Aaron Carter’s Blaming His DUI On 9/11 Because Meth Is Great

While it’s been nice not having to be an asshole for a couple of days, I’m honestly pretty excited that the first thing back is this video of Aaron Carter recounting the play-by-play of his July 15th DUI arrest at an Autozone a few days ago. His storytelling is… *kisses fingers* transcendent. A master of his craft, Aaron Carter would’ve had Chekhov stroking his beard saying, “damn… this guy knows his shit,” in Russian obviously…

Aaron’s odyssey has it all: sabotage, revenge, a damsel in distress that Aaron has to protect throughout the night by fighting off bears at a truck stop – has anyone put in a bid for the rights yet? Spike TV? TLC? History Channel? Where you at on this, because I can crank out a treatment faster than you can say Buffalo Wild Wings.

While Aaron Carter says he only smokes pot, he continues to hold true to his meth-twink hybrid roots with the outfits, neck tattoos, facial weathering (the guy’s only 29), and shifty cause/effect logic. I love how he goes from a simple and almost reasonable excuse of “my car had a bad tire,” to this epic journey he’s been on since 2001:

“This car was on a personal mission to destroy me and make me late to my gig at taco joint in northern Georgia. It also made me smoke pot like, yesterday, and kept me high the whole time by never allowing me to roll up the windows. My girlfriend, I shoved her in a trunk! To keep her safe! FROM EVIL! None of this would have ever happened if 9/11 didn’t happen, which was in 2001… the same year I opened for Michael Jackson and was the biggest teen idol in the world. My fans… they long for my return… I want to tell them that I, Aaron Carter, am ready for my comeback!

..and if you DM me on Instagram I’ll play a show in your backyard. We’ll call it – Aaron’s party but it’ll really be your party because you’ll pay me $50. I’m gonna need you to pick me up though.”

Stay American, Aaron Carter – you are a national treasure, my friend…