And Now For The Time Chris Pratt Showed Amy Poehler His Penis

July 31st, 2014 // Leave a Comment
Amy Poehler Chris Pratt
WATCH: Chris Pratt Flashed Amy Poehler On 'Parks & Rec'

Jimmy Fallon has completely turned me off to NBC late night talk shows because instead of actually engaging guests in interesting conversations, he just makes them do a bunch of stupid viral bullshit so millennials will Tumbl/reddit/Tindrgrind it the next morning. (Por ejemplo.) Which is how I completely missed this Chris Pratt clip from Late Night With Seth Meyers until just now even though it mops the floor with the bullshit James Franco post I put up early today. So forget that even happened and enjoy this tale of penises flying in defiance of corporate brass, and the poor Amy Poehler who has to react to them.

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The Crap We Missed – Thursday 7.31.14

July 31st, 2014 // 179 Comments

Welcome to Wednesday’s The Crap We Missed, your daily repository for Hepatitus jokes (Haha! That dock has it now!) and pretending you wouldn’t happily die under the crushing weight of whatever Coco‘s ass is filled with. Is it racist if I guess Kool-Aid? But don’t stop there. Go ahead and take a stab (literally, please, if you get the opportunity) at Chris Brown‘s new gold teeth, Leo‘s new vice that has surprisingly nothing to do with vaginas attached to beautiful women, and Maitland Ward‘s basically naked cosplay.

“There’s no way they let her wear that! *breathes into bag* You can see her nipp– *passes out, crushes almost finished cardboard TARDIS replica*” – Everyone who misses the entire point of everything.

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Justin Bieber’s With Michelle Rodriquez Now

July 31st, 2014 // 24 Comments

Presumably because Zac Efron lacked too many of the soft, feminine features Michelle Rodriguez desires in a mate (Read: Vagina. He didn’t have a vagina.), here’s Justin Bieber partying with her in Ibiza yesterday because fucking with other people’s exes has been going great for him so far. Then again, TMZ says he’s actually there banging model Shanina Shaik, except that information can fuck itself because it won’t end with Cara Delevingne beating Justin Bieber down harder than Orlando Bloom ever could. Which is probably the most realistic scenario I’ve ever written on this site. You can print it out and hang it in the Smithsonian, and people will be like, “Yes, that occurred in our history. During Neil Armstrong’s moon walk. I remember it well.”

Photos: Xposure / AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Splash News

James Franco Tried To Get Stephen Colbert To Break Character, He Failed

July 31st, 2014 // 10 Comments
James Franco Colbert Report

I try not to post a lot of The Colbert Report clips because it’s way better written than anything you’ll ever see here, I mean, there’s no boobs. It doesn’t have boobs! *bangs table* TEE-ITS. But so far this week, he’s taken the piss out of Kim Kardashian, and now here he is completely rebuffing poetic ingenue/flatulence repurposer extraordinaire James Franco‘s attempt to get him to break character. Then again, a true conservative would’ve shot him in the face for brandishing homosexual ornaments, so well played, dicknose. Well played.

James Franco ‘The Colbert Report’ Interview After The Jump

Kate Upton Prayed To Be Curvy, She Can Stop Now

July 31st, 2014 // 19 Comments
Pay Attention To My Butt!
Kate Upton Butt Bikini
Kate Upton's More Than Breasts, You Guys Read More »

Kate Upton is the cover interview for Elle UK‘s August issue where she complains about how hard it is being pretty because if there’s anything us normies love it’s hearing about the struggles of being beautiful. Nothing but a smooth, easy, homely life for us. That’s our motto. Via Elle UK:

“Living on a farm, beauty doesn’t get you anywhere. Because I was pretty didn’t mean I could convince my sister to do my chores. It was kind of inconvenient to be pretty, growing up.”

But then Kate prayed to God for curves and soon she was unburdened with the grueling life of being a beautiful, skinny blonde in the south. Why, no one’s ever had it so bad there:

‘When I first started modelling, I was a normal catalogue model,’ Kate explains in the accompanying interview, speaking about her stratospheric rise to fame – with that body.
‘Then, I became a woman, and I was really excited about becoming a woman. Because I’m from Florida, it’s all about being in bathing suits. It’s a different view of beauty there. You are ugly if you don’t have a curvy body. And I didn’t have one, and then I got one, and thought, “Yessss!”
‘And then people say: “Oh, wow, you’re healthy.”
‘And you’re like, “Wait – what? I’ve been begging for this body my whole life!”’

