Here’s the rest of The 2013 Billboards Music Awards which you’ll probably notice is nothing but Jennifer Lopez, Selena Gomez, Jenny McCarthy‘s breasts and Madonna‘s unholy war on pants. On that note, if you’re wondering why there are way more performance shots of Jennifer Lopez than Selena Gomez, that’s because Selena didn’t jump around the stage looking like Roja, Big Bird’s Latina cousin with the big ass.
After spending the morning equating Ke$ha‘s face with terrorism, making light of body issues and generally violating a woman’s privacy, the least I can do is put on my sensitivity hat for a minute and acknowledge that once you ignore every single thing that defines her as a human being, Taylor Swift is not only sexually attractive, but was easily the hottest chick at last night’s Billboard Music Awards. I feel like I lost my edge just typing all that, but sometimes I’m a delicate ocean of emotion in a sea of flowers. Get lost in my waves!
I thought we could take a break from the Billboard Music Awards for a second and get back to what this site’s good at: Not knowing what the hell a vagina looks like. So here’s Amy Adams on the set of American Hustle flashing something near the area where I’m told they’re kept. Unless I’m looking at this map wrong. *holds medallion up to lighthouse* Where are you, One-Eyed Wil- vagina. I’m looking for vagina.
Photos: Splash News
A few weeks ago, Christina Aguilera arrived at The Time 100 Gala looking surprisingly thinner for someone who couldn’t shut up about how comfortable she was in her skin and how her boyfriend couldn’t get enough of it. (Although, in her defense, neither could secretaries of state.) Anyway, here she is at the Billboard Music Awards where I may have freaked out and thought her breasts got smaller from the weight loss until I figured out it was just the dress. So just out of curiosity, how pissed would somebody be if a crate full of ribs showed up at their house while they’re on a diet? — Call Jessica Simpson to intercept? On it.
Back in April, Gwyneth Paltrow showed up to the premiere of Iron Man 3 in an insane side-butt outfit that made everyone talk about Gwyneth Paltrow because, cuntery aside, she is an attractive woman in remarkable shape. Ke$ha, on the other hand, tried to pull off a similar look at the Billboard Music Awards and all everyone talked about were the two men with pressure cookers in their backpacks going, “Well, this just seems pointless now.”
Photos: Getty, Splash News
While accepting the Milestone Award at last night’s Billboard Music Awards, Justin Bieber was loudly booed by the audience, so just assume he put a rape-baby in all of them and paid the press to make it look their ex-boyfriends are the fathers. Or at least that’s what I’m going with because I’m a scientist who only works with facts and empirical evidence. People reports:
“I’m 19 years old,” he told the crowd in accepting the final award of the night. “I think I’m doing a pretty good job.”
Those in the crowd said the negative response to Bieber was even louder in the arena than it sounded on television.
“This is not a gimmick,” he went on to say, in what sounded like an agitated tone. “I’m an artist, and I should be taken seriously. This other bull should not be spoken of.“
Lainey Gossip has done some great work spelling out what a crazy, over-entitled bubble this kid is kept in, so I’m not at all surprised he walked onto an awards show stage and demanded people only talk about how serious and awesome his “art” is and not that’s he an increasingly arrogant shithead who thinks he’s a hardass until he gets put back in his booster seat. His mom says none of that stuff matters anyway, so clearly the rest of the world should reinforce that message unless they want to be “dicks looking to get their ass beat.” *crushes Juicy Juice box on forehead* “Welcome to the Maple show, bitch. Hope you brought pancakes.”