God Loves Scotty McCreery More Than Lauren Alaina

May 26th, 2011 // 55 Comments

And this is why I told Clay Aiken and Michael Westen not to make a baby.

Scotty McCreery (above) triumphed over Lauren Alaina on the Season 10 finale of American Idol tonight and apparently owes it all to the big guy upstairs, according to People:

It’s been a year since me and Lauren Alaina tried out now,” Scotty said in apparent disbelief. “We’ve been together since day one and we’re going to stay together. This is just – never in my wildest dreams … I got to thank the Lord first. He got me here.”

Of course, that sounds well and narcissistically stupid good except, wait a minute, what’s this? The Lord also helped Lauren Alaina make it to the finals by healing her bruised vocal chord? What the fuck is going on up there?

“I knew somehow God would get me through it,” she said at a press conference afterward, writing her words, which were then read by McCreery, on a notepad.

ANGEL: Lord, Joplin, Missouri is about to be destroyed by tornadoes.
GOD: What the- Motherfucker, what part of I’m tryin’ to choose between Scotty and Lauren didn’t you understand?
ANGEL: Terribly sorry, Lord. Won’t happen again.
GOD: You’re damn right it won’t. Now shut the door ‘fore you freeze a nigga’s ass out.

(First person to tell me they don’t imagine God as Ordell Robbie is a liar.)

Photos: Getty

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  1. one legged

    there was 2 or 3 nice chicks
    the last 2 looked like any boring looking high school kids
    what is it like 5 years in a row that a boy kid wins?

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  2. He should try out for a part in Twilight. He’s got he [lack of] personality.

  3. Scotty McCreery Lauren Ilaina
    Commented on this photo:

    That microphone represents the penis Scotty doesn’t have.

  4. s'up bitches

    2 more “stars” headed for obscurity. I haven’t watched that shit since the first season. Does anyone else know of anyone that actually GOT any fame out of that show besides Clarkson and Hudson? Shit, nobody has seen that much of Clarkson lately, for that matter. Oh, wait, may Underwood was on that show as well? I rest my case.

  5. mcd410x

    who are these people?

  6. Scotty McCreery Lauren Ilaina
    +1
    Commented on this photo:

    Christ

  7. Tanya

    I still think that Scotty McCreery & Lauren Alaina make a great couple…I think they will be just as powerful as Faith Hill & Tim McGraw ! All the best in your adventures ahead !

    • one legged

      lol
      999/1000 guys would want sex from underwood and not the girl who lost.. when seeing them performing together

      yeah they will be the greatest country couple ever lol

      • Artofwar

        Tisssss—- I would be more than elated to be that one guy out of the thousand——Underwood is so skinny, that if she stood sideways she would disappear like a David Copperfield illusion. Whereas the young chick that didn’t win, has an a.s.s that should be bronzed and displayed at the Smithsonian…..Artofwar

  8. whiskeyafternoon

    I wonder why all these gee-whiz humble aw-shucks Christians never take the microsecond of introspection to realize how solipsistic and narcissistic it is to think that The Deity gives a shit about the pointless details of your pointless individual life. Presuming such a figure exists, of course. And that your personal deity is the correct deity, etc.

    • Artofwar

      ….And yet here you are blessing us with your well organized side of bulls#it of a Deity—Di#ck Head….Artofwar

  9. tlmck

    She’s gonna be hot in a few years when she loses that baby fat.

  10. Jovy

    Doesn’t get much gayer than this..

  11. Kiroux

    Everytime I see Scotty McCreery I think of Alfred E. Neuman from MAD Magazine…

  12. Scotty McCreery Lauren Ilaina
    Commented on this photo:

    The Superficial Writer is my favorite! You crack me up and I love your writing style! :)

  13. Scotty McCreery Lauren Ilaina
    The Man Upstairs
    Commented on this photo:

    That better be him praying! (*locks and loads lightning bolt*)
    What a pair of abominations ~

  14. Rancid

    I am exceptionally proud that I never watched a minute of this bullshit. I can’t understand how someone screaming multiple random notes during a moment is considered entertainment (I forget what the term is). I know that this style goes way back to gospel music, so it doesn’t annoy me as much when black people do it (particularly Stevie Wonder). But when I see some honky riffing like this, I want to kill someone.

    • Really

      “Melisma.”
      And you’re right, it’s annoying. I wish “singers” (and not just these Idol kids — Christina Aguilera, Beyonce, Mariah, Whitney Houston, etc.) would realize that the words and emotion should matter first. If you don’t understand what the song means, it doesn’t matter how many notes you sing — you’re just screaming into a microphone.

