50 Cent Is Tired Of These Motherf*ckin’ Masturbaters On This Motherf*ckin’ Internet!

September 27th, 2012 // 59 Comments
50 Cent

Because he’s a deeply religious man of God, 50 Cent took to Twitter yesterday where he informed his nearly 8 million followers that masturbating is a sin, so they should probably cut that shit out:

He later provided four easy steps to quit touching yourself which you can scope out over on Gawker, but before that, he provided spiritual and pious responses to fans that took issue with the man who wrote “Candy Shop” telling them to stop watching porn:

And my personal favorite:

Keep in mind, this is also the guy who couldn’t control his urges enough to not have sex with Chelsea Handler, so apparently I missed the part in The Bible where God gave his okay to bang gargoyle vagina out of wedlock as long as you’re not jerking it. Seems like an odd loophole, but then again, so is paying people to pretend a priest didn’t just rape their kid. His ways are not ours to understand.

superficial

  1. it had to be said

    How not to masturbate: think about sex with Chelsea Handler. And, done.

  2. Fitty’s—I feel so white when I say that—four-step plan to stop masturbating includes such innovations as don’t go to porn sites, don’t go to strip clubs, and don’t read porn mags, but my personal favorite is: “Step 2. Make a conscious decision not to turn your head after people walk by you.” In other words, “Staring at tits is okay, but scopin’ dat ass will only lead to trouble.”

  3. Savalas

    Masturbating to 50cent’s Twitter Feed is safer and more socially responsible than trying to have sex with it.

  4. Dick Hell

    So God likes to watch, huh? Kinky.

  5. Masturbation is a sin, ok. But being a motherfucking P.I.M.P. is ok in the eyes of the lord. Having sex out of wedlock is that alright. You can’t cherry pick the word of the lord. You’re either for it or you aren’t. Is being an asshole a sin?

    Like I’m gonna take moral advice form fucking 50 Cent. How’s about you keep your sanctimonious bullshit to yourself. Now if you’ll excuse me I have some porn to watch.

  6. USDA Prime McBeef

    If I can’t jerk off, I’ll probably end up shooting people five times.

    • That Bastard Tony

      Nine times Beef, nine times.

    • Cock Dr

      If the baby batter backs up people lose it. Foolish Fitty!

      • I know I get pissy when don’t get my release. Thankfully I have a computer and unlimited internet access.

        But think about the ridiculousness of this idea for a moment. An all-powerful deity who created the vast and endless universe, is concerned with you jerking off? Doesn’t he have bigger things to deal with? Isn’t it him who gave us our sexual urges? Bottom line is: god doesn’t exist, porn does and I will fap. End of story.

  7. The Right

    Just go have sex. See, no more masturbation.

  8. Did this religious freak bother to explain why “God” should have made our arms shorter so we couldn’t reach?

    I didn’t think so. Isn’t it time for him to be shot again? What’s it been–a couple years?

  9. Somebody needs to tell Fitty to stop spending so much time on chat roulette.

  10. 49 Cent

    If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.

  11. Mohawk Disco

    OK, at this point any sane publicist would tell him to just say his Twitter account was hacked to reduce him looking like a fuckin’ moron.

  12. Anastasia Beaverhausen

    Fuck you, Fiddy! You’re making me want to masturbate even more than I already do.

  13. Johnny P!

    What a wanker.

  14. Arlene

    HE starts speaking english coherently, then I”LL stop diddling myself. Until then, he needs to STFU.

  15. God is watching?? What a f*cking perv!

  16. Shoot him again

  17. YoMamma

    I’m not Lord of the Internet but doesn’t “LOL” usually indicate someone is joking?

    • it had to be said

      Don’t ruin the outrage with simple facts.

      • no it didn't

        So you like it when people overreact? What YoMamma said was a fact and it didn’t ruin anything. Pointless outrage. Like anyone who has heard of Candy Shop takes what this guy says seriously.

    • I’m not the Lord of the Internet either. But I play him on TV.

      LOL does mean the speaker’s joking… and somebody should explain that to Fitty. If you read the rest of his tweets you can see he’s more serious than joking.

  18. achilles wrath

    Me thinks he doth protest too much!

  19. “However, God is totally cool with you investing in terrible ideas that will make me rich. Instead of jerkin’ it, buy some of these penny stocks.”

  20. Masturbation is a sin? How very Catholic. Either way, I guess I’m fucked.

  21. Randal(l)

    Apparently we’re all just God’s personal chat roulette.

  22. anonym

    50 cent trying to sound like Mr. T.
    fool

  23. Bionic_Crouton

    Hey 50! Beat your dick or die trying!

    • Miranda Veracruz De La Hoya Cardenal

      Better yet, if he beats his own face, he’ll be too swollen to speak and Tweet. I’m gonna go with this option…

  24. Pat C.

    I’ll make a deal – if God will prevent children from getting incurable, painful diseases, I’ll stop masturbating.

  25. Chris

    What a jerk. 50 cent is more than he’s worth.
    Obviously is NOT a man of God.
    Obviously doesn’t know what the bible says.
    … and I don’t know why I’m wasting my time even responding.

  26. I think it’s more of a sin to perform at a 13 year old girls bah mitzvah for 500K when her father manufactured faulty equipment for the US military.

    http://www.nypost.com/p/news/national/item_YOwmAGCrVERbntaG5BN2XO

    http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/10295486/ns/today-entertainment/t/go-shorty-its-your-bat-mitzvah/#.UGU7prJmRNI

  27. Miranda Veracruz De La Hoya Cardenal

    Stop hating on our masturbating sessions, you turd!

  28. Jettastic

    Uhhh, didn’t Jesus DIE for our sins? Helloooo, might as well take advantage of that and pound the HELL outta that pud… lest his death would be in vain.

  29. The Royal Penis

    Why does everyone think the bible says bad things about masturbation? It doesn’t.

    If fitty wants to bitch about men spilling their seed than he should be proactive about solving the problem and open wide.

  30. He’s correct, masturbation is a very greivous sin. Let me direct you to the bible to open your eyes:

    Leviticus 19:28, “Do not cut your bodies for the dead, and do not mark your skin with tattoos. I am the Lord.”

    oh wait, that’s not the one…here:

    Leviticus 19:27 reads “You shall not cut the side-growth of your heads nor harm the edges of your beard.”

    oops, sorry…I’ll get this right, here’s the one:

    Leviticus 19:19: ” You shall not breed together two kinds of your cattle; you shall not sow your field with two kinds of seed, nor wear a garment upon you of two kinds of material mixed together.”

    Well, fuck..I can’t find it. But since 50 Cent doesn’t have any tattoos, doesn’t trim his beard, and doesn’t wear mixed fabrics, I’m willing to trust him on this one.

  31. Brandon

    How about 50 provides us with a verse? And Onan doesn’t work; his sin was pulling out, which is obvious if you read the the story. I knew that even at a very young age.

  32. Gabe Kaplan

    Just beat it -Michael Jackson

  33. Mama Pinkus

    8,000,000 fucking idiots

  34. 25Cent

    The ones who say not to are the ones who do it the most…

    Statistical Fact. 50c goes through a six pack of vasoline a week…

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