May 08, 2006
Jessica Simpson goes red

Jessica Simpson showed up to the NCLR ALMA awards with curly red hair and the weirdest looking breasts I've ever seen. It's a step up from her shaggy monkey hair, but so would be a mullet or if she shaved her head and glued strips of paper to it.
More shots of Jessica's new hair after the jump, including an odd picture of a man cupping her right breast as she adjusts her dress.
UPDATE: Turns out the hair is actually a wig, and is part of a new hairpiece line Jessica is coming out with. No, seriously. I'm not even kidding.




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» Katie Holmes wears a nursing bra
» David Spade plays with puppets
» Pete Doherty displays blood paintings


Comments
1. Posted by BarbadoSlim on May 8, 2006 02:56 PM
Wow her hair looks stupider now.
2. Posted by Fisher55 on May 8, 2006 02:57 PM
she looks like an inedible piece of fruit
3. Posted by suzy on May 8, 2006 02:58 PM
i like her hair.. i don't know about that tan..
that dress does nothing for her boobs lol
4. Posted by waterranger on May 8, 2006 02:58 PM
Her hair matches her tan! cool!
5. Posted by azcoyote on May 8, 2006 03:00 PM
And picture one proves definitively that those are implants...
6. Posted by always answer b on May 8, 2006 03:00 PM
SHOOT THE STYLIST
7. Posted by dirt chicken on May 8, 2006 03:01 PM
I never thought i'd say this, but... her cans look gross.
8. Posted by azcoyote on May 8, 2006 03:01 PM
Picture one and two should also read.... "Breasts that look like head of orange penis...."
9. Posted by pinky_nip on May 8, 2006 03:01 PM
Carrot top meets high glamour.
10. Posted by Italian Stallion on May 8, 2006 03:01 PM
Carrot Top has some funny looking tit's, man what a great prop comic this guy is......
11. Posted by Jacq on May 8, 2006 03:02 PM
Her hair guy IS on drugs. HELLO Carrot Top! Her face should NOT be the came color as her hair.
12. Posted by pinky_nip on May 8, 2006 03:02 PM
It looks like she just crawled out of a cheetos bag.
13. Posted by Jacq on May 8, 2006 03:02 PM
WHAT IN THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HER TIT?!?! Yes, I yelled that here at the office, too.
14. Posted by pinky_nip on May 8, 2006 03:03 PM
#9, #10, #11... great minds think alike!
15. Posted by Italian Stallion on May 8, 2006 03:03 PM
SOM pinky-nip, great minds think alike.....
16. Posted by Fisher55 on May 8, 2006 03:03 PM
My God, what are they doing to her?! She's a fucking trainwreck! She looked better impersonating Vince Neil
17. Posted by Jacq on May 8, 2006 03:04 PM
I like the pleated section for her FUPA.
Orange ring? Check
Orange dress? Check
Orange hair? Check
Orange skin? Check
Dammit, MeganHarris, fire Ken Paves!
18. Posted by Italian Stallion on May 8, 2006 03:04 PM
Holy shit I keep posting before seeing yours and now this is just crazy......
how about this, THATS ONE GEORGIA PEECH I WOULDN"T MIND EATING>>>>>>>>>>
19. Posted by BarbadoSlim on May 8, 2006 03:05 PM
Is her haircut supposed to look as if the wind is blowing her hair while she's riding a motorcycle?
If it is, then we got a winner.
20. Posted by frangly on May 8, 2006 03:05 PM
Her boob looks like it's sausage oozing out of the end of the grinder machine...about to plop off onto the floor...
21. Posted by BigJim on May 8, 2006 03:05 PM
Yes, her tit looks like a giant penis, which is why you can catch Tom Cruise jerking off to these photos.
22. Posted by Fisher55 on May 8, 2006 03:05 PM
Somewhere Nick Lachey is laughing his ass off
23. Posted by Jacq on May 8, 2006 03:05 PM
Maybe we'll get lucky and Carrot Top will stuff her in a trunk with his props. There's no way he's going on tour any time soon, with all the weightlifting and all.
24. Posted by Color me stoked on May 8, 2006 03:06 PM
ugh dont these people have sylists to tell them 'hey your fugly dress doesnt support your boobs and your orange hair, dress, and skin clash really badly and look halloweeny with your shoes.'
aparently her sylist hates her
25. Posted by Italian Stallion on May 8, 2006 03:06 PM
*Peach
26. Posted by jenny4a20 on May 8, 2006 03:06 PM
YIKES!!!! Now why would she go and do that? Does she not have any friends? I think if anything it proves they are NOT implants, look how saggy!!!
27. Posted by pinky_nip on May 8, 2006 03:07 PM
Stallion: are you my long lost brother?!
She better be careful, Britney might eat her.
28. Posted by Jacq on May 8, 2006 03:07 PM
That has GOT to be Joe's hand in the last pic. I bet she's got nipples long enough to drag her around by.
29. Posted by Fisher55 on May 8, 2006 03:07 PM
Her tit looks like Bill Maher's nose
30. Posted by hurley on May 8, 2006 03:08 PM
"plerp"
that's what her breast said.
31. Posted by BigJim on May 8, 2006 03:08 PM
I guess I'd hit it... with a carrot peeler? How about a juicer?
32. Posted by pinky_nip on May 8, 2006 03:10 PM
Somewhere Bugs Bunny is jacking off.
33. Posted by redsonja1313 on May 8, 2006 03:11 PM
As a legal owner of a pair real boobs....THEY SAG after you loose weight and yo-yo weight gain and loss is the worst on them. Sad since she is so young, time for a boob lift honey. You might want to see if you can get a group rate and take Gwenth with you, owner of the worlds smallest sagging boobs !!!
