Archive for November, 2011

The Crap We Missed – Wednesday 11.30.11

November 30th, 2011 // 12 Comments

Welcome to Wednesday’s The Crap We Missed featuring Sinead O’Connor quests for The Difficult Brown inside The Matrix, Emily Blunt who can quest for The Difficult Brown in my basement lair whenever the hell she wants and Katie Holmes just swam away from a cruise ship after 12 years, and boy, are her arms tired.

Fun Fact: Jessica Simpson isn’t due until the spring,

- The Superficial

Click Here To Start The Gallery

[Ed. Note: Below are two bonus galleries of Kelly Brook and Kate Hudson we never got around to using, so why let them go to waste? Think of us like your grandmother trying to feed you leftovers, except those leftovers give you an erection you don't have to hide in shame. (It's like Christmas, already, I know.) - SW]

Bonus Galleries After The Jump

Courtney Love Is Lindsay Lohan’s Sober Coach

November 30th, 2011 // 41 Comments

If you’re wondering how Lindsay Lohan‘s sobriety is going, terrible. It’s going fucking terrible. Probably the worst you could possibly think of it going. Via Independent Woman:

Courtney Love has claimed she is Lindsay Lohan’s sobriety coach.
… “I’ve taken up Lohan because nobody else will. She’s further down the line than I was, because there was no [gossip website] TMZ then,” she told Details magazine.
Courtney didn’t reveal any more details of her relationship with Lindsay, and the younger star has not yet commented on the report.

Much like Charlie Sheen, I’ve pretty much reconciled myself with the fact that Lindsay Lohan will never die because God secretly loves drug addicts. But if there somehow is a way she can be killed, I’m pretty sure it’s going to be this. This should do it.

Photos: Splash News

January Jones’ Parents Don’t Know The Kid’s A Bastard, Do They? Awkward

November 30th, 2011 // 14 Comments
Won't Carry Her Baby
January Jones
Hands Too Beautiful For Bastards Read More »

I meant to post these earlier in the week, but I’ve still been in a state of shock after learning January Jones has actual parents and wasn’t chiseled from a glacier. Anyway, here are the Joneses spending time with their new little grandson Xander Dane over the holiday weekend where they had the incredible pleasure of pretending keeping a baby out of spite is adorable. “Now, dear, your mother and I might not be happy about the way you went about this, but the important thing is that – Wait, you’re not carrying the kid around in public, are you? Okay, good. – the important thing is that we love you even though this was really the most trampy thing you could’ve possibly done. I mean, keeping a married man’s baby? Jesus, we’d almost prefer you told us you’re a lesbian. Almost.”

Photos: Bauer-Griffin, Flynet

Tom Cruise’s Religion ‘Imprisoned’ A Woman On A Cruise Ship For 12 Years

November 30th, 2011 // 63 Comments
The Uterus Cannon
Michelle Duggar
Meanwhile, In Christianity News... Read More »

Earlier in the year, Scientology, a.k.a. Tom Cruise‘s Space Magic, has been plagued by reports of using its members for slave labor, and now comes a report from a woman who claims she was imprisoned on a cruise ship by head Thetan-sucker David Miscaviage for 12 years after her parents tried to leave the church. Via Yahoo! News:

“I was basically hauled in and told that my mum had attacked the church and that I needed to disconnect from her because she was suppressive,” she said. “He decided the ship, and I found out two hours before my plane left, I was woken up in the morning and I was sent to the ship for ‘two weeks.’ “
Paris was born into a Scientology family, but her mother quit the group after her husband committed suicide, blaming Scientology for coercing him out of a self-made personal fortune of more than a million dollars.
Instead of the promised two week stay, Paris found herself unable to leave the ship without an official Scientology escort and was often forced into hard labor on the lower levels of the ship for stretches as long as two full days. “It’s hot, it’s extremely loud, it’s smelly, it’s not nice. I was sent down there at first for 48 hours straight on almost no sleep and I had to work by myself,” she said.
So, why didn’t Paris simply escape from the ship when it would take port? The Freewinds has a relatively small sailing route, traveling throughout the Caribbean and occasionally docking at small islands.
“I did not want to be there, I made it clear I did not want to be there and that was considered bad ethics, meaning it was considered not right,” she said. “They take your passport when you go on the ship and you’re in the middle of an island. So it’s a bit hard [to escape] and by that time I was 18, I’d been in Scientology my whole life, it’s not like I knew how to escape,” she said.

When reached for comment, Tom Cruise simply muttered, “Swimming lessons for Suri, huh?,” before angrily hopping a bee to Smurf Village.

Photos: Splash News

Those PETA Stamps Sure Look Prestigious

November 30th, 2011 // 68 Comments
Why PETA Must Die
Kelly Brook PETA
A Crime Against Nature Read More »

There was a big to-do earlier in the month over Natalie Portman being featured on a new PETA postage stamp, so here’s Pamela Anderson who also has her own PETA stamp taking the prestige entirely out of that accomplishment. And if you’re asking yourself, did she walk around pretending to lick a really giant stamp? She walked around pretending to lick a really giant stamp because apparently rampant, widespread hepatitis saves those animals. Who the fuck knows? On that note, if you think Pamela is the most embarrassing part of this whole production, I included the full celebrity stamp sheet after the jump, and one look at the bottom row should really tell you everything you need to know about PETA, if not prompt you to weave a new jacket entirely out of fresh veal.

Full PETA Stamp Sheet After The Jump

Charlie And The Cocaine Factory

November 30th, 2011 // 17 Comments

For those of you who wisely stopped paying attention to Charlie Sheen after realizing “Winning!” was more of a manic tic from hooker murder than an actual catchphrase, he’s in Colombia right now which should probably concern anyone even remotely concerned with the availability of cocaine which he swears isn’t the sole purpose of this trip if not his very being. TMZ reports:

As we previously reported, Sheen’s currently traveling around the country with a camera crew — and now, the Warlock tells TMZ it’s all part of an effort to remake a classic movie from the 70s, set in South America.
Sheen won’t disclose what the movie’s about — but claims he’s already reached out to Nicolas Cage about starring in the film.

When asked to describe the movie, Charlie simply told us … “Epic.”

So let me get this straight: Charlie Sheen claims he’s in Colombia researching a movie that’s going to star Nicolas Cage yet somehow be “epic.” Jesus Christ. I don’t think he could’ve sounded more like he’s down there making villagers bring him wicker basket after wicker basket full of blow at machine gun-point if he literally said, “I’m down here making villagers bring me wicker basket after wicker basket full of blow at machine gun-point.” It’d just sound too forced.

Photos: Splash News

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Next »