In Kate Upton’s defense, her breasts are huge. However, the rest of her body is also going that route, so I dunno, maybe tell God He can slow it down now. But break it to Him gently, He’s got kind of temper. Try not to provoke Him, is all I’m saying. I’m getting suspended, aren’t I? Goddammit.

Photos: AKM-GSI, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Martha Stewart Has A Drone

July 31st, 2014 // 7 Comments
Martha Stewart
Never Forget
Martha Stewart Gwyneth Paltrow
Martha Stewart Pees With The Door Open Read More »

Martha Stewart made assloads of headlines earlier in the week by calling Blake Lively‘s website “stupid,”, yet hardly anybody’s paying attention to the love letter Martha Stewart wrote to her drone in Time magazine. Yup, that’s right. Martha Stewart has a drone. A fucking drone. And not only does she have a drone, she practically wants to marry it:

In just a few minutes I was hooked. In near silence, the drone rose, hovered, and dove, silently and surreptitiously photographing us and the landscape around us. The photos and video were stunning. By assuming unusual vantage points, the drone allowed me to “see” so much more of my surroundings than usual. The view I was “seeing” on my iPad with the help of the drone would have otherwise been impossible without the use of a private plane, helicopter, or balloon. With any of those vehicles, I would have needed a telephoto lens, and all of them would have made an unacceptable commotion on the beach. What’s more, I would not have been in the photos!

While Martha is fully aware of the controversy surrounding drones, hers takes such lovely photos of the cutting gardens, so maybe its time to talk about why your child’s school would be the perfect spot for a new horse paddock. She understands there was some unfortunate business there. What was it? A missile strike? Awful, just awful. Who would do such a thing? Now, if you’ll just look at these plans she drew up…

Photo: Getty

Who Ordered The Flapjacks?

July 31st, 2014 // 47 Comments

At Larry’s Blue Star Truck Stop Cafe we pride ourselves on giving customers friendly down home cooking served by familiar faces that feel like kin. Which is why Lulubel here has been serving up hash browns since 1986 when she started working with us at the ripe, young age of 27. She might smoke a little too much and wear a swimsuit she ain’t got no business being in, but well, the customers seem to awfully like her. Especially the men. They’re always leaving her generous tips and meeting her outback near the restrooms to talk. Probably about life on the road and the such. We find it best to never go back there or ask questions. Anyway, Larry’s Blue Star Truck Stop Cafe: Roll on in where you’re family.

Photos: CordonPress / Xposure / AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Justin Bieber’s Still F*cking With Orlando Bloom

July 30th, 2014 // 39 Comments
It Was About Miranda Kerr
Miranda Kerr Nude GQ British
That's The Mother of Legolas' Child, Punk Read More »

catwolf9899‘s good people.

Justin Bieber is a little bitch. Which is really all the introduction I need here, but just in case, here are new details from his brush-up with Orlando Bloom that, just like earlier accounts, still involve him making a smartass remark about Miranda Kerr only this time there’s a cameo from Leonardo DiCaprio who amazingly didn’t Krav Maga the little bastard. Then again, poison has always been Leo’s game… Us Magazine reports:

“Bieber went to say ‘Hi’ to Leonardo DiCaprio,” an eyewitness tells Us. “Leo was sitting next to Orlando. Bieber reached out his hand to shake Orlando’s hand and Orlando just looked at him and avoided him.”
After getting snubbed by the 37-year-old Pirates of the Caribbean actor, the “Boyfriend” singer, 20, blurted to Bloom, according to the source, “Tell Miranda ‘What’s up.’” …
Bloom apparently did not appreciate Bieber’s comment, and took a swipe at the singer. “Bieber ducked the punch,” says another insider. “He didn’t get hit. Justin’s boys eventually jumped in and got him away.”

Since then, Bieber has posted another taunting photo on Instagram (above) except this one he’s actually leaving up because his bodyguards already checked under the bed for monsters and anyone who wants to give him an ouchie. He’s unstoppable now.

Photos: Splash News

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