Welcome to this week’s installment of The Most Important People on The Internet coming at you a day early thanks to America’s magic mascot rising from the dead two thousand years ago because that’s literally how long we’ve been beating the zombie genre into the ground. Anyway, I’ve also got two long as shit comments that broke our gallery, so special thanks to Pierce Bronzetan and cmonreally for paying careful attention to Katherine Heigl‘s Duane Reade lawsuit and pointing out the goddamn ridiculousness of Kim Kardashian‘s Audrey Hepburn photo shoot respectively. May the Holy Bunny fill your Fallopian tubes with assorted eggs, candies, and those little birds made out of marshmallows. For as it is written. More »
Welcome to Thursday’s The Crap We Missed, your final installment for the week as Fish and I take pause tomorrow to call our dads and thank them for not making us die an excruciating death so that you all can live your lives like giant assholes, ignore everything we taught you, but promise real hard that you love us, so you can come live in our kickass tree fort when you die. Seriously dad, thanks for not doing that, I mean, you’d have to be a real sadist to pull some shit like that on your own kid.
So enjoy Michael Douglas getting photobombed, Jon Hamm and the easiest ‘objects may be larger than they appear’ joke opportunity ever, and the tremendous run of random butts starting here that I shoved into this thing because resurrecting boners is a passion I take seriously.
- Photo Boy
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Photo: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN
Earlier in the week, the Internet lost its shit after becoming deeply concerned that Kate Upton might get a breast reduction because she hates her giant boobs. Except now she’s backtracking those remarks which she claims she never said probably because people called her out on how she got famous in the first place. So if you think I’m going to let her get away with that, you’re goddamn right because her breasts are gigantic. Would she like to murder a puppy? Because I can get her puppies. I’ll get her all the puppies. Just say the word.
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If you’re avid clicker of The Crap We Missed, you’ve probably seen Maitland Ward at some red carpet event thanks to Photo Boy’s uncanny ability to somehow not make every pic Prince Charles. So for reasons that can be described as, “How am I not seeing her vagina?” here’s Maitland’s very own post from last night’s A Haunted House 2 premiere. Later, today you can tell your friends you saw that chick Corey and Erik fought over after letting her live in their apartment which seems kind of a rapey thing to do, but if 90s sitcom were anything, they were a mirror to the world. Oh, how we wanted to know if people had any cheese back then. How we wanted to know so bad.
Photos: Fame/Flynet, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN
When you’re the Planetary Prince-Regent of Adamanthium 7, you get only the finest quimmelwidgets to galactic shazzlebang your norfbong. It’s practically your birthright. Which is why the rumors are true that Tom Cruise has chosen fellow Scientologist Laura Prepon to be the new slave-bride he makes people believe he has heterosexual relations with under the cover of darkness. Page Six reports:
P.R. reps for the two denied any romance in November after the actors were spotted enjoying a cozy dinner at the Manor Hotel in Los Angeles.
However, my source on the Left Coast says Cruise and Prepon are still seeing each other, but they are being extremely careful to keep it secret. “It’s the buzz on the set of her show,” the insider told me.
When asked how many weeks he’d keep this one locked in the engine room of a slave ship, Tom Cruise laughed then asked, “Why? Did she get out?” while secretly wondering if he forgot to check the padlock. Later, his guards would seal all the exits, and it’d be 18 weeks until any of us saw our families again. But we weren’t the same people they remembered. And probably never would be again…
Here’s Day 2 of Heidi Klum‘s topless vacation with 27-year-old Vito Schnabel who at one point was banging Demi Moore, but presumably saw Boba Fett crawl out of her stomach and called it a day. As for what that has to do with the price of flapjacks in Germany, who understands half of these posts, amirite? High five!
Poor little lad in his velvet coat. So innocent, so naive.
Just some background, in 1997, director Bryan Singer was accused, but unsuccessfully sued, by two 14-year-old extras of being filmed naked during a shower scene in Apt Pupil that was more for Bryan Singer than the movie, if you know what I mean. Which is why this latest lawsuit probably shouldn’t come as a surprise even though it’s perfectly timed a month before the release of X-Men: Days of Future Past and a few days before Easter when not a damn thing is going on. Not that that makes it suspect. I’m merely pointing out how well-played it is and even agreeing that it seems completely plausible because Corey Feldman told us this exact thing was happening, but we all just assumed he meant Michael Jackson because there was no way he wasn’t talking about Michael Jackson. The Wrap reports: More »