Archive for May, 2011

Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez Had Sex Last Night

May 27th, 2011 // 278 Comments

And possibly right now.

Here’s a very affectionate Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez continuing their Hawaiian vacation in Maui yesterday, and if this doesn’t look like a kid who got laid last night, I don’t know how else you explain this photo of them playing pat-a-cake. Show me a couple who doesn’t do that first thing in the morning after having heterosexual intercourse and I’ll show you two liars lying their lying faces off.

Photo: Flynet, Splash News

Charlie Sheen’s Finally Getting His Porn House

May 27th, 2011 // 37 Comments

He can barely contain himself.

Because cocaine told him there’s no way a live show wouldn’t reap him $100 bajillion, Charlie Sheen‘s Beverly Hills mansion is up for sale. Except within 24 hours of hit going on the market, it’s already got a bidder, according to TMZ:

Sources connected to the deal tell us … the bigwigs at YouPorn.com approached Sheen’s realtor with an offer to buy the place for $4.5 million in cash …. WAY lower than Sheen’s listing price, $7.2 mil.
We’re told the YouPorn people have told Sheen’s people they hope to fulfill Sheen’s dream of moving in several porn stars to live at the mansion. The YouPorn peeps told the realtor if Sheen accepts the deal, he can hang out at the porno compound as much as he wants.

I like how YouPorn even bothered offering him cash. Are they looking for a tax write-off or something? Because I’m pretty sure this deal could’ve down much easier.

YOUPORN: Sign over the deed to your house, and we’ll let you watch us make porn.
CHARLIE: Will the girls have horrific looking vaginas?
YOUPORN: Some.
CHARLIE: I like those odds. Sold!

Photos: Splash News

Kim Kardashian’s Wedding Will Be Televised. Of Course.

May 27th, 2011 // 67 Comments

Because the holy union between man and woman should be a sacred and intimate event, forever intertwining two lives in the eyes of God, it only makes sense that Kris Jenner is taking bids on airing Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries‘ wedding which was, of course, the entire point of their engagement once everyone realized Khloe‘s Sasquatch uterus couldn’t produce a human child in time for next season. E! News reports:

“This is the thing, one of the biggest joys in my life is the fact that we have Khloé and Lamar’s experience on E! They filmed it and every time I watch that, I cry.”
To which Kourtney dead-pan/sassed, “Boo-hoo.”
“I went through it so quickly,” the matriarch with a huge-ass rock continued, ignoring her spawn who was sitting next to the sis with the equally huge-ass rock. “And so fast and furious, you don’t stop and take the little mental snapshots.”
And thus sparked another classic clash of the Kardashes:
Khloé: “You gotta stop with the fast and the furious comment.”
Kourtney: “Yes! I’m over it!”
Khloé: “Like, if you say that in another interview, there’s other adjectives you could use.”
Kris: “There’s none in my vocabulary.”

You kind of get the impression that Kourtney‘s not exactly thrilled to be the unmarried sister, but then you realize she’s also the smart one (I measure intelligence in fake breast having.) who knows that a marriage to Scott Disick would only end with a nailgun to the head after she ordered the wrong business cards. “I specifically said, off-white with a watermark. And you call this weight tasteful?!” *grabs chainsaw*

Photos: Getty

The Crap We Missed – Thursday 5.26.11

May 26th, 2011 // 42 Comments

Welcome to The Crap We Missed, our daily roundup of photos not worthy of an entire post, yet chock-full of valuable life lessons. For example, who knew that in Florence when you buy a handbag it comes with a free suitcase filled with pickles and mustache wax? Also, whoever said drug addicts have poor motor skills has obviously never seen one on stilts. But seriously though, drugs are bad. Really, really bad. Not counting the times they give you a giant penis.

