Welcome to Wednesday’s The Crap We Missed that’s so full of good shit I don’t even have to make any jokes about the sensual Christmas massages Fish and I never, ever gave each other in an Applebee’s parking lot. We’ve got Jaden Smith looking jazzed *tips cap* to promote another movie his dad bought for him to star in, Bill Clinton with who I initially thought was Aaron Sorkin and now wonder who would be more offended by that mix-up, as well as Bryan Cranston expressing with his face more than I could ever say in words, but I’ll try anyway “Wow, what an annoying twat.” Then there’s Jenelle Evans‘ mugshot for the arrest that might finally teach her a less–HAHAHAHA! No, it won’t do anything like that and finally Billy Ray Cyrus wearing Travolta’s wig on his face.
I’ve done it, you guys, I’ve found the definitive there’s always a black guy saying it all with his eyes. I can die now,
- Photo Boy
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Photo: Bauer-Griffin, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INF, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN
UPDATE: It’s porn. She made actual porn.
Fresh off the heels of getting a DUI and pouring hot wax on a toddler’s face, Teen Mom star Farrah Abraham made a sex tape that’s currently being shopped around because we now live in a world where being Kim Kardashian is considered a career goal. Hey, Rick Warren’s son, wait up! TMZ reports:
According to sources who have seen the tape, Farrah and a male partner (possibly her ex-boyfriend) go at it for about 30 minutes … full-on sex … in various positions. We’re told it was recently shot.
Our sources say the person selling the tape has already shown it to some of the biggest XXX companies and is looking to make a deal.
Just so it’s clear Farrah’s selling the tape herself, here she is doing an ass horrible job pretending she’ll sue. Also, prepared to be shocked when she literally doesn’t know what the word “elaborate” means even though these Teen Moms are usually so smart it’s a miracle they haven’t cured cancer yet:
Video After The Jump
Welcome to Wednesday’s The Crap We Missed that’s basking in the warm after-glow of the news that Teen Mom might be going away forever. That’s right, adorably happy Peter Dinklage, today is a day for smiles. In that spirit, here’s an Ashley Greene pic that will make you forget all about that time her her crotch was disgustingly sweaty that I just reminded you about. We’ve also got Hugo Weaving in what has to be the classiest Axe commercial I’ve ever seen, Nick Nolte stalking a justifiably terrified pedestrian and I swear, I wasn’t going to keep harping on Jeremy Renner, but he really leaves me no choice. I’m just a man.
If you prick me, do I not giggle because I know that means penis?
- Photo Boy
Click Here To Start The Gallery
Photo: Bauer-Griffin, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFdaily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN
Since I just wrote an entire post blaming retarded white trash for the downfall of society, here’s Miley Cyrus proving that some of them aren’t all bad and actually do serve a purpose. Granted, that purpose is having remarkable asses and being all kinds of flexible which is probably why they keep getting pregnant, that’s not the point I’m trying to make here. Or was it? *looks at notes* Apparently all I have written down is a doodle of me in a coonskin cap throwing a hatchet at Liam Hemsworth. Haha! His eyes are little x’s.
Within the span of just one week, Teen Mom Jenelle Evans managed to sell the following stories to Radar/Star/National Enquirer (All the same company.):
- She’s pregnant.
- She’s getting a divorce.
- She’s having a miscarriage.
- She’s getting back with her ex that allegedly beat her because her current husband allegedly beats her.
And some, if not all of these things might not have even happened, but they sounded entirely believable because she’s retarded white trash from the south which we know thanks to MTV turning her into a reality star. A move that it now regrets which I didn’t even think was possible, so clearly a comet’s heading towards the Earth and only MTV knows about it. E! News reports: More »
MTV, above you’ll see a picture of your Teen Mom star Jenelle Evans with her ex-fiance Gary Head who she claims beat her but has now gone back to because she now claims her current husband Courtland Rogers also beat her and knocked up his ex shortly before knocking her up. And if you’re wondering why I’m bringing all this up to you, it’s because this is a person whose life you decided to glamorize the fuck out of by setting it to the latest pop music and acting like this horrible, horrible shit is romantic like Dawson’s Creek. So for the sake of our country, may I recommend you implement the following disclaimer before and after each commercial break if not in place of the entire show. I believe you’ll find it both practical and educational for the idiots who gobble this shit up: More »