Archive for November, 2011

Lady GaGa Wants A Harvard Man With A Giant Penis

November 29th, 2011 // 58 Comments

“I’m talking this size, and his dad manages a hedge fund.”

In a recent interview with The Sun, Lady GaGa reveals exactly what she’s looking for her in a man:

“It ranges from a really big d-ck to a degree at Harvard.”

Which sounds reasonable until you realize her boyfriend Taylor Kinney is from goddamn Amish country and went to college at West Virginia University. So either he has a gigantic penis, or he does an incredible impression of a Harvard man. “Excuse me, my dear GaGa, I do believe it’s time to shovel the poor off the veranda. Hold my penis, so I won’t trip it over, won’t you? That’s a good lass. Ah, yes, this is just like rowing crew. Did you know we say ‘rowing crew’ at Harvard? Because we do in between inventing Facebook. True story.”

Photos: Fame, INFdaily, Splash News

Miley Cyrus Made A Song For Occupy Wall Street

November 29th, 2011 // 57 Comments

“Protesting is far out, man.”

Now that she’s officially been declared Sir Lady Smokes-A-Lot of Ganjingham Palace, Miley Cyrus has dedicated a song to all the hippies out there fighting The Man because if there’s anything anti-establishment hipsters love, it’s an auto-tuned house beat that seamlessly blends into whatever noises Britney Spears is making into a microphone these days. I can hear the PBR’s cracking open now. Via The LA Times:

The pop singer has released a video for the remix of “Liberty Walk” off her album “Can’t Be Tamed” composed entirely of footage from the various Occupy protests worldwide. Included are police beatings, things burning and lots of angry marching. It’s strong stuff from the girl once known as Hannah Montana.
The video was posted Saturday to her official YouTube channel and bears the dedication, “This is dedicated to the thousands of people who are standing up for what they believe in…”

And exactly as her label’s marketing department planned, Fox News’ entire audience immediately shat its Wranglers in response:

The video has predictably made Cyrus persona non grata in a number of households and stirred the ire of conservative media. Comments on her YouTube page include one from a dad who wrote, “Miley Cyrus is now banned from my house along with 30 other entertainment political wannabes. My kids are not allowed to have anything related to you or what you stand for…….and you know what? they actually said it to me that they lost interest in you and your cruddy music and movies and tv show…. Bah-bye Miley,…. you get no more of my hard earned money you one percenter liar.”

Setting aside the fact that the most bubble gum, corporate pop star who sat on the throne of a billion dollar merchandising franchise wants us to believe she’s suddenly an anti-greed, grassroots activist now, there is absolutely no way that dude’s kids went, “Miley Cyrus done hates capiterlism! Boycott her show, pappy.” Because if someone actually does listen to Miley Cyrus’ music, I have a newsflash for you, they’re 11. And if an 11-year-old is parsing pop music for Communist propaganda, I have another newsflash for you, you’ve raised a future Applebee’s district manager.

Okay, that was a bit harsh. Let’s go with serial killer, you’ve raised a serial killer. I got carried away back there.

“It’s A Liberty Walk!” Video After The Jump

The Crap We Missed – Monday 11.28.11

November 28th, 2011 // 4 Comments

Welcome to Monday’s The Crap We Missed featuring Jonah Hill reverting back to a size that doesn’t make me think science has gone too far, Michelle Bombshell making me rethink all that stuff about Jesse James because how don’t you stick your penis in that without a condom on, Mickey Rourke pre-homiciding someone with a wine bottle and Jesus Christ, LeAnn. Again with the tits?

Apparently my dreams of seducing Kelly Brook aren’t that delusional after all (Suck it, court-ordered therapist!),

- The Superficial

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photos: Fame, Flynet, INFdaily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN

Taylor Momsen Opened For Guns N’ Roses

November 28th, 2011 // 52 Comments

Apparently Guns N’ Roses is touring again (?) with Taylor Momsen‘s band The Pretty Reckless as the opening act, and I can’t tell who that’s a bigger insult to. Axl Rose for being reduced to touring with Cindy Lou Who and Her I Hate Daddy Orchestra, or Taylor Momsen for having to open for a guy who’s essentially homeless and wears corn rows. Seriously, she probably asked him how much he’s getting paid for this gig, and he responded by calling her Stephanie and punching her face. Which was an honest answer except he left out the part about a sandwich. He also gets a sandwich.

Photos: Splash News

Kate Gosselin Denies Getting A Facelift

November 28th, 2011 // 69 Comments
Blogging?
Kate Gosselin
That's Not a Real Job... Read More »

“And these are the ‘magic hands’ I use to make my kids disappear.
Ha! I’m kidding. There’s a .45 in my purse.”

Kate Gosselin has barely been at CouponCabin.com long enough to hang pictures of her mug all over the place, but she’s already using her new blogging “job” (I’m still in pajama pants and will be for the next three-four hours.) to shoot down Internet rumors that she got a facelift:

With all of the buzz about me having had a facelift, I will confirm that I have not had one (I am only 36!!!). But, I will take all of the talk about how rested and young I look as a compliment! So thanks!

While my first reaction is to insult Kate for signing each of her posts with “K8,” I actually have to compliment her for learning the first rule of blogging: “Always be lying your ass off.” For example, Courtney Stodden isn’t even real. I made all those pics using Photoshop and a Barbie doll filled with Fix-A-Flat. Ha! A 16-year-old with fake tits. You should’ve seen your faces.

Photos: Splash News

Courtney Stodden Is A Good Christian Woman

November 28th, 2011 // 86 Comments

What you’re looking at is sweet, innocent, God-fearing Courtney Stodden enjoying a fine Sunday full of church and some light afternoon shopping. And I was going to write a fictitious tweet about her wholesome day of worship and reverence, but after looking at her Twitter account from the past 48 hours, there’s absolutely no way I can top this shit:

Provocatively preparing my provokingly perky package for a pulsating night filled with puurfect party passion – meow ;)
Had such a satisfying Saturday night – Feeling ready to lock myself up, strip off my wear & bounce into a daring evening of erotic dreams…
Caressing the essence of Christmas with my flirty spirit as I festively dive into a sexy santa suit & jingle my bells to hot holiday hits!
Mr Santa Clause? If I let you seductively slide down my stalking & taste every piece of my candy… will I still be on your naughty list?

Christ. I’m pretty sure that last one counts as a sex crime. Alright, I’ll try one.

Had such a heavenly Sunday at church. I could feel Jesus rising up in me, pulsating my very spirit until my Jingle balls jangled juicily.

(Do child brides say “juicily?” I can’t keep up with these kids and all are their crazy fads. Get off my lawn.)

Photos: Pacific Coast News, Splash News