What *Didn’t* Amanda Bynes Tweet This Weekend. Let’s Start There.

The Superficial / May 28, 2013

To bring everyone up to speed, on Thursday night Amanda Bynes was arrested after someone in her building called the police because she was smoking weed in the hallways and talking to herself. After the building manager let police into her apartment, they spotted a bong in the kitchen which she immediately threw out the window of her 36th-story apartment. She was booked for possession and tampering with evidence and taken to a mental hospital for an evaluation, then brought back to the station for a night in jail. In the morning, she went to court where her lawyer apparently didn’t want to lose an eye because he let her plead her case looking like a goddamn Muppet. From there, the judge scheduled a hearing for July and released her without bail. Or at least that’s the version for ugly people because according to Amanda Bynes, all the charges were dropped and the police slapped her vagina. (You should probably put a helmet on now.)

On her arrest:
Don’t believe the reports about me being arrested. It’s all lies. I was sexually harassed by one of the cops the night before last which is who then arrested me. He lied and said I threw a bong out the window when I opened the window for fresh air. Hilarious. He slapped my vagina. Sexual harassment. Big deal. I then called the cops on him. He handcuffed me, which I resisted, quite unlike any of the reports stated. Then I was sent to a mental hospital. Offensive. I kept asking for my lawyer but they wouldn’t let me. The cops were creepy. The cop sexually harassed me, they found no pot on me or bong outside my window. That’s why the judge let me go. Don’t believe any reports. (via)

Also, if anyone’s curious, Chris Brown beat Rihanna because she’s ugly:
@rihanna Chris Brown beat you because you’re not pretty enough
@rihanna no one wants to be your lover so you call everyone and their mother that I almost named my new dog Rihanna

To which Rihanna replied:
Ya see what happens when they cancel Intervention?

To which Amanda then replied:
@rihanna unlike ur fugly faced self I don’t do drugs! U need the intervention dog! I met ur ugly face in person! U aren’t pretty u know it! (via)

And then deleted everything because obviously that wasn’t her. In fact, they’re going to make a music video together, that’s how BFF they are:
I saw a bunch of mocked up tweets about me bashing Rihanna in my mentions. I’m followed by so many people that someone is always mocking up fake tweets so I feel the need to address them! Rihanna and I met and I’m sure we’ll be in a music video together one day! That’s one of the mocked up images, they took photos of me from outside and morphed them onto someone else’s body. I am allergic to marijuana and alcohol but I smoke tobacco. Why does Rihanna smoke weed and not get in trouble for it but I smoke tobacco and people think I’m on drugs? I refuse to be treated like someone I’m not, which is why I fought for myself and am suing everyone involved. I don’t need to go to rehab. There is never a drug or alcohol in my system! I’m sick of all the lies! What would you do if someone accused you of things you didn’t do and yet you still had to be in jail at all over it! I’m so offended but I am so educated that I know cops cannot illegally enter my apartment, sexually harass me, arrest me, take me to a MENTAL HOSPITAL, then lock me up for a crime I didn’t commit. I’m suing them all for this upsetting nightmare. My lawyer knows I’m a model citizen who doesn’t partake in drugs. He’s going to court this week to set the record straight again on my behalf. Thankfully I’m an educated multi-millionaire who knows better than to speak to perverted unjust cops without my lawyer. (via)

And now back to her arrest which is clearly bullshit because Amanda’s allergic to drugs and alcohol. Those DUIs from last year were Photoshopped:
For once and for all, this is the last thing I’ll say about the mistaken arrest. I’m suing NYPD for illegally entering my apartment, lying about drugs on me and lying about me tampering with non existent drug paraphernalia, then I’m suing for being put into a mental hospital against my will, then locked up overnight for coming home after a facial and working out with my trainer like the good girl that I am. I’m allergic to alcohol and drugs and don’t partake in any of the above. I’m so offended by all of this but so proud to not be a drug or alcohol user. I don’t need to talk about this anymore. My lawyer and I are taking this offense so seriously! Everything they did was against the law and The judge saw that there was no drugs on me or proof of any type of bong or mental illness (I was so offended to even be taken to a mental hospital and they would not let me call my lawyer until the next day after being in jail all night, then I went to court and was immediately released because the judge saw that I was wrongly arrested. The cops found no proof of any type of drug use or evidence of drug paraphernalia such as a bong in or around my apartment) I’m also suing my apartment complex for lying about me smoking in my building. I’m free forever! You can’t lock up an innocent person! Thanks for caring! Look forward to seeing me in music videos! I’m getting in shape and getting a nose job! I’m looking forward to a long and wonderful career as a singer/rapper! (via)

Also, don’t listen to her parents. Those people are 70 (Eww!) and God willing will die homeless:
to say I wasn’t offended being treated like a mental insane person/criminal on the night the cops illegally entered my apartment, found nothing, sexually assaulted me, then arrested me taking me to a mental hospital, then locking me up all night for no wrong doing us criminal on THEIR part. My lawyer and I are taking this mistake extremely seriously! You cannot illegally enter my apartment then take me to mental hospital without any grounds. I have never been so offended in my life. They found nothing criminal on me or around me, one cop then sexually assaulted me, so I’m suing for all of the above! I’ll be happy when I get money compensation from the cop who assaulted me and NYPD for wrongfully arresting me and having me put into a mental hospital and jail overnight! I don’t want to keep talking about it. My lawyer is taking care of it for me. My real friends don’t talk about me on twitter. Also, never trust or listen to a word any person from my family says to the press. I am suing them for money laundering/unethical manager work, I never signed a contract with them, and they had been stealing my money without me knowing, claiming they were managing me somehow when they have no right to act as if they did anything to help or enhance my career and I want $ back that I earned on my own. I’m 27 and don’t like when press talks to my parents. My parents are almost 70 years old. We are no longer on speaking terms. I would rather them be homeless than live off of my money. (via)

Here’s what confused me the most about this whole fiasco: How the hell did Amanda Bynes make it through a psych eval? But then I realized she moved to New York City where half the people on the street are shitting in mailboxes while talking on invisible cellphones, so clever girl. Soon she shall be their queen…

Photos: Splash News