Archive for April, 2009

Paris Hilton in ‘The Unfortunate Angle’

April 29th, 2009 // 87 Comments
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Maybe I was up too late writing captions, but did it take anyone else a minute to realize that’s Paris’ purse strap and not a gigantic penis? I don’t know what that says about me as a person, but consider this a revelatory look at my immediate perception of Paris Hilton. In the meantime, I’m going to get some coffee before I mistake Lindsay Lohan for a walking clitoris.

Photos: Splash News
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Sarah Jessica Parker & Matthew Broderick will shut you up. With twins!

April 29th, 2009 // 69 Comments
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In response to rumors they’re getting a divorce, Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick have announced they’re expecting twins. Via surrogate that is. The AP reports:

Parker, 44, and Broderick, 47, “are happily anticipating the birth of their twin daughters later this summer with the generous help of a surrogate. The entire family is overjoyed,” said a statement from the publicists.
The couple has a 6-year-old son, James Wilkie Broderick, and will mark their 12th wedding anniversary next month.
Details about the surrogate or her pregnancy were unavailable, the publicists said.

Because nothing proves a couple’s undying love for each other than not even having the required sex to procreate. God, what devotion.

Photos: Getty
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Sam Lutfi slapped with three year restraining order

April 29th, 2009 // 16 Comments

After a lengthy court battle with Britney Spears’ conservatorship, a judge has issued a permanent restraining order preventing Sam “I’ll Piss On Your Grave” Lutfi from going anywhere near the pop singer or her children. Jon Eardley, an attorney who claimed Britney tried to hire him, has also been shut down, according to TMZ:

Britney and both her sons, Sean Preston and Jayden James, are protected under the order. Lutfi and Jon Eardley are not allowed to go within 100 yards of Brit’s home, job or workplace.
Sam and Jon also have to stay away from K-Fed’s place and any of Britney’s family members’ homes.
The conservators filed for the restraining order because they said Lutfi and Jon were trying to torpedo the conservatorship by contacting Britney behind their backs.

I like how they included Kevin in the restraining order. I’m sure they didn’t have to, but it’s nice they make him feel special. Also, he earned his Britney-money the old-fashioned way: Knocking up an insane rich woman. You gotta respect that.

Photo: WENN
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The Superficial presents ‘The Hell Are You Wearing?

April 28th, 2009 // 70 Comments
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Welcome to another The Superficial Caption Gallery. This time around we’re featuring red carpet disasters such as good ol’ Brooke Hogan here. Feel free to laugh along at my sexy wit, or simply the fact that these people paid money to look like Bedazzled shit. (But say it’s my wit; I’m sensitive.)

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Julia Roberts is capable of profanity

April 28th, 2009 // 24 Comments
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- Julia Roberts swears! And even more shockingly, is alive. Holy shit! [PopSugar]

- Fergie’s shoe line includes heels named after The Jonas Brothers? So are you not allowed to wear them until you’re married? I don’t get it. [MTV Buzzworthy]

- Courtney Love is opening up a lingerie store. Want to make your husband impotent? Your prayers have been answered. [ICYDK]

- Hugh Jackman isn’t fucking with swine flu and has canceled the Mexican leg of his Wolverine promotional tour. Fortunately, he waited for Heidi and Spencer to get down there before saying “Ha, you’re joking right? Pull the plug.” [Videogum]

- Gisele Bundchen takes her baby out to play. Even though it came of Bridget Moynahan’s vagina. Mere technicality. [Jezebel]

- Keria Knightley insists she eats. In fact, she loves food so much she’ll marry it right here then have food children. — I’ve gone too far, haven’t I? [Best Week Ever]

- Suri Cruise bolts from Tom Cruise. Katie Holmes, you should take notes. [Allie is Wired]

Photos: Getty
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Ashlee Simpson shows off the Bronx Mowgli

April 28th, 2009 // 45 Comments
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Here’s Ashlee Simpson carrying Bronx Mowgli in New York City, and before everyone gets bent out of shape, I would never make fun of an innocent baby. But I would suggest one immediately hijacks a car and flees to Mexico. It’s either swine flu or being raised by Pete Wentz, kid, and only one comes with a vaccine.

Photos: Splash News
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