An Oral History of The Arrest And Capture of Ammon Bundy

“So many Bold & Spicy Chex Mix, lost before its time. Lord, forgive me…”

If you haven’t heard by now Ammon Bundy and members of his sovereign state, gun nut, moron shitbag militia were finally arrested in Oregon last night after weeks of being a decadent, schadenfreude circus of what happens when “true patriots” actually try and use their second amendment rights to take on the federal government. And what happens is they almost instantly devolve into a social media grab bag of rubber dicks, snack shortages, and child-like infighting from the jump instead of acting out Red Dawn like they imagined. So to answer your question, yes, I’ve been erect this whole time. And to indulge myself even further, here are all the missives I posted to Facebook last night because my life is a non-stop, 24/7 party. Also, I spent way too much time on these and my brain feels like a can of Hormel Chili these idiots should’ve packed more of, so you’re goddamn right I’m repackaging them. Don’t tread on me!

“Buford! Guard the dildos! GUARD THE DILDOS!”

“Git them BPVs around the snack cupboard! There’s still Combos in there!”

“Mah Funyuns! They shot mah Funyuns! I didn’t sign up for this!”

“Cletus, take up point around the Lube Shed. And for God’s sake, don’t let them hit Dorito Mountain!”

“Johnny, they’s coming for us! They’s coming up for us quick! We need you!”
“But I just paid for Paul Blart 2 at the hotel…”

“Alright, boys, remember what we talked about. NO SURRENDER.”
“Sir, we lost the Pop Tarts.”
“Welp, guess that’s that. Pack it up!”

“I’ll never forget that day. We fought bravely, but it wasn’t enough to stop the cold, relentless steamroller of government tyranny.

Also, a flash bang melted all the Fun Size Three Musketeers. Man can only witness so much carnage…”

“I looked over at Jim Hobson, tears streaming down his face as he sat there an empty shell of the man I once knew. Cradled in his lap was an unopened bag of Jack Link’s Beef Jerky crushed between the boots of fascist federal stormtroopers.

‘They had A-1 Sauce Flavor!’ he screamed to a God that had forsaken us. ‘They had A-1 Sauce Flavor!’

I pray our children live to see a brighter dawn on account of such sacrifice.”

“Well, I reckoned I should protect the cereal seeing how we’s just went to the Walmarts and stocked up on Lucky Charms. That’s when that there federal agent came ’round the corner, so I puts my hands up because I ain’t lookin’ to get shot over no stupid Facebook group. Shit, I thought we was just gonna play Xbox like a huntin’ trip or some– waitaminnit. Which one y’all pulled the Xbox out? Oh, Lord, not the Xbox! NOOOO!”

“Alright, Johnson, it’s down to you, me, and this last pack of Twizzlers. I don’t know about you, but those jackbooted thugs are going to have to bust through that door and pry them from my cold, dead hands. This here’s our last stand.”
“You know them’s the black licorice kind, right?”
“What?! Gotdammit. Alright, let’s go surrender.”

“Buck, I’m scared. What’s gonna happen?”
“Now, that’s enough of that. You saw Ammon’s plans. We’re gonna stick to it.”
“But he was just moving pieces around a Risk board and saying shit like, ‘Now, we’re the blue guys. And when them red guys get near Kamchatka, I want y’all to be like PEW PEW PEW!’ That ain’t no plan!”
“The hell it ain’t. — Wait. He seriously say ‘PEW PEW PEW?'”
“With gun motions and everythang.”

“Sir, one of the militia men wants to negotiate.”
“What are his terms?”
“Sour Patch Kids.”
“That’s it?”
“That was it, sir.”
“Tell him it’s Mike & Ikes or we open fire.”
[from the bushes] “DEAL!”

“How’d you get my men to turn on me, you gubmint bastards? We was like kin!”
“Necco Wafers. They folded on you like cards.”
“Necco Wafers?!”
“Necco Wafers.”
“… You reckon I can get me a pack?”
“Yeah, probably not.”

“‘My tarp is a shield from God!’ LaVoy kept telling us.

It wasn’t.

Although, it did have a neat pocket for Fun Dip.”

~ In Memory of LaVoy “Tarp Man” Finicum ~

May The Lord Welcome You Into Heaven And Shareth With Thee
His Old El Paso Queso Dip
Or Other Delicious Foods Not Made In New York City

~ Rest In Peace ~

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Photo: Getty