Why Wouldn’t Alexander Skarsgard Be Banging An Italian Skydiver?
Alexander Skarsgard, who by the way is currently gracing Subway soda cups which is why your Coke tastes pregnant, is apparently banging an Italian skydiver now, according to Life & Style which is really the only way to follow up nailing Rihanna in a Geisha house which, fun fact, he also totally did. Via Socialite Life:
Alexander Skarsgard (seen here the other day at LAX) got frisky with his Battleship costar Rihanna while the pair promoted their new movie in Tokyo.
“They went to a geisha bathhouse,” a source said. “They were drinking, and before you knew it they were in a corner getting hot and heavy.”
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow your roll, “source.” Alexander Skarsgard doesn’t need alcohol to enchant a woman into parting her Skarsgard handlebars (Or “legs,” in your human talk.) for a pelting of Swedish thunder that trembles her to her very core. Sure, Rihanna was probably drunk for such are her butt sex jamboree ways, but don’t for one second think Alexander Skarsgard requires the aid of spirits to fuckonate his prey. I’ve witnessed him walk into a delivery room seconds after a woman’s given birth then watched her toss the baby into a bedpan and pretend she didn’t just squeeze out a small person. “Ha! What? That? My vagina always does that. STICK IT IN.“
If this wasn’t the one song you’d immediately want playing while having crazy tandem skydiving sex miles above the Earth, you’re legally dead inside. Seriously, this is how we’ll weed out cyborgs in the future.
HUMAN: Quick, first song that pops in your head when you think about skydiving sex.
CYBORG: Tom Petty’s “Free Fallin’.”
HUMAN: My god, you’re not one of us. *blasts cyborg in the face with ray gun*