Alec Baldwin Has Produced A Male Heir

NO, IT’S NOT LIKE THE FUCKING NINJA TURTLE, YOU COCKSUCKING QUEEN! It’s with an F.”

Until today, Alec Baldwin’s only offspring have been girls – And how! – but now he’s the proud father of bouncing baby boy. A male heir to one day sit on a throne of seething anger as he wages neverending war against the Cocksucking Illuminati. Us Weekly reports:

The yoga instructor, 31, welcomed a son named Rafael with her husband of nearly three years, Alec Baldwin. The happy couple’s latest addition makes their daughter Carmen, 21 months, an older sister for the first time.

In related news, NYPD officers responded to an infant punching this morning with witnesses claiming they heard a man yell, “YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST WALTZ INTO MY HOUSE AND START SUCKING MY WIFE’S TIT, YOU PREENING LITTLE SODOMITE!? TURN THAT ELMO CAMERA OFF!” As of this post, the assailant hasn’t been identified and, frankly, it could’ve been anybody. We’ll probably never know.

Photo: Jefferson Siegel/New York Daily News