Archive for January, 2011

Charlie Sheen Pretends to Need Rehab, Calls Us All ‘Turds’

January 28th, 2011 // 80 Comments
Charlie Sheen

“Addiction? Is that even a word?”

For those of you who haven’t heard by now, Charlie Sheen managed to check himself into rehab sometime between me publishing the “Porn Family” post and transitioning to Miller Time which is incredible considering that’s only a 30-second window. – Quick aside: Why create a “Vortex Bottle” if one sip’s not going to instantly teleport me to a parallel universe of shitfacery? It just seems superfluous. – Now, if you think this latest stint is anything but a calculated effort to shut Martin Sheen up while making Warner Bros., who’s officially put Two and Half Men on hiatus, not look like they’re funding the world’s largest coke addict, congratulations, you’re on your way to an exciting career falling for pyramid schemes. Here’s the text Charlie sent RadarOnline as he was entering rehab, and you can almost chop the sincerity into fine lines and inhale it directly into your face:

“I’m fine,” Sheen told RadarOnline’s Senior Executive Editor Dylan Howard via text message on Friday afternoon around the same time it was announced he was checking into rehab.
“People don’t seem to get it…. Guy can’t have a great time and do his job also?”
The Two and a Half Men star finished the text with a characterization of his detractors: “Bunch of turds.”

In a way, Charlie Sheen asks a valid question: What’s it to us? Because, in all seriousness, it’s between him and Denise Richards to decide how much he’s going to psychologically damage his kids. Which will be a lot. And it’s between him and the police to decide whether he’s going to jail for buying large quantities of narcotics while soliciting hookers. Which he won’t. And it’s between him and Warner Bros. to figure out how much money they want to keep making by continuing to cast him. Which will be an assload. So is his drug use really hurting us? Because outside of potentially taking out half the porn industry should his Hooker House catch fire, we really don’t have a dog in this race. Now, does that make us turds? I don’t think so. More like shitheads who want to voyeuristically watch a man die in a hale of coke and pussy before he kills an innocent woman. Has a better ring to it.

Photo: Splash News

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Charlie Sheen Wants a ‘Porn Family’

January 28th, 2011 // 60 Comments
Charlie Sheen Norman Rockwell Porn Family

The turkey’s his penis.

Some people might say Charlie Sheen is a violent drug addict who treats woman as objects to be bought and discarded like so many briefcases of cocaine. But beneath all that lies a family man with hopes and dreams of settling down and finding a place to call home with those he loves the most. A place like Vanna White’s ex-husband’s estate which would make a fine summer home to put down roots in provided put down roots means bang porn stars he keeps locked in a bedroom. I’ve never been good at idioms. TMZ reports:

During the [36 hour] boozefest, Charlie agreed to rent out George’s giant estate for four months — at the rate of $250k per month — while George goes away on an upcoming trip to Thailand.
And why does Sheen need an extra mansion? Charlie explained that he wants to start a “porn family” — and he wants the “actresses” to all live in the same house. One big, smutty family.
The next morning, Sheen’s people found out about the deal and were “furious” — and immediately put a stop to the plans.

You know who has to feel awesome right now? The executive at Warner Bros. who agreed to pay Charlie $1.8 million per episode of Two and a Half Men thinking he’d just invest it in mutual funds or something.

EXEC #1: So we gave Charlie Sheen more money than Jesus. What could go wrong?
EXEC #2: He bought a mansion for the sole purpose of filling it with hookers.
EXEC #1: Well, he’s off the drugs, isn’t he?
EXEC #2: *points out window* See that tanker coming into port? Entirely full of cocaine, just for him. And, oh, wait, he’s choppering on to it already… Getting out of the chopper… Jackhammering through the hull… And we have coke snorting! Like watching an anteater, isn’t it? A thin, whore-loving anteater. That’ll shoot you in the leg.
EXEC #1: My God, what have I done?
EXEC #2: Hold that thought. The Pentagon’s on Line 1 asking why Colombia can afford nukes now. You, uh.. you should probably leave the country.

Photo: Norman Rockwell. As he originally intended it.

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Diddy ‘Knocked Down’ The Twin Towers. Also, Babies.

