Archive for March, 2009

Vince Shlomi Slap Chop’s™ a hooker

March 29th, 2009 // 71 Comments

Vince Shlomi of Slap Chop/ShamWow fame (Who’s 44?) was apparently arrested last month for punching a hooker after she bit his tongue. The incident went down in Miami and ultimately ended in charges dropped for both parties. Both were shit-faced if you hadn’t guessed already. The Smoking Gun reports:

According to an arrest affidavit, Shlomi met Sasha Harris, 26, at a Miami Beach nightclub on February 7 and subsequently retired with her to his $750 room at the lavish Setai hotel. Shlomi told cops he paid Harris about $1000 in cash after she “propositioned him for straight sex.” Shlomi said that when he kissed Harris, she suddenly “bit his tongue and would not let go.” Shlomi then punched Harris several times until she released his tongue. The affidavit, a copy of which you’ll find here, notes that during the 4 AM fight Harris sustained facial fractures and lacerations all over her face (she is pictured here in mug shots snapped following busts in 2008 and 2005). After freeing his tongue, a bleeding Shlomi ran to the Setai lobby, where security summoned cops. Harris refused to cooperate with officers, who recovered $930 from her purse. “Both parties had a strong odor of an alcoholic beverage emitting from their persons,” police reported.

I guess she didn’t love his nuts. ZING! God, I make this look easy.

Kim Kardashian is still, I dunno, doing stuff

March 28th, 2009 // 105 Comments

Hey, look, it’s Kim Kardashian picking up her dry cleaning. Exciting, huh? Seriously, do I even need to explain why I’m posting these? It’s Saturday, nothing’s happening, and Kim Kardashian has an ass I would expect to belong to a medium sized rhinoceros. Mystery solved.

Photos: WENN

Katie Holmes is the happiest looking woman alive

March 28th, 2009 // 100 Comments

Katie Holmes was spotted going to a dance studio yesterday and, man, have you ever seen a human being look more beaten down than her here? She looks like a kidnap victim that was just freed after being locked in a basement for twelve years. I don’t know what’s going on with her and Tom Cruise at home, but I’m pretty sure it has to be violating at least one or two federal laws. Or maybe this is just how she looks when she’s madly in love. Kind of like the girls I used to “date”, but that now I’m no longer allowed within a hundred yards of.

Photos: Flynet

Ashlee Simpson & Pete Wentz sure shut you up

March 27th, 2009 // 71 Comments

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz decided to dispel rumors their marriage is on the rocks by making out onstage at the MTV Australia Music Awards today. And, damn, they sure showed us. I mean, that’s totally the face of a man who doesn’t look like he’s getting kissed by his grandmother. I’m convinced.

Photos: Getty

Megan Fox has lady parts

March 27th, 2009 // 89 Comments

Damn. Friday already? Here’s that special time of the week where I like to remind everybody that Megan Fox has breasts. Think of me as a service to the community. Or a national treasure even. I earned it.

Adding… Suck it, Shriners!

Photos: Fame, Flynet

Justin Timberlake & Jessica Biel: A Love Tested

March 27th, 2009 // 81 Comments

Justin Timberlake’s wandering eye is causing problems with Jessica Biel, according to OK! Magazine:

“They’ve been fighting lately,” says another friend, adding that the main issue is JT’s incorrigibly roving eye. “Justin has always loved women – singing about them, looking at them, flirting with them. He can’t help it!”
But does the “Sexy Back” singer know when to hit the brakes?
“Jessica’s seen Justin flirt, but says it’s all in good fun,” the pal tells OK!. “But she has told him that if they get engaged, it’s got to end. Things seem a bit tense with them, but they’re trying to get past the rough patches.”
On the other hand, the insider reveals to OK!, “Justin asked one of his longtime best friends how much time he’d need to give Jessica if he asked her to move out of their New York City apartment without seeming like a jerk.”

And that’s when I told him “Look, you can give a woman time to shoot you in the testicles with a crossbow. Or just change the locks.” Now, normally, I don’t like to quote scripture, but this was an old friend in a tough situation…

Photos: Splash News