The Crap We Missed – Monday 9.22.14

September 22nd, 2014 // 39 Comments

Welcome to Monday’s The Crap We Missed, which I was going to lead with Antonio Banderas feeling up his robot girlfriend, Salmatron, until I found this POV bikini shot of Selena Gomez, which just allowed me to combine the terms POV and Selena Gomez in bold on the Internet, so the answer is yes, filthy, stinky dirty money is accepted everywhere. And to further prove that point, here’s somehow-still-wealty Chris Brown at another charity thing, so we’ll maybe forget he beat the shit out of Rihanna, but we won’t, we won’t, and Miley Cyrus in a chicken and waffles bikini which I can’t connect to dirty money but did I mention the Selena Gomez POV?

Proud day for myself and my family,

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

And Now Back To Courtney Stodden’s Breasts

September 22nd, 2014 // 14 Comments

It was getting close to if not already past the time to wrap Courtney Stodden in a shower curtain and toss her in an Internet landfill next to Weston Cage (Remember Weston Cage?). But then she did something remarkable by showing everyone how low her implants are sagging, and the whole site lit up like a Christmas tree. So here they are again except better supported, so I might as well have thrown them in the trash and set it on fire. You’re right. I don’t know what I was thinking. This whole thing was stupid.

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Photos: Pacific Coast News

Dax Shepard Almost Beat The Shit Out of Justin Timberlake After His Punk’d Episode

September 22nd, 2014 // 7 Comments
Justin Timberlake MTV Punkd

Dax Shepard gets a lot of shit for being, well, Dax Shepard. Which is understandable considering him and his wife went on TV and literally compared getting their picture taken with child molestation, so fuck him. However, he was on the best/only good episode of Punk’d where Justin Timberlake was literally brought to tears after being made to believe the IRS was repossessing his house. But apparently after the cameras stopped rolling, he started talking shit to Dax Shepard who, at the time, was on his way to becoming a crazy junkie and had been given explicit instructions to never get physical with Ashton Kutcher‘s celebrity friends. Marc Maron’s WTF Podcast via Uproxx:

And at the end of that bit, when Ashton comes out [and says], ‘You’re on Punk’d’ blah blah blah, and everyone is celebrating … the bit is over, the cameras are off, and [Timberlake] keeps saying, ‘Yeah, man. I was about to f*cking punch you. And I was like, “Hmm mmm, alright.’
‘Dude, I was for real man, I was about to f**king punch you out,’ [Timberlake continued].
And I’m like, OK, that’s number two. I’m thinking how many times can I hear this dude in his golf outfit — he was wearing a golf outfit — tell me he can punch me out before I’m just not going to be able to handle it?
And God Bless Ashton. He goes, ‘When were you going to punch him? Before or after you were crying?’

Now you’re probably wondering why I just posted a story about two douches squaring off that ends with Ashton Kutcher, of all people, somehow being the hero. And the answer to that question is I honestly thought someone’s butthole was going to get eaten again. All the pieces were there. Seriously, what went wrong?

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Photo: MTV

This Is Jennifer Lopez’s New Stage Outfit

September 22nd, 2014 // 13 Comments

Jennifer Lopez has to compete with performers half her age, or in Ariana Grande‘s case, ones that could be her (great) granddaughter. And to her credit, she’s already tackled the problem head on by making ass videos with Iggy Azalea. That’s ingenuity in it’s purest form. That said, here’s Jennifer Lopez performing in Singapore in some sort of weird lingerie outfit while straddling a fainting couch because if there’s one thing that conjures up thoughts of hot, sexy youthfulness, it’s the same furniture your Nana has in her sewing room. Do you masturbate or think about oatmeal cookies? Those two don’t belong together. (Snickerdoodles? Maybe.)

