Amy Schumer Is Starring In A Barbie Movie. As Barbie.

In news that’s sure to be handled with all the delicacy and subtle nuance that the internet is known for – *dodges bullet in pizza shop* The child sex ring is at Papa John’s, idiot! – Amy Schumer is starring in a live-action Barbie movie. And not as Barbie’s sassy, overweight, alcoholic sister who lives in Des Moines with two kids, which is where I thought they were going with this, too. I guess you might say they… flipped the script? (Shoot me in my goddamn sleep.) Deadline reports:

Schumer will play a character who lives in Barbieland, among all of the various Barbie characters beloved by doll collectors (there are dolls covering over 180 careers). In a fish-out-of-water story reminiscent of films like Splash and Big, Schumer’s Barbie gets kicked out, basically because she’s not perfect enough, is a bit eccentric and doesn’t quite fit the mold. She then goes on an adventure in the real world and by the time she returns to Barbieland to save it, she has gained the realization that perfection comes on the inside, not the outside, and that the key to happiness is belief in oneself, free of the obligation to adhere to some unattainable standard of perfection.

Turns out Sony learned a lesson from the Ghostbusters fiasco, and that lesson was double the fuck down. Which is actually kind of impressive because that movie did not make a billion dollars nor bathe anyone in cocaine and hookers. Except for Dan Akroyd who probably just spent the money on trying to convince aliens hiding among us that 9/11 was a one-time thing. Maybe.

While Sony, and the film’s producers — Walter Parkes & Lori MacDonald (who won the rights from the toymaker in 2014), and Amy Pascal (who bought the project as Sony Pictures chairman before joining as producer) — worked on numerous drafts by top female writers for several years, this one came together like a bolt from the blue after Winston and the producers cracked the code with a funny empowerment take that sparked the interest of Schumer and made her want to fit it into her crowded movie schedule. Sony chief Tom Rothman brought the script to Schumer personally, and pitched the take to her. After she read Winston’s script, Schumer emailed that she was in.

So this is the part where I’m supposed to go to bat for Amy Schumer, or not go to bat for her because you all saw the synopsis, but I honestly don’t care anymore because there’s no way Donald Trump lets this movie make it to theaters once “No fatties” becomes a Constitutional amendment. Sure, it has a clause that says “specifically Rosie O’Donnell,” but once that kind of power is out of the jar, it’s hard to put it back in. Mostly because his hands are so small, and the lid’s so big. It’s the story of his life.

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