Archive for January, 2009

Megan Fox’s plan to replace Angelina Jolie going nicely

January 28th, 2009 // 85 Comments

While she waits for her adoption papers to clear, Megan Fox has been given a golden opportunity to replace Angelina Jolie thus delaying her plans to eventually stab the Oscar winning actress and eat her soul to complete the transformation. Too scientific? My bad. Long story short, Megan Fox is up for the role of Lara Croft in a new Tomb Raider film. E! News reports:

According to the Hollywood Reporter, the third film will completely reboot the video-game-based character, including changing her origin story (most likely shying away from her English aristocracy roots), and introduce new kinds of missions, love interests and villains.
And, most notably, a new leading lady.
While producers say an actress likely won’t be cast until a writer and director have signed on, Fox has emerged as the frontrunner replacement, at least as far as the blogosphere is concerned.

I had no idea a pair of implants and tattoos could be so effective. That gives me an idea….

UPDATE: So, apparently, getting a Yosemite Sam tattoo does not make you a suitable replacement for Hugh Jackman. I don’t even know how to describe how messed up that is. Seriously, Hollywood, you’re just being weird now.

Photos: Getty

Ashlee Simpson defends her big sister

January 28th, 2009 // 247 Comments

Ashlee Simpson took to her blog to defend Jessica Simpson’s honor which I assumed got mistaken for a Ho-Ho because I’m a terrible person:

I am completely disgusted by the headlines concerning my sister’s weight. A week after the inauguration and with such a feeling of hope in the air for our country, I find it completely embarrassing and belittling to all women to read about a woman’s weight or figure as a headline on Fox News.
All women come in different shapes, sizes, and forms and just because you’re a celebrity, there shouldn’t be a different standard.
Is this something you would say to your wife, daughter, mother, grandmother, or even a friend?
I seriously doubt it.
How can we expect teenage girls to love and respect themselves in an environment where we criticize a size 2 figure?
Now can we focus on the things that really matter.

Yeah, I’m with you, Ashlee. How dare FOX News run a headline about your sister’s weight? That’s my job! Do I report the news solely from a blatant Republican viewpoint? Shit no. So let’s try and maintain some boundaries, people. For journalism’s sake.

Photos: Splash News

PETA’s banned Super Bowl ad suddenly makes me want broccoli with my veal

January 28th, 2009 // 93 Comments

Generally, I regard PETA as a bunch of insane hippies who have a knack for making celebs get naked therefore earning my respect as long as they don’t stop me from eating chicken wings. Well, this time they’ve outdone themselves, and apparently, a little too far. Above is a NSFW ad they hoped to run during the Super Bowl, but couldn’t based on obvious concerns from NBC.

That said, not seeing women make-out with vegetables during the Super Bowl* is about as Un-American as it gets. You might as well cancel the game and show footage of France. Way to tread on me, NBC. Now, as for PETA and their “Vegetarians have better sex” slogan, clearly they’ve never made love to a woman after eating at Outback. Which, actually, I recommend nobody ever do. Unless you love oniony coitus then knock yourself out.

Thanks to heather! who’s not allowed in the produce section anymore.

*GO STEELERS!

Photos: PETA

John Travolta extortion plot revealed. Surprise! It’s asinine.

January 27th, 2009 // 26 Comments

Tarino Lightbourn, an EMT who arrived at the scene of Jett Travolta’s death, was charged with conspiracy to commit extortion for trying to blackmail John Travolta for $25 million. Tarino allegedly had a “refusal to transport” document signed at the scene by the actor that he thought would be damaging. It’s not. People reports:

Senior Assistant Commissioner of Police Marvin Dames downplayed the importance of the document.
“The document did not apply in the Travolta case,” Dames tells PEOPLE. “It did not apply because he was very ill, and so, the only alternative would be to take him to the hospital. Refusal to transport documents are for cases involving minor injuries. If your injuries are minor and you don’t want to be transported, the ambulance driver would produce that form. It waives responsibility on the part of the hospital.”
Dames insists the Travoltas did everything possible to save their son.
“We were satisfied from all our investigations that the Travolta family and those who rendered aid to Jett did all that was humanly possible to revive Jett,” Dames says. “All did what they were able to resuscitate him.”
“There’s no evidence to support that there was any effort to avoid medical treatment,” he adds. “Lightbourn said that himself in several interviews.”

While all that explains things, you know what downplays the document even more? It’s probably fake:

For now, the police are having difficulty determining the authenticity of the document Lightbourn allegedly tried to sell to Travolta.
“We don’t know where the original is,” the senior assistant commissioner says. “We don’t know if he generated the document.”

So, Brainiac the EMT driver forged a document whose authenticity can’t even be verified and tried to bilk a grieving John Travolta whose every move is being followed by the press out of $25 million. Not to mention he went through Travolta’s lawyers who, oh I dunno, have a basic understanding of legitimate documentation. And this plan failed? Jesus, what are the odds?

Janice Dickinson probably shouldn’t draw attention to her face. Ever.

January 27th, 2009 // 153 Comments

Former supermodel Janice Dickinson made faces for the paparazzi yesterday while getting a touch-up at MAC on Robertson Blvd. I don’t know what I’m more shocked by: Janice Dickinson’s death-like man-face, or that her make-up isn’t applied by a spray gun in an auto body shop. Which reminds me, you know what they should bring back? Veils. Just putting it out there.

Photos: Fame, Splash News

Jessica Alba defends her intelligence

January 27th, 2009 // 188 Comments

Jessica Alba took to her MySpace blog today to defend telling a TMZ reporter to “Be Sweden … Be neutral” about her feud with Bill O’Reilly. (She called him an “asshole.”) TMZ and Big Bill decided to rip on Jessica for not saying Switzerland until she pulled a little Wikipedia action on their asses:

Hey Guys,
Jay_eh here. I wanted to share with everyone in the ibeatyou and MySpace communities my experiences at the inauguration last week, so I put together a little video.
Before I get to the video, I want to clear some things up that have been bothering me lately. I find it depressing that in the midst of perhaps the most salient time in our country’s history, individuals are taking it upon themselves to encourage negativity and stupidity. Last week, Mr. Bill O’Reilly and some really classy sites (i.e.TMZ) insinuated I was dumb by claiming Sweden was a neutral country. I appreciate the fact that he is a news anchor and that gossip sites are inundated with intelligent reporting, but seriously people…it’s so sad to me that you think the only neutral country during WWII was Switzerland. Check out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sweden_during_World_War_II if you want to see what I was referring to. I appreciate the name calling and the accurate reporting. Keep it up!!
Now on to more important things…like our new President.

TMZ has since apologized, and for the record, I’d like to point I never called Jessica Alba dumb. Everyone here knows I’m a bastion of journalistic research when I’m not making shit up. However, I will call Jessica Alba dumb now for referring to herself as “Jay_eh.” 4 Realz? That’s hella lame. Hella lame.