      • Pat C

        Exactly. When I hear Dolly Parton’s version of “I Will Aways Love You”, she sounds like she’s really in love with that person. When I hear Whitney’s version, she sounds like she’s really in love with her voice.

  15. the captain

    on the other hand: HE HATE BOYS WHO SUCK ON A MAN’S PENIS LIKE IT WAS A LOLLIPOP.

  16. mince

    He’s a like a young George W. Bush and Alfred E. Neuman manchild. A mutant dreamboat floating in any zealot Middle American’s wettest dream.

  17. fx

    What can I say America loves toolboxes

  18. whiskeyafternoon

    …and he was one of the saved in the Rapture last Saturday…it’s been a good week for Jeebus.

  19. Fukanami

    When will American Idol just die!!! This show just sucks!!! It sucks so bad and they keep coming out with a new season every year. I fucking want to blow my brains out. Why do people watch this crap and why does America feel the need to support this mindless crap show!!! Fucking kill this shit show already..

    • Pat C

      If the U.K. hadn’t supported “Pop Idol”, there never would have been an “American Idol”. So blame Britain … unless there’s some way we can blame France.

  20. ted

    God wasn’t helping singers or tornado victims – the NBA and NHL playoffs have all of His attention. I’ve seen the player interviews after the games and clearly God monitors the games closely and lifts the winners to victory. My only complaint is that the losers stop the God talk after the game, which is disappointing because it’d be refreshingly honest for them to say something like “I had the winning shot all lined up but fuckin’ God made it bounce away so those douchebags could win. Motherfuckin’ asshole God, too fuckin’ gay to go with a real winner.”

    • Rancid

      LOL

      Or maybe it should go like this

      (Guy on losing team):

      “I would like to give praise to our Dark Lord, Satan, for causing us to lose this important game. There is no hope or joy in this world, only despair. We are just empty thoughts drifting in the Void. There are no winners. Love is an illusion. Compassion is the way of the fool! Hail Satan!”

      • Richard McBeef

        I have always thought that the losing team or the opposing player that missed the blocked shot or tackle just didn’t love god hard enough.

    • He is a vengeful god…and also a compulsive gambler. You do not want to be on the team god bet against.

  21. Of course god watches idol. How is it that so many people think that god gives a rat’s ass about their insignificant situations? And what’s worse is the people who buy into this crap.
    When some nut job claims that he’s killing dirty hookers because god told him to everyone thinks he’s crazy. But god fixed Lauren’s bruised voice box. Oh yeah…that’s totally feasible.

    And am I the only one who thinks Scotty looks like Alfred E. Neuman’s younger brother?

  22. Richard McBeef

    Fish, as a former resident of SW MO I can tell you that Joplin was sort of the San Francisco of the Ozarks as far as the gay community goes. No joke. I won’t be surprised when Rev. FaceFuck and his crew shows up at the funerals with the god hates fags signs. Hopefully another tornado will come down and suck them fuckers right up.

  23. Pop country music sucks. American Idol sucks. Scotty McCreery sucks. You know what else sucks? The vaccuum cleaner my next door neighbor jerks off into in front of the window. Mere coincidence?

  24. Wow. Heard his song this morning driving. First time to see a picture of him. He looks like a Lou Diamond Phillips love child… Good voice tho…

  25. Venom

    Considering the winner of American Idol usually has a career that sinks lower than the Marianas Trench, the last thing you want to do is when that damn show.
    So if you ask me, God loved that chick more.

    • cc

      No kidding. Just goes to show when you manufacture a celebrity the primary requirement is a whole lot of t&a and great marketing.

  26. cc

    ‘Of course, that sounds well and narcissistically stupid’

    Doesn’t it just? I hate when people trot that God crap out. Even if there was a God, which there isn’t, I am sure he really wouldn’t give a shit about you.

  27. Alf? Alfie? Alfred E. Neuman, izzat you?

  28. Dr Neckbeard

    Isn’t that the dude who plays Ritchie Valens in “La Bamba?”

  29. Scotty McCreery Lauren Ilaina
    53-Jared Jet Browne
    Commented on this photo:

    10th season of American Idol? Damn, that kid had record of voters and his hometown hero was proud.

  30. Dick Douche, Private Eye

    This one is so easy! Lord Krishna, as Lord Ganesha, helped the dude, and as Lord Brahma, helped the chick. Why did the same God help two different people to achieve opposite goals? Obviously, He had His reasons. Most importantly, don’t ever believe any of this Judeo-Christian-Muslim crap about one God with one avatar; it’s simply not true. This example illustrates it perfectly.

    Please explain why I am wrong, below:

  31. and the winner is…. Alfred E. McCreepy!!

  32. Burt

    Gotta love those American Christians. They can’t even keep religion out of a damned popularity contest.

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