Why Wouldn’t Alexander Skarsgard Be Banging An Italian Skydiver?

May 8th, 2012 // 25 Comments

Alexander Skarsgard, who by the way is currently gracing Subway soda cups which is why your Coke tastes pregnant, is apparently banging an Italian skydiver now, according to Life & Style which is really the only way to follow up nailing Rihanna in a Geisha house which, fun fact, he also totally did. Via Socialite Life:

Alexander Skarsgard (seen here the other day at LAX) got frisky with his Battleship costar Rihanna while the pair promoted their new movie in Tokyo.
“They went to a geisha bathhouse,” a source said. “They were drinking, and before you knew it they were in a corner getting hot and heavy.”

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow your roll, “source.” Alexander Skarsgard doesn’t need alcohol to enchant a woman into parting her Skarsgard handlebars (Or “legs,” in your human talk.) for a pelting of Swedish thunder that trembles her to her very core. Sure, Rihanna was probably drunk for such are her butt sex jamboree ways, but don’t for one second think Alexander Skarsgard requires the aid of spirits to fuckonate his prey. I’ve witnessed him walk into a delivery room seconds after a woman’s given birth then watched her toss the baby into a bedpan and pretend she didn’t just squeeze out a small person. “Ha! What? That? My vagina always does that. STICK IT IN.

If this wasn’t the one song you’d immediately want playing while having crazy tandem skydiving sex miles above the Earth, you’re legally dead inside. Seriously, this is how we’ll weed out cyborgs in the future.

HUMAN: Quick, first song that pops in your head when you think about skydiving sex.
CYBORG: Tom Petty’s “Free Fallin’.”
HUMAN: My god, you’re not one of us. *blasts cyborg in the face with ray gun*

Photos: Getty

superficial

  1. cc

    I am not in a position to be highly selective, but as God is my witness, I would not bang Rihanna.

  2. Bryan

    I’m a cyborg apparently.

  3. MyRightOne

    Good God, man! You are never permitted to go on vacation again. I’ve missed you and your unabashed adoration for all things Skarsgard. I think I love you. *sips Coke* Ahhh…nothing like the flavor of carbonated hCG with lemon.

    And that would *naked* Italian skydiver. We all need more naked skydiving in our lives, right?

    http://unofficialnetworks.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/roberta-mancino-5.jpg

    http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0WVdsRGOxwk/T1u7BAoPNTI/AAAAAAAAKxI/CYit5GXfaBU/s1600/robertamancino1.jpg

  4. MyRightOne

    My god, man! You are never permitted to go on vacation again. I’ve missed you and your unabashed adoration of all things Skarsgard. I think I love you. *sips Coke* Ahhh…nothing like the flavor of carbonated hCG with lemon.

    And that would be *naked* Italian skydiver (just google Roberta Mancino…trust). We all could use a little naked skydiving in our lives, right? Right. Glad you’re coming with me on that.

  5. DeucePickle

    Just when i think “why your Coke tastes pregnant” is the funniest thing I’ve heard all day, you go and top it with “Skarsgard handlebars”.
    Brilliant.

  6. Dramatic Puddle

    See? I told you all that Photo Boy did a shit job, and this post alone is proof. No one could replace Fish.

  7. Alexander Skarsgard Rihanna Battleship
    Crissy
    Commented on this photo:

    And the media has a way to convince people, for a while, that these two are hot… Ewwwwww, ugly ass people!

  8. locknload

    SW, I’m still going strong on that pledge. I have yet to not click through a Skarsgard photo collection. Mmmhmm.

    Now I’m off to daydream of skydiving sex with the Skarsgard.

  9. EricLr

    A biologist friend of mine told me that a fully grown adult male Skarsgard can impregnate a female from up to 100 feet away, through a concrete wall.

  10. I don’t get it! He isn’t even all that attractive, actually not attractive at all. I guess if you have enough publicity, any man can look appealing. Damn brainwashing industry.

    • BAHAH

      The guy is tall, muscular, successful, wealthy, sexy…What’s there not to like? Oh, and you must have not watched the sex scenes in True Blood he participates in…He’s fangtastic ;)

  11. Kate

    Yes to everything The Superficial Writer says about Alexander Skarsgard. Alexander Skarsgard could straight up tell me he just banged my sister, my best friend, and a trio of 18-year-olds and I’d already be climbed on top and halfway through my first thunderous orgasm – OF WHICH THERE WOULD BE MANY.

    Truly a gift sent down by the Viking gods to continue our population

  12. Catherine

    He looks 302989348x better in True Blood. Regardless, he’s still attractive.

  13. SFRowGuy

    Um, Hello? Mile-High Club. Does he need any other reason?

  14. gigi

    please…… the micro second I saw the very first preview of this frigging trainwreck of a movie, I knew those 2 would be banging immediately…. ::sniff:: now he’s really tainted

  15. I would fuck the skydiving chick he’s fucking too. Also I would fuck Rihanna HARD!

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