Amber Heard Needs to Quit Lesbiantry

February 23rd, 2011 // 69 Comments

Here’s Amber Heard at the premiere of Nicolas Cage Owes an Ass-Load of Back Taxes Drive Angry 3D where she demonstrated something I’ve been thinking for years but never had the guts to say out loud because lesbians have large biceps. And before I go any further, let me just say that I’m a huge supporter of LBGT rights and denounce bigotry in all its forms, so with that intro you know what’s coming next is extremely offensive and has absolutely no place in rational discourse: There should be a law preventing attractive woman from not being straight. I know, I know, it sounds horrible on paper, but just think about it for a minute: We’d really only be forcing them to ignore their every biological urge and have sex with men they don’t want to, so in the end, there’s a quiet romance to it.

UPDATE: To whoever’s whipping softballs and pit bulls at my house, knock it off.

Photos: Getty


  1. Richard McBeef

    you wouldn’t have the chance to hit that even if it was straight so I say we compromise by letting her dyke it up on video.

  2. Bucky Barnes

    She doesn’t need to be straight, just branch out occasionally. I happen to have the perfect branch in hand…

  3. If she is a lesbian, give me an hour with her and I bet I can make her switch teams. ; – )

    • Bucky Barnes

      “Switch teams” is now a euphemism for vomiting? How strange… Just kidding, give it your best shot.

    • proud les

      With what? Your tiny cock?

    • madonna's gerbil

      You must work a mean strap-on!

    • Jimbo

      I don’t want her to switch team, Just switch hit for a couple of inings

    • castallare

      You can change someone’s entire genetic being in one hour!?!? Then I need to see you because mental illness runs in my family…

      • RightHandOfGod

        being gay is not genetic, it’s a social disorder that suddenly became a special interest group when liberals realised they could gain politically for endorsing gay’s sick behavior and disease spreading. Just like they support NAMBLA, pretty soon you libs will think that behavior is gentic and therefor justifiable. twits…

    • Amber Heard

      For my next experiment, I was thinking about trying asexuality. Something tells me an hour with you would do the trick. It’s go time!

      • Jimbo

        Hey Right Hand? What is your left hand doing while you are spewing this crap? Rubbing one out while watching some gay porn??

    • proud les

      How cute, you are telling me to be original when your previous message was anything but… Here is something you may not know, lesbians are born lesbians.Your microscopic penis and what sexual talent you claim to posses is not going to make some lesbian say “OMG ALL I NEEDED WAS THE RIGHT PENIS”. It’s clear some woman mistakenly gave you a confidence boost while you were humping her leg. Newsflash darling… She was faking it. Bragging on the internet about your alleged sexual prowess being good enough to make a gay girl go straight isn’t going to make you any less of a loser.

    • Reality Check

      Don’t you mean one minute? That’s how long straight sex lasts.

  4. While we’re at it, Nicolas Cage needs to quit making movies, Lindsay Lohan needs to go to jail, and Obama needs to give Charlie Sheen the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

    • Bucky Barnes

      Obama should appoint Charlie Sheen White House Chief of Staff. I guarantee the staff would get a lot more interesting. Also a little sticky, probably.

  5. Amber Heard
    Commented on this photo:

    wow love me sum dat azz!

  6. Rough, tap dance connoisseur

    ♫ We built this website on rough and jokes♫

    That was the original draft, those bastards changed it when they heard I was born…Snubbed

    Come to my favorite website? Snubbed

    Will I get an invite to the royal wedding? I most likely will get?????

  7. Rough, tap dance connoisseur

    Story of my life really…

  8. proud les

    Fuck you fish, she’s ours!!!!!!

  9. Cock Dr

    Now you know how the straight females feel about all the perfectly gorgeous men who are gay.
    It’s a bummer, but you deal with it.
    I think your proposal is a good example of “excessive government”.

  10. DogBoy

    “have sex with men they don’t want to”

  11. Nikki

    Sorry you can’t claim her as one of the hot woman who pretend to like sex with men.

    • eatme

      My ass. There is no way in hell that she is gay. I do not believe it. Sure, she might like carpet munching, who doesn’t, but gay? No way in hell.

  12. Amber Heard
    Commented on this photo:

    Not a lesbian.

  13. Amber Heard
    Commented on this photo:

    Frist? Please?

  14. TeeL

    Yes it’s true. Sexy people, men and women, can be gay. What rock have people been living under? And trust, Amber Heard is not the only sexy lesbian in Hollywood. She’s just one of the few with enough guts to own up to it.

  15. Colin

    I think most guys actually have a better chance with lesbians than regular celebrities. I admit, I’m not quite sure what a lesbian is, but every time Lindsay Lohan says she’s one, she fucks this really ugly dude.

