Aaron Carter Was Obviously Bisexual, But Let’s Freak Out Anyway

It’s very rare that I catch celebrity gossip news on weekends. My friends don’t talk about it, my girlfriend doesn’t give a shit, and I frequently stay mum when the subject comes up with misinformed acquaintances that think they know anything about Justin Bieber’s shit-eating antics (I’m a goddamn expert at this point).

Instead I catch up on things that actually matter: China putting sanctions on the PRK, the comedy of errors coming out of our own executive branch, and (most importantly) how to build a revolutionary war-era earthen oven. But last weekend, by some strange celestial collaboration between the the soon-eclipting sun and Farrah Abraham’s prosthetic vagina, I was barraged with Aaron Carter coming out as bisexual. It was like getting a call from my mother telling me that she heard on the news it was raining where I lived.

I know it’s raining here, mom – I don’t live in a bomb shelter.

Inversely…

I’ve always figured Aaron Carter has banged some dude(s), but I really should buy more canned yams for my bomb shelter.

This is the dumbest PR “come-out” since climate change deniers hit The Groundhog with a taser to stop snow from melting. According to TMZ, Aaron Carter (the same guy blaming his DUI on 9/11) broke up with his girlfriend and felt the need to explain to his 14 fans his side of the story. I don’t know much about their relationship other than the fact that he makes her drive him around to gigs at taco joints and open/close his car door for him because he’s the trailer park twink version of Norma Desmond. He opened for Michael Jackson once, guys and he’s NOT afraid to remind you if you won’t let him cut you in line at Arby’s.

Anyway, yea… Aaron Carter likes dudes sometimes. Who would have ever guessed that the guy who publicly treated his girlfriend like a stage mom, has an aversion to IPA’s and hoppy beer that’s so intense that it comes up in everyday conversation, and performs the noon slot at San Francisco Pride Fest was bisexual.

Mondays, eh?!?! LOLOL!

… and if anyone was wondering, my earthen oven (which I named “Bad Larry”) came out great. I made bread and can’t wait to try and rock a pizza in that bad boy.