Archive for August, 2006

Lindsay Lohan might be getting engaged

August 31st, 2006 // 58 Comments
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Kate Moss is the best hat wearer ever

August 31st, 2006 // 71 Comments
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In the most pointless story of the week, Kate Moss has been named Britain’s best hat wearer by a consortium of weirdos aimed at promoting hat wearing. A spokesman for the consortium says:

“Kate manages to wear the most elaborate and extravagant millinery designs with great confidence and aplomb and, most importantly, without the hat seemingly wearing her. She has the face to launch a thousand hat collections and has done much to promote hat wearing in recent years.”

And because I laugh in the face of ridiculous associations for ridiculous causes, here are some shots of Kate Moss leaving Miyama restaurant not wearing a hat, including a closeup of her engagement ring. A ring so laughably small it’s often confused with Paris Hilton’s brain.

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Donald Trump tells Carolyn Kepcher she’s fired

August 31st, 2006 // 47 Comments
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Donald Trump has fired his Apprentice co-star Carolyn Kepcher because she was letting the fame go to her head.

“She became a prima donna,” said one insider. “Being on ‘The Apprentice’ went to her head. She was no longer focused on business. She was giving speeches for $25,000 and doing endorsements. George has been around a long time. He’s seen everything. He didn’t get excited even when women on the street started screaming when they saw him on his way to work. But Carolyn took it very seriously. She thought she was a freaking movie star. Trump told her what she had to do was take some time off and spend it with her family, and then get another job.”

How ironic that somebody responsible for firing so many people would be fired herself. Wait, that is ‘ironic’ right? I don’t really know the meaning of words. I usually just throw them in if they sound right and hope everything is platypus.

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Jessica Simpson plumps her lips

August 31st, 2006 // 44 Comments
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Jessica Simpson admits in the October issue of Glamour she had her lips artificially plumped last fall.

“I had that Restylane stuff,” she says. “It looked fake to me. I didn’t like that. But…it went away in, like, four months. My lips are back to what they were. Thank God!” New York City plastic surgeon Andrew Jacono says Restylane – a protein-based gel – is safer than collagen (which comes from animals): “It’s the gold standard.”

I must’ve missed the memo that said looking like this is attractive. Everybody knows what they’re gonna look like if they do it and yet these clowns keep doing it. I can understand wanting to inject weird liquids into your face, but not wanting to look like you just made out with a poisonous cactus for the past six hours.

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Paris Hilton asks for a lot of money

August 31st, 2006 // 58 Comments
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Charlotte Church is starting up her own talk show and asked Paris Hilton to be a guest, but had to pass when Paris ended up asking for more than $650,000 just to appear.

“We asked Paris to be on the program because I could take the mick out of her [ridicule her] and not feel at all bad about it – she’s such a complete airhead,” Church told a Brit radio show. “But she demanded a ridiculous amount of money – like the price of a big house just to say a few stupid things. She’s hardly going to announce anything world-changing, is she? It’s absolutely pathetic, isn’t it?”

If I had my own talk show I’d pay $650,000 for Paris to appear. Although it wouldn’t technically be a talk show. It’d just be me in my basement with some rope and a crowbar. Which sort of qualifies as a talk show except that there wouldn’t be any talking involved. Unless screaming counts. Because there’d be plenty of that.

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John Travolta kisses a man

August 31st, 2006 // 131 Comments
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John Travolta was spotted kissing a man as they boarded his 707 airplance in Hamilton, Ontario. This doesn’t mean he’s gay or anything, it just means he has a really strange grasp of proper social behavior. Where most people hug or shake hands, John Travolta gives awkward kisses on the mouth. If I was called a homosexual for everytime I did that I can’t even tell you the number of times I would’ve been called a homosexual. Oh wait, yes I can. Turns out it’s zero.

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