A Special Thanks From The Desk of The Superficial

August 20th, 2014 // 141 Comments
My Desk

Seven years ago today, Karl Wang plucked me out of nowhere and published my first post on The Superficial which you can see here. It reads like shit, and I’ve only marginally improved as a writer, but I won’t bore you to tears with how I obtained the power of The Glow despite my pale, almost bone-white skin and earned the mantle of “Fish” only a few weeks later. That’s a tale for others to etch into a mountain, and mostly I forget a lot of it. In fact, if you put a gun to my head, I’ll swear we all experienced a collective “flash-forward,” and the year 2009 never even happened in the traditional sense of how we perceive time, but enough about my prescient insights that will guide future generations.

The point of this post is to genuinely thank each and every one of you for somehow still reading the site even though the ads have been a never-ending shit-show and our tablet/mobile experience more than likely violates the Geneva Convention. For seven years now, I’ve woken up every weekday morning and written ridiculous shit underneath celebrity tits that no decent person should have any business reading, and yet the next day I’m greeted with traffic numbers that defy all logic and reason. Fuck, I spent an entire Thanksgiving break obsessively writing a book report about Sarah Palin, and yet here (some of) you still are. On top of that, I’ve been humbled by emails thanking me for helping you laugh through a shitty time which almost always seems to come on a day when I feel like I just farted out the worst jokes of my life. And I didn’t even masturbate when I read them. The first time.

So, again, thanks. I don’t know what’s next for me or the site in the coming year (Although, if I had to wager a guess, it’d be Photo Boy and I still cramming it full of boobs and dick jokes for money and cheap sexual thrills.), but I just want all of you to know I appreciate you reading my shenanigans day in and day out which I keep meaning to say every time this anniversary rolls around. You inspire me to push myself to new limits – which I’ll eventually get around to once I stop drinking and playing Pushmo until all hours of the night. Have you guys played Pushmo? Holy shit.

Anyway, in the words of a great prophet, “You take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street, or sticking your face in a fan.”

Mike Redmond,
The Superficial Writer

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  1. Finny

    Congrats on 7 years, Now STFU and make with the boobies, clown.

  2. Miss_Moppet

    Fish, I remember back in the day, a friend and I discussed the change in the writing style on The Superficial and how much we liked it. Then the political stuff started and we liked it even more. Then came the Bertney posts, the movie reviews, #BBare etc. Now I’m a junkie and this site is one I check every single day.

    Thank you for all the laughter, the insight and the boobs. Especially the boobs.

    A Superficial Reader

    • …could’nt have said it better …my buddy dwayne had just turned me on to thesuperficial earlier that same year, we both loved the unique style of “snark with conscience” (and boobs, and booties) …i was there on that day and actually remember that post …i’ve been a die-hard fan (*cough-groupie-cough*) since day one …i’ve touched oprah and yet my proudest moment is still when you mentioned me in a post …keep doing you, Mike …you da muthafuka man.

  3. buzz

    Didn’t Keep Up with the Kardashians start around same time period too? :p

  4. I’ve been reading this worthless goddamn site for 6 years and have fucking loved it more and more each and every day that goes by. You are my morning coffee companion, and my evening boob-filled sanctuary. Congrats Fish, and keep it coming.

  5. That Food Writer Guy

    Mike, I told you a while back I auditioned for your job too. I’m glad you were the one that got it. I’m pretty sure I’ve read the site for that long — you’ve done a terrific job. Nobody else could have done a better one.

  6. Kisses4Katie

    Wow, Fish, I remember that post.
    I love you man. This site has been my top site for about that amount of time. It’s the first page I check when I get home, and I stopped reading tabloids when I found you. Ahh….
    Thank you. Congratulations, here’s to 7 more years!! Keep it up my friend.

  7. lady loca

    WE LOVE YOU FISH !!! thanks for making me laugh err day.

  8. Just visited the first post you linked and I don’t see anything for you to be embarrassed about, Fish. Okay, it’s not going to win any Golden Dick Joke Awards™, but it’s still fairly solid. Meanwhile, did you skim the comments on that post? Maybe they look worse than they are because there was no reply function back then, but when they devolve into “Who farted?” it’s pretty clear that the readers have kicked it up several notches since then—and it’s under your inspiration and tutelage.