Photos: Xposure/AKM-GSI

Derek Jeter: ‘First, You Eat My Butthole Then You Get The Gift Basket’

September 22nd, 2014 // 14 Comments
Derek Jeter
*Bursts Into The Post*
Lance Armstrong
Did Someone Say Butthole Eating?! Read More »

One of my most favorite things I’ve learned from my all years on the site is that Derek Jeter gives women gift baskets full of Yankees memorabilia after he’s done banging them. It’s a story that not only fills me with hope, but lifts my spirits when this world doesn’t make any sense. Except now Deadspin’s reporting that there’s an additional step before the giving of the baskets, and it’s eating Derek Jeter’s asshole. Granted, everything about this seems questionable as all hell, but a. my threshold for writing about butthole eating is low, and b. I kind of need this to be true because it means at one point someone heard the words, “Thanks for eating my anus. You may now choose one pack of Topps collectible trading cards from the box on the couch.” Otherwise, why are we even alive? In the meantime, I caught some heat a few weeks back for these Kesha swimsuit pics, so I’d just like those people to know that even though I now know Minka Kelly‘s face has been inside Derek Jeter’s butthole, I still think of her as a desirable sex object to put my penis into. Don’t question my deep reservoir of human compassion ever again.

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Photo: Getty

Kate Hudson Sees Dead People

September 22nd, 2014 // 10 Comments
Muse Knows What's Up
Kate Hudson Butt Bikini
Matt Bellamy Kisses Some Ass Read More »

In an interview with a British radio show, Kate Hudson revealed she once saw a woman’s ghost which is all the excuse I need to repost these bikini photos of her ass. That other stuff I was talking about via Us Weekly:

Hudson, who appeared on the U.K. talk show alongside Wish I Was Here costar Zach Braff, claimed she once saw “a ghost of a woman with no face.”
“It is not really seeing, it is feeling a spirit,” the blonde then clarified of her apparent sixth sense. “A fifth energy. I believe in energy. I believe our brains can manifest into visual things.”

But don’t worry, Kate will tell you exactly what to do when you eventually see a ghost. And you will:

“When you see something, you are supposed to tell the energy what year it is and that they don’t belong there,” she said. “When your brain is freaking out on you, you may have to remind it. Why is being dead funny?”

Question: What happens if the ghost – I’m sorry, “energy” – died the same year that you saw it, but you still tell it what year it is anyway? What happens then? Does it say, “Uh, no shit,” and return to the ether? Or do the drugs wear off and you realize you left the kids by the pool again? Because I’m leaning towards that last one.

Photos: Splash News

Leonardo DiCaprio Rapping Is Unfortunate

September 22nd, 2014 // 7 Comments

Leonardo DiCaprio has taken special pleasure in shooing Justin Bieber away not only once, but twice this summer. Which is hilarious and awesome and why I even get up in the morning, but tends to lose its credibility when Leo himself tries to rap even though Justin Bieber has demonstrated that white people should never ever do that. Then again, sometimes to destroy your enemy, you have to become him. Let’s see where this goes.

Leonardo DiCaprio Rapping After The Jump

Ariana Grande’s Life Coach Quit

September 22nd, 2014 // 28 Comments
Bitch, You Ain't Mariah
Ariana Grande Panty Flash
Giuliana Rancic Has Some Words For Ariana Read More »

Seen here performing at The iHeart Radio Music Festival over the weekend, Ariana Grande is looking more and more like an out-of-control diva who hopes her fans fucking die because now comes word that her life coach quit months ago after getting tired of her shit. Page Six reports:

We’re told that the 21-year-old rising pop star’s life coach, who was in charge of keeping her centered and healthy, walked off the job months ago because he just couldn’t handle her attitude.
“He just couldn’t take it anymore,” says the insider. “Everything people are saying about her is true.”

And by everything that obviously includes all those times I said she’s 12 because Ariana Grande is 12. A 12-year-old is rubbing her butt on Nicki Minaj except you’re all just going to sit there going, “Yeah, but she looks like a tiny JLo though.” You’re forcing my hand here. *picks up phone* “Chris Hansen? How’d you like a new partner? — Only if take down the Lourdes Leon bikini pics? Ha! Eat a dick bucket.” *hangs up* What we’re talking about again? Oh, right, you people disgust me.

Photos: Getty, MPNC/AKM-GSI, Splash News

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