“Guess which one of us ain’t on the party plane. SHEEN-SASSIN’D.”

Before we delve into Part Two of “Charlie Sheen Remembered Coke’s His Oxygen Again,” here’s a quick update on why Brooke Mueller was suspiciously missing from his in-flight interview with Alex Jones: Charlie kicked her off the plane. Whether that means literally or they actually landed and dropped her off at an airport is virtually a coin toss at this point. RadarOnline reports:

“There was a whole firestorm yesterday about Brooke being part of our crew and let me just say this, this is all I’m going to say about it. where there were four there are now three,” Sheen said. “Goodbye Brooke. Good luck in your travels. You’re going to need it badly.”
Alex Jones then asked: “So Brooke did go alone with you but she’s not there now?”
Sheen: “No she’s not here now. And we are. I don’t know winning anyone. Rhymes with winning. Yeah that would be us. Sorry, didn’t make the rules.”

“Ginning?” Are they drinking gin? I don’t get it. Anyway, Charlie decided to follow up his drug-addicted manifesto to Alex Jones with a call to TMZ where he proceeded to challenge Two and a Half men creator Chuck Lorre to a fight “in the Octagon”:

“If he wins, then he can leave MY show!”
Charlie said, “I violently hate Chaim Levine (Chuck Lorre). He’s a stupid, stupid little man and a p**sy punk that I’d never want to be like.” Charlie adds, “That’s me being polite.”
“All these guys told me to ‘clean it up.’ Well this is me cleaning it the f**k up. … That piece of s**t [Lorre] took money out of my pocket, my family’s pocket, and, most importantly, my second family — my crew’s pocket.”
Charlie adds, “You can tell him [Lorre] one thing. I own him.”

Wow, that’s not at all the egomaniacal rantings of a man who just told a porn star at gun point to pour coke directly into his eyes. He sounds entirely sober. But on a realistic note, explain to me – in people logic – how pulling the show off the air puts money into his “family’s” pockets because that’s exactly what Charlie Sheen just did. And if it isn’t, then he truly is Jesus Christ and maybe all that talk of Him knocking up a hooker wasn’t so crazy after all. It’s a good day to be Dan Brown.

UPDATE: And here’s the official CBS statement:

Based on the totality of Charlie Sheen’s statements, conduct and condition, CBS and Warner Bros. Television have decided to discontinue production of “Two and a Half Men” for the remainder of the season.”

Photo: Getty