Amy Winehouse has emphysema

Amy Winehouse, at the age of 24, is already showing early signs of emphysema, according to her father Mitch Winehouse. She’s still in the hospital after collapsing last Monday and has been subjected to numerous tests. Mitch informed the Sunday Mirror that Amy’s continued crack smoking will force her to require an oxygen mask or die – something I always thought impossible for the zombie kind:

“To think this could be my beautiful 24-year-old daughter’s life is preposterous. But if drugs mean more to her than breathing properly, then so be it. But the doctors have told her if she goes back to smoking drugs it won’t just ruin her voice, it will kill her. It’s been a tough week.
“After lots of tests they found a lump in Amy’s chest. A scan has shown it’s not cancerous and there are no traces of cancer in her blood. But they might need to double check.”

Okay, finding out that Amy Winehouse has the lungs of an 80-year-old coal miner is no surprise. What is surprising is that she was only diagnosed with low levels of emphysema. Based on every image I’ve seen of Amy, I expected something insane that would baffle scientists like, I dunno, The Plague. Or Space Scurvy. No one ever suspects Space Scurvy.