    Keep on truckin’.

  9. homer

    who the hell cares

  10. Fag.

    ;)

    Just kidding. I love you and this site. Keep pissing off conservatives please.

  11. Mr. Poop

    Love you.

    Sincerely,
    Mr. Poop

  12. Telegram from Hillary Duff:
    Happy anniversary to the Superficial STOP
    Thanks for letting everyone know that hot moms rock STOP
    Fish, about these dick pix you keep sending me STOP

  13. Texas Girl

    Love you forever and always for making me laugh so much. I hope one day I’ll make your page. For my boobs (which are pretty awesome), my ass (equally awesome), or for my fame (non-existent). No matter the reason I’d die if I saw Photo Boy crouching in the bushes one day.

  14. Scott

    Fish you’re a brilliant writer and hilariously funny. Maybe you like to be self deprecating like John Stewart is, pretending that what you do isn’t exceptional, but it is. This is the only site I go to every day – for fun. Everything else is Facebook, CNN, etc. Sometimes it’s hard to explain why I know the latest celebrity gossip… but it’s worth the laughs. Anyway man, you should be very proud. You have a voice like non other. Hope the upcoming year has a book deal or whatever else you wish in store for you. People deserve to enjoy your writing and the more, the better. Thanks for the laughs and most of all thanks for allowing me to enjoy your brilliance and creativity.

  15. Swearin

    Yours is the only site I check every day. I’m a fairly jaded, sarcastic SOB, the world perplexes and angers me, and being given the chance to read your posts – the funny, the sexy, the soapbox-y – is the outlet I need and am grateful for to carry on in my mundane but oft-improving life.

    So thank you for continuing to point out the foibles of pop culture and for giving us the chance to put rediculous and borderline sexist/racist/homophobic and often just plain stupid comments on the photos your assistant/love slave Photo Boy puts up at the end of the day(s).

    I’m going to go now, because the pretentiousness of my comment is reaching Franco proportions and I don’t want to have to kick my own ass.

  16. This post needs more breast feeding

  17. I have been reading your site for god…6 out of your 7 years? Love it. this site is one of the 5 that I visit religiously everyday. Happy Anniversary!

  18. Your posts (almost) always makes me laugh, and your political stuff is golden. In fact, the political stuff is what keeps me coming back xD Congrats on 7 lewd, unclassy, shameless years!

  19. Hmm

    It’s the only site I can think of that has celebrity boobs and other shit as well as political commentary which makes it oddly one of the best sites out there. It is such a weird combination of two diametrically opposed topics that somehow works amazingly well.

  20. the best part has been the creation and continuance of The Most Important People On The Internet. There’s some comedy gold buried in there.

  21. What you’ve given us has been sumptuous – we should be the ones thanking you. Your “ridiculous shit” makes me laugh every fucking day, and that’s the reason I go to this site before I even check my mail in the morning.

    What can I say? You had me way before $300 GOOP scone holsters, and I have no intention of ever quitting you.

  22. kravdan

    Fish,
    You will continue to write here until you die old, lonely, and riddled with arthritis from chronic masturbation. You are the best!

  23. tlmck

    Yourwork is very much appreciated.

  24. sc4play

    Congratulations! Thanks for the laughs!

  25. Father Dougal

    Tits. Off-color commentary. Moar tits. You’re doing the Lord’s work, son. Here’s to the next seven years!

  26. Mike Kraze

    Been here since the beginning, no complaints here The Superficial has gotten funnier and more interesting as the years have gone by, so that’s got to count for something. Congrats Fish!

  27. Dick Handy

    You’re the best part of my long dreary days. Congratulations and keep up the good work.

  28. The fact that you recognize just how fucking evil the mobile site is makes it somehow easier to tolerate.

    Grats, keep up the good work.

  29. Bittersweet Lenny

    I’m addicted to TCWM and the hilarious commenters! Lucky 7. Keep up the greatness!

  30. flux

    The Superficial is the odd site I visit every day, and leave open in my browser all the time. The rest are nerd site, nerd site, nerd site, etc, etc. Then waaaay over to the right, here’s the Superficial, next to Anandtech.

