How Is Johnny Depp Not Completely Fucked Right Now?

If you haven’t been near a computer or a checkout line today, PEOPLE has exclusive photos of Amber Heard after being allegedly attacked by Johnny Depp in another incident back in December because she is not, as the French say, motherfucking around. On top of that, there’s talk of a not-yet-released meltdown video and judging by the shit-mountain of evidence Amber Heard is sitting on, I wouldn’t rule out seeing it soon if she doesn’t start seeing some goddamn spousal support. In the meantime, both Todd at IDLYITW and Lainey Gossip did yeoperson’s work (seriously, click those links) covering these new developments along with tackling reports that Johnny Depp allegedly tried to suffocate Amber Heard with a pillow, which his team has countered with leaks on how much she loves shopping? Because one of those justifies the other? Get the fuck outta here.

That said, while it’s been pretty obvious (to rational adults who haven’t been through a bitter divorce like half the commenters on the site) that both Amber Heard is an opportunist and Johnny Depp is probably an abusive asshole – again, one doesn’t cancel out the other – there’s always been a seed of doubt because of that bullshit with the cops, which Amber Heard just blew the fuck up. TMZ reports:

Sources close to Amber say Johnny has a relationship with LAPD cops … they say some have worked off-duty in his security detail.
We’re told Amber is adamant … she had obvious facial injuries when cops responded to the 911 call on May 21, and there is no reason for them to deny it other than to protect Johnny.

And it gets better:

Our Amber sources also note the LAPD has changed its story multiple times … first telling the media they never responded to a 911 call involving Amber and Johnny, then saying there was only one call, and later admitting they received 2 calls and sent 2 different sets of officers to her apartment.

So now we have a mountain of photos, eyewitnesses, and gaping holes in the LAPD’s story, but the prevailing scenario is somehow still going to be that Amber Heard is faking it, so here’s Lainey absolutely ripping that shit apart:

My problem with that scenario is a simple question of likelihood: that there are those who think it’s MORE likely for a woman to run herself into a wall or ask a friend to punch her in the eye and devise an elaborate tale of terror than it is for a famous, white, formerly-beautiful middle-aged man-artist to commit violence against that woman. The first scenario is the one that’s the rare exception. The second scenario is the one that’s preposterously common. And yet. And yet.

Now here’s the rub: Johnny Depp could’ve easily paid to make this all go away and still had enough money to wipe his ass with gold bricks for decades to come, but he didn’t. Instead, he practically dared Amber Heard to air their dirty laundry from all four corners of the internet because have you noticed what’s happened to him so far? Not a goddamn thing. Half of Hollywood’s tripping over itself to say what a swell guy he is, and guess who’ll still be swinging around as Jack Sparrow in front of your mom’s face next year. Johnny Depp couldn’t give less fucks if you wrapped them in scarves and dipped them in cocaine. He’s not only untouchable, but he knows it, and shit like this is going to keep happening until enough of us look around and go, “Wait, so a guy can just beat up a woman because he makes Disney movies about a theme park ride? How the fuck?” Which will never happen because we’re too busy worried about a stupid gorilla and that giant alligator. Although, admittedly that last one could be the beginning of the end for us. A new age of dinosaurs have sent their herald, and he hates golf. I love him already.

UPDATE: And now there are text messages. Whee!

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Photos: Getty