Amber Heard Needs to Quit Lesbiantry

Here’s Amber Heard at the premiere of Nicolas Cage Owes an Ass-Load of Back Taxes Drive Angry 3D where she demonstrated something I’ve been thinking for years but never had the guts to say out loud because lesbians have large biceps. And before I go any further, let me just say that I’m a huge supporter of LBGT rights and denounce bigotry in all its forms, so with that intro you know what’s coming next is extremely offensive and has absolutely no place in rational discourse: There should be a law preventing attractive woman from not being straight. I know, I know, it sounds horrible on paper, but just think about it for a minute: We’d really only be forcing them to ignore their every biological urge and have sex with men they don’t want to, so in the end, there’s a quiet romance to it.

UPDATE: To whoever’s whipping softballs and pit bulls at my house, knock it off.

Photos: Getty

Tags: Amber Heard