Archive for November, 2010

This Was Almost John Mayer

November 30th, 2010 // 53 Comments

Further proving Katy Perry seeks out man-whores to convert them to Christ, once upon a time during the 2009 VMAs, John Mayer almost came between those Katy and Russell Brand. Which still makes this a semen joke. E! News reports:

“They’d never met in person, and she went to meet him there after she was at a Jay-Z concert at Madison Square Garden,” a source close to Mayer tells E! News.
Mayer had joined Jay-Z at MSG for a performance and afterward asked fellow showgoer Perry to meet up later that night.
“John thought she was so hot and fun and was into her,” the insider recounts.
“They were so flirty and all over each other that night at the bar, they really liked each other. Their personalities just clicked and they were flirting and dancing and it was on.”
And how. They stayed at the bar until late, leaving only moments apart from the downtown bar—conveniently just around the corner from Mayer’s love nest.
The next day, which happened to be the VMAs, the two traded more texts. But before their relationship could blossom any further, enter Brand.

And we all know how that story ended: With Justin Bieber three-ways. But, seriously, how pissed must John Mayer have been after that? Because I’m pretty sure I would’ve shot up a McDonald’s. You don’t just promise a man giant breasts like that then go screw an Englishman. That’s called treason.

Photo: Getty

Madonna Still Walks Among The Living and Other News

November 30th, 2010 // 45 Comments

- Kim Kardashian wanted her breasts to stop growing because she’s the Devil. [Popeater]

- Johnny Depp has a lot of stuff to say. [Dlisted]

- Gwyneth Paltrow is now Team Aniston. [Lainey Gossip]

- Sofia Vergara still has really awesome breasts. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

- Mila Kunis is the Anti-Madonna. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Evelyn Lozada made a smart move with Ochocinco. [Bossip]

- Khloe Kardashian regrets losing her virginity at 14. That grizzly bear never truly loved her. [Starpulse]

- Ashley Greene takes her cleavage to the gym. [Popoholic]

- Angelina Jolie, or a convincing argument I should move to the Ukraine? [theCHIVE]

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Photos: Splash News

Irina Shayk in GQ Spain

November 30th, 2010 // 51 Comments

For those of you foolish enough to read the words down here, this is Russian model Irina Shayk posing for the December issue of GQ Spain. She’s also the girlfriend of Portuguese soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo despite the fact he’s had sex with Paris Hilton, and was successfully sued in a paternity suit while dating Irina. So, basically she’s gullible which, to me, just adds to the fantasy.

IRINA: Vhy have you not taken out garvage?
ME: …. I’m my evil twin.
IRINA: Forgive me. I’m so sorry.
ME: Honest mistake.

(And I’m aroused.)

UPDATE: And now I’m not. According to The HuffPo, GQ allegedly Photoshopped some of the images to make Irina look nude without her consent. *looks down* And we’re back.

Photos: GQ Spain

Lindsay Lohan Wants Restraining Order Against The Entire Paparazzi

November 30th, 2010 // 23 Comments

Despite the fact she angled her “Sober Shine Award” just so they’d see it this morning, Lindsay Lohan is demanding her lawyer file a restraining order against every single paparazzi after they cost her her driving privileges. TMZ reports:

The L.A. County Probation Department — along with the DMV — have given Lindsay the green light to drive again. And Betty Ford was down with it as well.
But sources involved in the decision tell TMZ … just when Lindsay was supposed the get the keys, Betty Ford decided it was too much of a safety risk to put Lindsay behind the wheel, because the paparazzi were creating an unsafe driving situation.
We’re told Lindsay emailed her lawyer this weekend — with pictures attached showing the paps following her — asking the attorney to go to court for the restraining order.

So, basically the very same paparazzi Lindsay called to follow her around just cost her her driver’s license by, well, following her around. Ha! This couldn’t be more hilarious if her dad killed her then stole her identity after she let him back into her life.

I’m just saying things I want to happen out loud again, aren’t I? Sorry ’bout that.

Photos: Fame, Splash News

Ochocinco is Engaged. Also, Naked.

November 30th, 2010 // 45 Comments

I’m all kinds of confusing today.

In a double-whammy to Kim Kardashian, NFL superstar Chad Ochocinco not only hates fur, but just took himself off the market by announcing his engagement this morning. Us Magazine reports:

He announced that he is engaged to model Evelyn Lozada on Ryan Seacrest’s KIIS FM radio show Tuesday.
“Yeah, man … It’s time for me to sit down,” he said after being asked about the rumors. “Enough is enough. I’m 32, you know, my days are over.”
He said he knows Lozada — who’s been sporting a 10-carat ring from Jason Beverly Hills — was The One.

Normally, I don’t endorse marriage, but considering this is a man who wisely suggested dating “a black dude” would cure Lindsay Lohan, I’m going to assume he knows what he’s doing. Clearly, a higher mind is at work here.

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Photo: PETA

Leighton Meester Dressed Like a Dude

November 30th, 2010 // 47 Comments

Because you can’t seem to get enough of her despite the fact she’s lacking a certain magnifique boulon-ons of say, I dunno, Blake Lively, here’s Leighton Meester at the Gotham Independent Film Awards last night where she decided to wear a suit and tie to sexually confuse me. I say sexually confuse because I have to admit she does have a prettier face than Blake once you get past the constant bags under her eyes. Jesus, lady, you’re an actress. How hard can your day be? “Oh my God, you guys, I had to play pretend for a few hours, then took a nap in my trailer. I thought I was gonna die.”

Then again, she is in that movie where we’re expected to believe Gwyneth Paltrow is an alcoholic country singer who doesn’t use doilies, so I could see how that might suck the life out of someone. She probably aged five years just hearing about Cornish hens.

Photos: Splash News

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