January 28th, 2011 // 53 Comments
Diddy

In probably the greatest lawsuit since U.S. Fudge Consortium vs. Homophobic Slants, Inc., Diddy is being sued for $900 billion worth of child support by a woman who claims he not only “knocked down” the Twin Towers on 9/11, but gang-raped her children over a casino chip worth “100 zillion dollars,” so we should probably hear her out. RadarOnline reports:

“[Diddy] went through Kim Porter and Rodney King and knocked down the WTC and then they all came and knocked my children down. Set me up to be on disability and disabled my baby. he put my baby in a wheelchair.”
“He date raped me 24 years ago and knocked me down him and Kim Porter and Wallace Wright, then Sean Combs and Kim and Wallace Wright came back 18 years later and raped and sexually abused my children and knocked my children down and crushed me and my children daily.
“Plus I won a lot of money at the casino in Mississippi and Sean P. Diddy Combs has my chip to my money. I heard he gave it to Gwen Allen to hold but she can not cash it in. I want my chip please help me. it’s well worth over 100 zillions of dollars, and my hospital keys. They put me and my baby in the hospital and broke my baby 2 legs and sexual assaulted my children and crushed us.”

Is Michele Bachmann missing a speech writer? Because I think we just found her and she’s confused Obama with Diddy again. Then again, who hasn’t? Amirite? Eh? *holds up hand for high-five* Anyone? Ah, you guys are just messing with me. Let’s get some ‘za.

Photo: Getty

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Courtney Love: The Other White Addict and Other News

January 28th, 2011 // 46 Comments
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(Apparently someone just found out bars don’t serve heroin.)

- Did Ryan Murphy accuse the NFL of gay-bashing, too? [Popeater]

- Kate Walsh : Bristol Palin :: Luke Skywalker : Death Star. (That’s possibly to scale.) [Dlisted]

- Howard Stern took Carrie Underwood‘s seats. Life is hard. [Lainey Gossip]

- Geri Halliwell is like a fine wine. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Chloe Sevigny is naked again. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

- Alcide might be Superman. [IDLYITW]

- Jessica Simpson normally doesn’t get that drunk, you guys. Honest. [Celebslam]

- Kim Kardashian is still talking about that sex tape she’s so upset about leaking herself. [Amy Grindhouse]

- Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell get to meet another of Kate Hudson‘s boyfriend. And, oh, look, this one put a baby in her. How.. adorable. [PopSugar]

- theCHIVE has sexy readers. [theCHIVE]

- Minka Kelly vs. Brooklyn Decker: The Movie [Bleacher Report]

- Olivia Munn’s Controversial Groin: Behind the Scenes [Maxim]

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Photos: Pacific Coast News

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Jeremy Piven Banged Miley Cyrus

January 28th, 2011 // 38 Comments
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Miley Cyrus Jeremy Piven
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Nope. No one thinking about rape here.

Jeremy Piven recently gushed to E! News about how great it is to work with Miley Cyrus, yet somehow nobody besides me has jumped to the obvious, if not the only possible conclusion that he banged her in front of a cell phone. No, really, all the pieces are here once you look past the part where Jeremy Piven admits he’s a teenage girl trapped in a man’s body. That… that I can’t explain:

“I think I must be an 18-year-old girl because we got along really well,” Piven told me while promoting his new drama I Melt With You at the Sundance Film Festival’s Bing Bar. “It was just so much fun. I had so much fun with her and we had great chemistry. It was really really weird—we’re like polar opposites.”
As for the Miley haters, Piven’s got her back. “You know, you can judge her, but what were you doing when you were 18?” he said. “She’s kind of amazing. There’s something so incredibly refreshing about someone who is exactly who they are. There’s nothing pretentious about her. She’s this force. She loves to laugh.”

Actually, I will judge. Because you know what I wasn’t doing at 18? Having sex with Jeremy Piven while my dad watched. — I think.

*checks diary* Goddammit.

Photos:Flynet, Splash News

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Tracy Morgan On Sarah Palin

January 28th, 2011 // 68 Comments
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“As long as she got them six diff’rent kinds of cheeses…”

Tracy Morgan appeared on TNT’s Inside the NBA last night where Charles Barkley thought it’d be a great idea to ask him what he thought about Sarah Palin which prompted the following response. On live television:

“Let me tell you something about Sarah Palin, man, she’s good masturbation material. Glasses and all that. Great masturbation material.”

TNT has since apologized for Tracy’s remarks even though they should apologize for Ernie Johnson who killed the joke dead by acting like it didn’t just happen. Now I’m not saying that ’cause he’s white. I’m just saying it because everyone else was black and therefore stereotypically hilarious. Race has nothing to do with it.

Video After The Jump

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