Archive for October, 2010

Gargoyle Man: ‘I’m Not Dating Christina Aguilera’

October 27th, 2010 // 47 Comments
Christina Aguilera at the SLA Hotel
Christina Aguilera at the SLA Hotel
Christina Aguilera at the SLA Hotel
Christina Aguilera at the SLA Hotel
Christina Aguilera at the SLA Hotel
Christina Aguilera at the SLA Hotel
Christina Aguilera at the SLA Hotel
Christina Aguilera at the SLA Hotel
Christina Aguilera at the SLA Hotel
View the Gallery / 14 Photos »

Seen here letting everyone know being married to a Mole-Person didn’t leave her with claws suited for subterranean burrowing, Christina Aguilera is not dating Samantha Ronson who just denied the rumors to TMZ this afternoon. Of course, this means one thing and one thing only: Christina Aguilera hates getting oral sex. Frankly, I didn’t think they still made women like that – outside of my ex who, in her defense, was dead inside – which makes me wonder what other mysteries of the human body exist out there. A barking man? Flipper children? Black people who aren’t good at sports? My God, the possibilities are endless…

Photos: Fame, Splash News

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Taylor Momsen Understand She’s Only Taylor Momsen, Right?

October 27th, 2010 // 72 Comments
Taylor Momsen at The Roxy
Taylor Momsen at The Roxy
Taylor Momsen at The Roxy
Taylor Momsen at The Roxy
Taylor Momsen at The Roxy
Taylor Momsen at The Roxy
Taylor Momsen at The Roxy
Taylor Momsen at The Roxy
Taylor Momsen at The Roxy
View the Gallery / 12 Photos »

Presumably because she didn’t expect anyone to NARC on her underage peep show, future racoon-porn star Taylor Momsen flipped out on the audience last night at The Roxy (above) for using their cell phones. E! News reports:

“I know this is the modern age and everyone’s got cameras and cell phones and video cameras,” Momsen told both the paparazzi and camera-wielding fans last night. “But I’d really appreciate it if you’d put that f–king s–t down.”
“…. I know it’s very cool to videotape and put it on YouTube the next day,” she went on. “But, frankly, it completely takes away from the show. I’d thoroughly appreciate it if you’d put that s–t down and put your hands in the air…I want everyone’s hands in the f–king air.”

Oh, no, are people “taking away from” Taylor Momsen’s art? Because I could’ve sworn flashing your illegal breasts at innocent victims to the sound of emo-goth music defined a hate crime more than anything else. Then again, I never took art in college or sat around wondering how I could get my parents back for putting me in show business by becoming a cliche wrapped in a vampire. I’m naive that way.

Video After The Jump

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Justin Timberlake Banged Olivia Munn

October 27th, 2010 // 74 Comments
Olivia Munn Slept With Justin Timberlake
Olivia Munn Slept With Justin Timberlake
Olivia Munn Slept With Justin Timberlake
Olivia Munn Slept With Justin Timberlake
Olivia Munn Slept With Justin Timberlake
Olivia Munn Slept With Justin Timberlake
Olivia Munn Slept With Justin Timberlake
Olivia Munn Slept With Justin Timberlake
Olivia Munn Slept With Justin Timberlake
View the Gallery / 10 Photos »

Even though she’s been overexposed to the point of no longer being considered hot, Justin Timberlake apparently pulled the always reliable “Nah, girl, we broke up” on Olivia Munn thus paving the way for a three day sex-fest behind Jessica Biel‘s back. Us Weekly reports:

Munn resisted his advances, telling him it was a no-go if he was still with Biel, 28, the source tells Us Weekly. But Timberlake “has been telling people it’s over with Jessica, even though “the reality is he’s just doing it behind her back.”
Believing he had left Biel and that her relationship with Timberlake might develop into something serious, Munn took him to her hotel, the Gansevoort Park Avenue NYC, Sept. 27 and 28, where “they were openly affectionate,” the insider adds.
The insider tells Us the two “had amazing sex” that night.

According to Lainey Gossip, Olivia eventually figured out what was happening and called it quits which was no skin off J-Tim’s penis considering he has a platoon of women on reserve for just such an occasion. Except one of them is not Mila Kunis who reportedly shot down his advances because Macaulay Culkin is a powerful wizard who also saw her murder an entire orphanage once. That has to be it.