I hope you’ve learned a lesson here today,

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: Flynet, Getty, INFdaily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN

January Jones Probably Has Matthew Vaughn’s Baby in Her

May 26th, 2011 // 63 Comments

It’s starting to become more and more likely that X-Men: First Class director Matthew Vaughn cheated on his wife Claudia Schiffer by sticking a baby in January Jones who kept it for reasons we’re still not sure of, but early speculation points to she’s a bitch. Anyway, apparently Matthew and Claudia bailed on a Beverly Hills house they were renting immediately after the baby was announced, and now come reports that Matthew and January had an “odd” and “very close” relationship on set which everyone knows is industry talk for wiener touching. On top of that, Fox suddenly decided not to have a premiere (Last night’s event was just a screening. My bad.) for their major tentpole film from a massively successful franchise. Because studios do that. E! News reports:

Both the Vaughn/Schiffer rep, as well as another production source (Fox, which is releasing the sequel, would not comment) said there would be no X-Men premiere, other than a “cast screening” in New York, which took place yesterday—January, among several other cast members, did show for the screening.
But the rep tells us Matthew could not attend the New York screening because of a “severe” case of tonsillitis.
Miraculously, though, Mr. Vaughn still seemed quite the chatty Cathy for X-Men interviews on the same day. His health seemed to be in tip-top shape, as the Brits would say.
Also healthy was Vaughn’s time spent with Jones on set, say our X-Men insiders. Multiple sources from the set insist Jones and Vaughn were “very close” throughout shooting, as we have stated.

Awesome. Now Matthew Vaughn gets to explain to supermodel Claudia Schiffer why he put a baby in a frigid television actress then figured she’d just get an abortion as a solid after he broke off the relationship because he didn’t love her enough to leave his wife. You’d just assume something like that would go smoothly.

UPDATE: Apparently E! has pulled this story, so either they hit too close to home, or it’s time to start writing blind items about Kevin Bacon being the dad: “Sources say he ‘Footloose’d’ his sperm into her vagina, but we can’t say for certain if the father also ‘came’ with eggs and home fries.”

Photos: Splash News

Maria Shriver Didn’t Have Enough Sex With Arnold

May 26th, 2011 // 74 Comments

“Do naht hate da playah, hate da game.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger reportedly used to complain that Maria Shriver didn’t have enough sex with him which seems like a weird reason to make yourself the target of a massive criminal investigation considering she looks like the goddamn Predator. And, yes, you read that right, Maria has spiked mandibles Arnold’s under investigation for allegedly using the California Highway Patrol to help him bang chicks. RadarOnline reports:

Veteran hotel security officer William Taylor said he witnessed the “Governator” using California Highway Patrol (CHP) officers and vehicles to ferry scantily-clad women in-and-out of his suite at the Sacramento Hyatt Regency where he and wife Maria Shriver often stayed.
“It makes me very angry just to think of what was going on at that time,” Taylor, who passed a polygraph test about his claims, told the latest edition of the National Enquirer.
“On three differed occasions after the governor arrived alone at the Hyatt Regency, CHP Dignitary Protection Services arrived in their official vehicles, black Ford Crown Victoria sedans – about one to two hours later with one or two young females.
“They’d hurriedly escort the women through the service entrance on the second floor parking garage to the elevator that went to the governor’s private wing… the women would usually stay for two to four hours and either leave through the hotel’s main entrance or be driven away by the CHP in the same official vehicles.”

And before everyone jumps in with, “Hey, John Edwards is under investigation, too, commie,” you’re right, he is, but that still doesn’t make either one of them less of a hornball idiot who thought they could get away with it. That said, it’s nice to see Republicans and Democrats finally find some common ground albeit using whatever’s at their disposable to pretend other people are the fathers of their illegitimate love children. I really believe we can find some healing there.

REPUBLICAN: So… sticking your dick in things you shouldn’t is kind of fun, isn’t it?
DEMOCRATS: Yes, I suppose it is.
REPUBLICAN: *sticks out hand* Friends.
DEMOCRATS: *shakes hand* Friends.

♫ Oh, say, can you see, by the dawn’s early light… ♫

Photos: Splash News