Seven years ago today, Karl Wang plucked me out of nowhere and published my first post on The Superficial which you can see here. It reads like shit, and I’ve only marginally improved as a writer, but I won’t bore you to tears with how I obtained the power of The Glow despite my pale, almost bone-white skin and earned the mantle of “Fish” only a few weeks later. That’s a tale for others to etch into a mountain, and mostly I forget a lot of it. In fact, if you put a gun to my head, I’ll swear we all experienced a collective “flash-forward,” and the year 2009 never even happened in the traditional sense of how we perceive time, but enough about my prescient insights that will guide future generations.
The point of this post is to genuinely thank each and every one of you for somehow still reading the site even though the ads have been a never-ending shit-show and our tablet/mobile experience more than likely violates the Geneva Convention. For seven years now, I’ve woken up every weekday morning and written ridiculous shit underneath celebrity tits that no decent person should have any business reading, and yet the next day I’m greeted with traffic numbers that defy all logic and reason. Fuck, I spent an entire Thanksgiving break obsessively writing a book report about Sarah Palin, and yet here (some of) you still are. On top of that, I’ve been humbled by emails thanking me for helping you laugh through a shitty time which almost always seems to come on a day when I feel like I just farted out the worst jokes of my life. And I didn’t even masturbate when I read them. The first time.
So, again, thanks. I don’t know what’s next for me or the site in the coming year (Although, if I had to wager a guess, it’d be Photo Boy and I still cramming it full of boobs and dick jokes for money and cheap sexual thrills.), but I just want all of you to know I appreciate you reading my shenanigans day in and day out which I keep meaning to say every time this anniversary rolls around. You inspire me to push myself to new limits – which I’ll eventually get around to once I stop drinking and playing Pushmo until all hours of the night. Have you guys played Pushmo? Holy shit.
Anyway, in the words of a great prophet, “You take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street, or sticking your face in a fan.”
The Superficial Writer