Photos: Getty, Splash News, WireImage

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Denise Richards Talks Charlie Sheen

October 27th, 2010 // 23 Comments
Denise Richards After Charlie Sheen Incident
Denise Richards After Charlie Sheen Incident
Denise Richards After Charlie Sheen Incident
Denise Richards After Charlie Sheen Incident
Denise Richards After Charlie Sheen Incident
Denise Richards After Charlie Sheen Incident
Denise Richards After Charlie Sheen Incident
Denise Richards After Charlie Sheen Incident
Denise Richards After Charlie Sheen Incident
View the Gallery / 10 Photos »

Despite building a new career based entirely on calling Charlie Sheen a crazy person, Denise Richards is handling him drunkenly trashing a hotel room while naked with a hooker in the closet remarkably well. Especially considering she was in the same hotel with their two daughters during an uncharacteristically cordial trip to New York. Here Denise is on The Joy Behar Show last night were she almost entirely defended Charlie:

On if she knew what was going on:
“I do know what happened and I did help him at the hospital.”

On if her daughters know:
“My daughters are five and six years old. They’re at an age where they can start to understand. They have no idea what went on.”

On how Charlie’s doing now:
“Maybe I’ll let you ask Charlie.”

On their current relationship:
“We’re in an amazing place. We’ve been getting along great for the last year-and-a-half, and we’re doing our best. So as far as that situation, I’m just trying to protect the girls from it as much as possible.”

On Charlie being drunk around the kids:
“I would never allow that.”

Of course, considering Charlie now makes a retarded $1.8 million per episode of Two and a Half Men, that has to equate to a shit-ton of child and spousal support. Not to mention his penchant for threatening people with a knife coupled with an almost supernatural capacity to never face a second of jail time. In fact, after just typing that, excuse me while I change every Charlie Sheen post to reflect how right he is about all those government conspiracies. 9/11 was a plot to make women use formula instead of breast feed? I’ll get the guns.

Video After The Jump

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Blake Lively is Single

October 27th, 2010 // 26 Comments
Blake Lively is Single
Blake Lively is Single
Blake Lively is Single
Blake Lively is Single
Blake Lively is Single
View the Gallery / 5 Photos »

Perhaps as a reward for finally launching a mobile site, or just being handsome in general, the Good Lord has finally seen fit to break up Blake Lively and Penn Badgley. Granted, he did it back in September and waited until now to tell me, I’m not about to look a gift horse in anything but the breasts. Us Weekly reports:

“They’re professionals,” an insider tells Us Weekly. “They’re still good friends and hang out on the set.”
The source says that the duo — who met as preteen actors in L.A. — “kept this news to themselves for a while.”
Even those closest to the twosome may be shocked to hear the news.
“Nobody on set had any idea,” says the insider. “They’re really just private.”

While my first and almost immediate reaction was, “I said, what what? In the butt,” a true gentlemen allows a lady time to heal before calling on her as a suitor. Which is why I’ll be romantically hiding in her linen closet until the time is right. You have to be sensitive to a woman’s feelings. *puts on ski mask*

♫ ♪ Can you feel the love tonight… ♫ ♪

(Thanks to Todd at IDLYITW for the heads up. You’re the only southerner I’ll miss after I poison the sweet tea reservoir.)

Photos: Splash News

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The Superficial is Mobile

October 27th, 2010 // 19 Comments
Batman with Deer by Steve Seeley

(The guy who paints these should be in the Louvre.)

As some of have you started to notice, we’ve finally launched a mobile version of The Superficial, so kindly point your mobile apparatus to:

http://m.thesuperficial.com

There you’ll find a mobile version of the site that’s optimized to thousands of handsets because I don’t want to read a flame war about iPhones vs. Droids. (Personally, I use burners, but only because I like to tell myself I could fit in on The Wire. Hey, yo, String!) Each post will have the same full photo gallery from the regular site along with all the comments available in a read-only format. Not only that, you can easily share posts via Facebook, Twitter and email because my horrific grammar truly deserves to be seen by all.

However, should you want the normal Superficial experience while driving and holding a latte, just click the Full Site link at the bottom which will place a cookie on your device so you won’t get hit with the mobile site without physically directing your browser to the http://m.thesuperficial.com URL.

Now that your prayers have been answered, let me take this time to say The Superficial in no way encourages you to sit under your desk reading about Charlie Sheen’s love of hookers because your employer blocked the site on account of his hatred for laughter.

You’re going to want hide in the restroom.

- The Superficial

NOTE: Feel free to use the Contact button to send me any questions, feedback or comments on the mobile site. I can’t guarantee you I’ll respond, but I can guarantee I’ll read it then forward it to someone who doesn’t have a drinking problem. Godspeed.

Photo: Steve Seeley

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