Adrian Peterson Allegedly Beat Another Kid

“See, Mike, your mistake was using dogs. Now kids? Kids are where the good whoopin’s at. Not only is that shit legal, but mothafucka’s will actually go on TV and defend your ass.”
“For real?”
“Google Charles Barkley, son.”

Because Adrian Peterson’s parents understood the value of good, old-fashioned southern whoopings, he not only grew up to become a professional football player, but also a righteous man of God who’s not afraid to spare the rod when it comes to his 800 kids scattered across the country thanks to having unprotected sex with multiple women. Which brings us to June 2013 when one of his baby mamas reported Adrian Peterson to child protective services for striking another four-year-old son while he was in his car seat. The result of the investigation ended up being “unclear,” and his lawyer was quick to toss out a statement yesterday once news outlets started finding out about it. Via Deadspin:

“The allegation of another investigation into Adrian Peterson is simply not true. This is not a new allegation, it’s one that is unsubstantiated and was shopped around to authorities in two states over a year ago and nothing came of it. An adult witness adamantly insists Adrian did nothing inappropriate with his son. There is no ongoing or new investigation.”

Except here are text messages obtained by KHOU Houston that are allegedly between Peterson and the boy’s mother:

Mother : “What happened to his head?
Peterson: “Hit his head on the Carseat”.
Mother “How does this happen, he got a whoopin in the car
Peterson: “Yep”
Mother: “Why?’
Peterson: “I felt so bad. But he did it his self.”
The text messages go on to show Peterson saying he was disciplining his son for cussing to a sibling. Also in the text messages, the mother asks “What did you hit him with?”
Peterson never answers directly but writes “be still n (and) take ya (your) whopping, he would have saved the scare (scar). “He’s aight (all right).”
The exchange continued:
Mother: “I’m real sensitive about my baby and him being hit.”
Peterson: “You tripping if you want him, come get him. I’m not about to be getting questioned down like you (you’re) CPS.

Of course, we’ll never really know if Adrian Peterson reached back and slapped a child still small enough to need a car seat with head support because it’s not like he’s openly and proudly admitted to whooping kids in front of a grand jury before, but I’m only just saying that in case his lawyer is reading this. Just like how I’m going to say these next texts are 100% parody, but I like to believe they happened right before the ones up top.

Peterson: so you might be mad at me about your boy’s head. im big Daddy and all heart. but when it comes to tearin that butt up i don’t play no games.
Mother: My boy’s not with you this weekend.
Peterson: OH SHIT. my bad.
Mother: We cool.
(15 minute time lapse)
Peterson: yo. if I send you a picture of this kid could you maybe tell me who his mom is?

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Photo: Getty