  16. There should be a law preventing attractive woman from not being straight?

    Screw that! There should be a law preventing ugly chicks from being lesbians. It totally screws up the spankability of the whole concept when the chicks going at it are overweight, with crew cuts and dressed in flannel.

  17. Hambone

    Good Lord, that “Give me five minutes with a lesbian, I’ll turn her straight” mentality gets so exhausting. No, you can’t turn a lesbian straight any more than you can stop being a premature ejaculate. So start thinking of baseball and stop trying to disappoint the few women desperate and lonely enough to sleep with you.

    Ha, I’m just kidding. Guys who say “lemme turn her straight” are virgins. Or rapists.

  18. jojo

    It’s chic to be gay. Oh wait, thats gay chic, gay chic. Sorry.

  19. jojo

    Love is in the air.

  20. g!


  21. Seat Filler

    Any interviews I have seen her do she seems to have serious daddy issues
    I am unemployed and lazy , hook up with me that will drive your daddy crazy

  22. Amy

    Tell us how you REALLY feel.

  23. m.

    I thought she was bisexual?! At least that what they said in Top Gear if I remember correctly. Bisexuals are the best – you will always have hope that they agree to 3some…

  24. The whole world

    And you wonder why women are lesbians?

  25. NTT

    You have problems. i do too. But nothing like this.

  26. underpassdweller

    Look dumbass, the word is Lesbianity – it’s one of those sham religions like Scientology.

    • Lesbiantry stems from the root word “gentry”, which means she is a well-born, well-bred lesbian of high social class. Which is a bit of a stretch, since she co-starred in a B movie with Nicolas Cage.

  27. Amber Heard
    Commented on this photo:

    Who would you rather in your male fantasy: Amber Heard or Ellen Degeneres (or Rosie O’Donnell or Martina Navratilova)? Judge’s ruling: lesbianism approved!!

  28. M

    to add to your distraught I might be lesbian too :P that or bi

  29. Parker

    I am sure if Amber ever felt my penis sliding smoothly between her cheeks and deep into her tight bottom she would give up all the lesbian stuff cause you can’t be a lesbian and have anal sex all the time.

  30. DKNY

    Still the hottest lesbian out there.

  31. Fletch

    She is only a lesbian for attention.

  32. this is comedy?

    Was this supposed to be funny? Lamest shit ever. Go back to clown school. Oh, and to most of the other commenters – you really shouldn’t jerk off while at a work computer. It’s bad form.

  33. Amber Heard
    Double D
    Commented on this photo:

    Somewhere in the Bible it talks about what a waste it would be to light a candle then hide it under a bowl. Same applies to that gorgeous mouth not having a cock in it. Makes the angels cry.

  34. Jeff

    Sounds to me like there’s still a chance for Fish to turn her 100% gay. She told Details magazine “I’m open to whoever. I think it is absurd to assume that I have to look in a certain category. … It’s silly to look in one category or another. I would never imagine a mate based on a certain sex or race.”

    Yeah, she’s dating a chick right now, but so were Anne Heche and LiLo before the mighty cock drew them back. That and her Nic Cage movie was finished shooting and about to open just before she “came out.” Sounds like at least a 50% chance of attention lesbian.

    • Reality Check

      “Yeah, she’s dating a chick right now, but so were Anne Heche and LiLo before the mighty cock drew them back.”

      Erm, they never claimed to be lesbians, they’re bi. Mighty cock? Don’t make me laugh, most guys can’t even make a woman come regularly. I’m so glad I’m a lesbian and don’t have to fake orgasms HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

  35. Jeff

    We have to ask that guy who banged her in at least three scenes of “The Informers” to find out if she was really into it.

  36. Jan

    Have no fear guys. There is always hope. Maybe Amber will fall and hit her head and forget she’s gay. XD

  37. Amber Heard
    Commented on this photo:

    No, she needs to find a gorgeous bruntte lover and then leak a sex tape.

  38. Amber Heard
    66-James Decotis
    Commented on this photo:

    Amber Heard is hot, but not EVEN a lesbian.

  39. sexy marco

    Another needed actress with daddy issues I don’t care if she is gay, she’ll want a man when lesbian bed death kicks in i would guess but if she’s geniune then good luck to her. I would bet a lot of money that she ends up with a man in the end. Bringing up babies in same sexed senarios is wrong not fair on the child even if she had a boy and he wanted to feed on her teets until he was eighteen.
    I think they should torch half of hollywood they seem to try to spread this aganda far too much. It’ll will never work queer is queer and nature is nature.

    • Charlotte Corday

      Is English your native language? Nothing wrong if it isn’t. I’m pro immigration. You just sound like an idiot or someone who can’t get any. Either way.

  40. Anon

    Same nose as Rosie Huntington-Whitely.

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