    This shit is *cough* excellent. Keep it up, yo.

  31. Notsomuchofasoccermom

    Mike, thank you so much for your daily commentary. I’m not into the breast topics but you fill the site with some great word/phrase punches. Thanks again!!!

  32. I’m really drunk right now so I’m just going to say that making fun of people on this site and reading how you make fun of people on this site and reading how the commenters make fun of people on this site makes each day a little bit more tolerable. People are generally a bunch of fucking wankers so thank you for my daily dose of sardonic cynicism. You help keep me sane xoxoxo going to pass out now ….

  33. We’re you forced to write this anniversary note?

  34. Don’t scare me like that Fish! I thought that you were going to make the announcement that you were leaving .
    Your posts and the comments get me through the long work day.. I also like that you interact with us in the comments section and call us out on our bullshit. Keep up the great work

    BTW, your desk has a lot less porn than I thought.

  35. Katharina

    I love you. Thanks for 7 years of laughing :)

  36. P.T.S. Potential Trouble Source

    Mike/Fish, as always keep up the great work, I remember that first post 7 years ago. You and photoboy, (don’t forget to feed and walk him!) give us awesome pics and great comedy/insight to make it through the day. Keep taking it to the max and the conservative right!

  37. Ah Fish. It’s been a joy.

    Does that mean I’ve been wasting my life on this site for almost a decade?

  38. Icehawg

    Even if this post was a tiny assed woman, Don Zaloog would still fuck it. It’s that good.

  39. asscrackofdawn

    Have never commented here but wanted to let you know that your writing has always made me laugh. I love this site. Keep doing what you do brother.

  40. 7 years? What the fuck have I done with my life?!

  41. I’ve only been reading religiously about 3 years, and I enjoy every minute of it. Especially when you get political and everyone shits all over and flings poo like monkeys.

    Anyway, damn good job Fish and thanks!

  42. I look forward to the commentary every day; write more, masturbate less! Or if you’re looking for a happy medium masturbate while you’re posting more.

  43. dreamcrusher

    I admit you do bring the celebrity snark in an entertaining way. But your political posts reveal that you have been feminized and terrorized by the teachers unions into being a hysterical and hyper-sensitive PC mama’s boy. Your lack of political insight is disturbing as is your fascist and intolerant world view which does not permit any dissent from your utopian socialist fantasy land ideals.

    Stick to the dick jokes my friend.

    • ah, another reason to love this site. BUTTHURT CONSERVATIVES. who ‘doesn’t permit any dissent’? I don’t see anyone having their posts deleted on this site. again, the paranoia and extreme butthurts of the right wing is DELICIOUS. keep it coming.

    • The repeat mentions of being feminized by the teacher unions make me wonder who crushed dreamcrushers dreams. Who hurt you man?

      Also I bet the porn he watches is pretty damn scary.

    • Zeroh Tollrants

      I believe, though you have stated it poorly, is that you find the posts on politics to be solipsistic and
      puerile, rationalized conformity, where the “in group” engage in such concurrence seeking
      that it has dominated alternative ideals. It’s to be expected, social m
      edia groups tend to submerge independent thinking in favor of conf
      ormity, especially among those whose ideology has previous been non-solidified.

  44. renotastic

    Thanks, Fish! You have quite the brilliant mind for a Pennsylvanian.

  45. Fish, I was reading your anniversary post this morning and got a sick feeling that you were quitting. Nooooooo!!

    Thank the god of Kim’s ass you’re not.

    I think I’ve been coming here several times a day since almost the beginning. Remember “First” then “Frist”?

    Congratulations on your seven year anniversary. You make me laugh every single day.

  46. Cock Dr

    Thanks for this; it is the best & only site for the venting of my compulsive resentments, hatreds & snark.
    It is an internet trash can for all of our socially unacceptable noises.

  47. RichPort

    I don’t even much care for celebrity gossip, but the writing on this site and the hilarious comments have kept me checking in for years.

    Fuck you Fish. I blame any loss of productivity at work on you.

  48. Roberta

    Love this site. Keep on keeping on, Fish. Great work :-)

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