.

      • Even when the imagery so easily and undeniably evokes the gentle poetic musings of Robert Browning?

      • USDA Prime McBeef

        If one could have that little head of hers
        Painted upon a background of pure gold,
        Such as the Tuscan’s early art prefers!
        No shade encroaching on the matchless mould
        Of those two lips, which should be opening soft
        In the pure profile; not as when she laughs,
        For that spoils all: but rather as if aloft
        Yon hyacinth, she loves so, leaned its staff’s
        Burden of honey-colored buds to kiss
        And capture ‘twixt the lips apart for this.
        Then her little neck, three fingers might surround,
        How it should waver on the pale gold ground
        Up to the fruit-shaped, perfect chin it lifts!

      • No, the one with the face-shitting. Or was that Elizabeth Barrett?

      • Cock Dr

        Would have thought Beefy an aficionado of the Earl of Rochester, or maybe Walt Whitman. Full of surprises he is.

      • I’m impressed he can work from memory, but there’s no shame in Googling “Browning face shitting” in my book.

        But he is just too proud.

      • USDA Prime McBeef

        If Browning’s “The Face” isn’t about face shitting then I don’t know what is.

        And “No shade encroaching on the matchless mould” is certainly about snorting coke off a hairless mons.

        I’m certainly impressed that you knew the inspiration for my work up there, msctex.

      • Great minds, Beef, great minds. . .

      • The Face (Plus Collagen)
        or Millionaire’s Lament

        If I could get a little head off her
        And somehow only pay in false fool’s gold,
        For fine Bolivian her nose prefers!
        No shade encroaching on the freckled mould
        Those collagened two lips, insensate, soft,
        O’ God! The tit sites all present but half:
        And not he parts that spoil it all. . .But ‘loft
        And tumbling down from high, at least my staff’s
        Relief from expectations false as this
        Did come as soon as plastic skin I kissed.
        So why now waste time and asphyxiate,
        This whore with whom I thought sex might be great
        This blow-up doll, and she — my wallet lifts!

        (I’d apologize for talking liberties with the rhyme scheme, but if I end up haunted by the shades of angry pastoral poets, that will probably be the least of their concerns.)

      • Clancy’s whiskers tickled Nancy.
        Nancy lowered the boom on Clancy.
        Burma Shave…


        There once was a man from Nantucket
        Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
        He said with a grin as he wiped off his chin,
        “If my ear was a cunt I would fuck it!”

      • See?… when it comes to poetin’ and rhymin’, I ain’t no slouch neither.

      • “Schlong” or “dong,” not “dick.” You fucked up the rhyme scheme. And ‘could” with “cunt” for the alliteration.

        And they say a lit degree won’t get you anywhere in the world.

  16. BigOkie

    I think he could have had her for a lot less than $100K in jewelry.

    But then she may suck a mean dick… what the fuck do I know?

  17. Ben

    She slept with him for the jewelry that she stole and now he’s in love. Idiot.

  18. Ermmm, blah blah hilarious insult easy target blah, but … aren’t these texts kind of *evidence* that she *did* take the stuff? Directly? And that he lied to the detective about it?

  19. She must have made a deal with the devil like Casey Anthony because how can she keep getting away with all her criminal behaviors?

  20. 1whoknows

    For those of you who don’t know Sam let me give you a little insight. He may be insanely rich, but he’s just as big of a douche bag as Lindsay!!! I think they were made for each other, they both do drugs, break the law and are and will always be trash no matter how much money they have. They both got exactly what they deserve. At least now Sam doesn’t have to slip girls drugs to have sex with them anymore. He finally found one that will take them herself and doesn’t care who or what she sleeps with.

  21. Lindsay Lohan Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    I have a feeling it would land in her handbag by now

  22. Lindsay Lohan Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    I dont care if this chick was my own mother, id still fuck her with no rubber and cum inside her and have a new son and a brother at the same time and just say that it ain’t mine.

  23. Lindsay Lohan Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    Lindsay rocks!

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