Archive for March, 2010

Heidi & Spencer committed to their fake marriage

March 30th, 2010 // 79 Comments

Heidi Montag is denying rumors she’s divorcing Spencer Pratt which must’ve been difficult considering they started them. Like drowning your own baby in the tub. People reports:

“I’m not moving out,” Montag, 23, says. “I love Spencer with all my heart.” Adds Pratt, 26: “I love my wife more now than I ever thought I could.”
The end of The Hills might help in that regard. “I’m so excited The Hills are finally over so I won’t be edited by anyone,” Montag says. “This will be the first time people can truly see us for who we are.”
It’s finally time to move on, says Montag. “The Hills has told the story of struggle and of finding myself in L.A., so it’s time for me to hang up all the drama like fighting and divorce talk with Spencer and become the mogul I am.”

You almost have to respect Heidi and Spencer for recognizing everyone assumed The Hills finale meant the end of their sham marriage and playing the divorce card for press. Don’t get me wrong, as soon as the show’s over, Spencer has to return Heidi to Mattel per the term of their lease, but you almost want to believe these two can make it. But only because watching a closeted gay man get repeatedly hit in the face with ginormous tits is hilarious. “Those aren’t penises!”

Thanks to Chase, the only lawyer I want representing me when they find those hookers.

Photos: Splash News

George Lopez gets in bed with Lindsay Lohan

March 30th, 2010 // 41 Comments

Lindsay Lohan apparently took issue with a joke George Lopez made on his show last night except nobody knows exactly what he said, nor is there a clip online because at least 75% are just now hearing George Lopez has a talk show:

@georgelopez thanks for the childish comment regarding baby powder in my shoes to loosen up the leather* don’t you have kids?
@georgelopez U wouldn’t wanna hear that about them, or would you? Act like a grown man, have some respect and dignity for yourself.

George Lopez responded making it painfully obvious this was all just a veiled attempt to justify booking Lindsay Lohan on the show:

@lindsaylohan let’s take this off twitter .. Come on the show .. I’ve met you before and don’t have anything against you .
@lindsaylohan you want me to stop talking about you I will .. Come and tell me .. To my face .. I’ll stop !! Respectfully .

Was this whole charade really necessary? If somebody saw Lindsay Lohan on a talk show, they’d just assume it was for the sole purpose of capturing her death on camera because it’s literally minutes away. I mean, what other reason could there be? Her caree- BAHAHA! I can’t even use the word in the same post.

Lindsay Lohan and Her Feet Full of Blow Pics

Kelly Brook in Lingerie

March 30th, 2010 // 123 Comments

Here’s Kelly Brook as the new spokesbreasts for the Ultimo lingerie line which I can only assume is the byproduct of Jesus proving he’s more kickass than the Easter Bunny. “Ooh, wow, candy in a basket full of annoying green shit. How about one of the hottest chicks in the world practically naked? JUMANJI!”*

*How Jesus really talks. I’ve read The Bible.

Photos: Splash News

Jesse James had 11 mistresses

March 30th, 2010 // 73 Comments

The National Enquirer is putting the Jesse James mistress count at 11 and essentially painting him as the Nazi Tiger Woods. Which sounds about right:

And in a stunning slap in the face to his movie star wife, sources say Jesse turned his office into a sleazy sex den where he played porn movies and engaged in rough sex with a string of lovers.
“He’s even had sex with other women right under Sandra’s nose! One girl said Jesse would take her into his office and lock the door, while Sandra was in the garage!
n another sick twist, The ENQUIRER has discovered Jesse’s Nazi memorabilia that he kept it in his office and the home he shared with Sandra. Jesse also reportedly was photographed wearing Nazi regalia and giving a “Heil Hitler” salute.
“Jesse has a long surfboard with a full-length picture of Adolf Hitler doing the ‘Sieg Heil’ salute, along with a swastika, in his office,” explained the insider.

Considering how many women Jesse James has banged coupled with his stupidity, I’m just amazed Sandra Bullock hasn’t found at least one stripper stuck in a couch cushion. Also, weren’t we just at four? Or can I make up numbers now, too? Sixtyleven hundred! All Klan members.

Photos: Splash News

Cameron Diaz in Daisy Dukes and other news

March 29th, 2010 // 49 Comments

- Ashton Kutcher is clearly not having sex with Demi Moore. [Dlisted]

- Jesse James dodged a bullet if you don’t count the settlement that just happened. [PopEater]

- Somebody’s going to need to burn that grocery store down. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

- Jackson Rathbone: A Tale of Shitass Vampire Make-Up. [Lainey Gossip]

- Christina Aguilera and her almost-cleavage. [HollywoodTuna]

- Victoria Justice should legally not be allowed to look like that. [StarPulse]

- Lady GaGa is my kind of drunk. [TheFABlife]

- Wesley Snipes says Michael Jackson was an angel that we “didn’t take good care of.” I assume he means letting him near children. What were we thinking?! [Just Jared]

- Julia Roberts has some fucked up fans. [Celebslam]

- Mindy McCready has a sex tape. PASS. [The Blemish]

- Britney Spears is staying in hotels again. I’ll alert the Pentagon. [PopSugar]

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Photos: Fame

Ricky Martin was gay this whole time

March 29th, 2010 // 123 Comments

Ricky Martin came out of the closet on his official blog today which is awesome because now I cross one more item off my list of things I pretty much know the answer to, but wouldn’t mind having that confirmation.

Things I Pretty Much Know The Answer To, But Wouldn’t Mind Having That Confirmation *UPDATED*

Is Clay Aiken gay?
Should Britney Spears be deemed a burden of the state?
Is Sarah Palin really a fucking idiot?
Does Lindsay Lohan walk around with coke in her shoes?
Does Paris Hilton pay Doug Reinhardt to pretend her vagina isn’t quarantined by the federal government?
Will I ever stop staring at women’s breasts?
Will Ricky Martin ever come out of the closet?
Can I close an HTML tag before the site completely crashes?

Photos: Getty