34. Posted by Jacq on May 8, 2006 03:11 PM
That cutesy peeking over her shoulder thing pisses me off. You're twenty-fucking-(something)years old for God's sake! I bet the way that head swivels around is a result of selling her soul. Happened to Linda Blair, too.
This is scarier and uglier than a car accident, but I can't look away. Her boobs should fight LiLo's boobs.
35. Posted by YAYShannysHERE on May 8, 2006 03:12 PM
yuck, the boobs look b a a a d
36. Posted by Fisher55 on May 8, 2006 03:12 PM
Maybe she's playing Frenchie in a remake of "Grease"
37. Posted by Italian Stallion on May 8, 2006 03:12 PM
Somewhere Bugs Bunny is wrestling his bald headed champion........
Just kidding I saw yours(pinky-nip) this time, but yours was funny as shit.......
38. Posted by Jacq on May 8, 2006 03:13 PM
#29 - Extremely creative. Extremely accurate. Do you also think that Bill looks like he could be Hugh Hefner's bastard son?
#32 - Did you ever think Bugs Bunny was sexy when he dressed up and played girl bunny?
39. Posted by Lynette Carrington on May 8, 2006 03:13 PM
You can dress her up, change her bust size or tweak her hair color.......she looks like a giant orange lampshade.......with an IQ to match.
40. Posted by BarbadoSlim on May 8, 2006 03:14 PM
I wonder if the curtains match the drapes...
41. Posted by spatz on May 8, 2006 03:16 PM
oooofa
42. Posted by saltpeanuts on May 8, 2006 03:16 PM
I bet those strange puppies are filled with yummy nutritious carrot juice.
Nick deflowered her and now she's all wilted. In between bouts of crying, he probably is laughing and is glad that he can now boink some strippers and hookers and not have to worry about them waking up next to him.
PS: she still has the whitest teeth I've ever come across.
43. Posted by Fisher55 on May 8, 2006 03:17 PM
40: i think what u meant was "i wonder if the rug matches the curtains"
44. Posted by pinky_nip on May 8, 2006 03:18 PM
#38: My favorite B. Bunny cross-dressing episode is Hillbilly Hare. When he's the slutty square dance babe.
BTW, put a stick up her ass and you've got the world's largest cream-filled dreamsicle. And by cream-filled, I mean her brain.
45. Posted by Fisher55 on May 8, 2006 03:18 PM
38: wow, never thought about it, but they do have the same smarmy smirk...(which i secretly think is kinda sexy)
46. Posted by pinky_nip on May 8, 2006 03:19 PM
Oompa Loompa, boobadee doop.. I've got a secret message for you...
47. Posted by Geno on May 8, 2006 03:19 PM
Changing your hair will make everything better. Really. It will. Bwahahahahaha!
What a train wreck.
http://catholictvguy.blogspot.com/
48. Posted by Fisher55 on May 8, 2006 03:20 PM
hey Jessica, orange you upset that you look like crapola?
49. Posted by 86 on May 8, 2006 03:20 PM
She looks like the old pictures my grandmother has hanging on her walls.
50. Posted by ranesing on May 8, 2006 03:22 PM
.........we say "does the carpet match the draperies." Same thing.
Anyway, that dress needs a breast lift.
51. Posted by artmonkey3000 on May 8, 2006 03:23 PM
Her tit looks weird because its a slab of silicone crammed in her chest.
Before and after the hair looked/s fine.....its the 2-dimensional personality and utter lack of cultural relevance she should be concerned about.
52. Posted by sweetcheeks on May 8, 2006 03:25 PM
Are her bangs PINK?!!! Maybe she's promoting breast cancer awareness.
53. Posted by Land-Man on May 8, 2006 03:25 PM
Her breasts are so saggy because I sucked all the milk out of them. Then my body digested the milk and broke it down into protein which turned into my Land-Semen. Then I deposited a load of Land-Semen onto her deflated breasts.
54. Posted by Zed on May 8, 2006 03:26 PM
I see tan. I see LOTS of tan.
I see tan EVERYWHERE. Even her hair is, not red, but tan. What a lovely haircolor: TAN. Ugh.
55. Posted by sweetcheeks on May 8, 2006 03:27 PM
Nice Loubotin pumps, though. I think every hollywood starlet has a pair of those.
56. Posted by dubwise on May 8, 2006 03:28 PM
um....don't you turn orange when you get Hepatitis C?
57. Posted by Feed_Me_Chocolate on May 8, 2006 03:29 PM
Jessica,
That's not how you do the "live long and prosper" hand sign.
BTW, TCLTC
58. Posted by Feed_Me_Chocolate on May 8, 2006 03:30 PM
Time for another breast lift.
59. Posted by Color me stoked on May 8, 2006 03:31 PM
@33 Kirsten snaggle toothed untalented overrated nasty slut Dunst has smaller saggier boobs than gwyneth does.
60. Posted by Jacq on May 8, 2006 03:32 PM
#42 - You've come in her mouth! Snap!
I wonder if her period is orange.
#48 - OR Orange you sad you look like a Crayola?
61. Posted by BigJim on May 8, 2006 03:34 PM
#44:
Me too.
Promenade across the floor
Sass shay right on out the door
Out the door and in to the glade
And everybody promenade
Step right up, you're doing fine
I'll pull your beard, you pull mine
Yank it again, like you did before
Break it up with a tug of war
Now into the brook and fish for the trout
Dive right in and splash about
Trout, trout, pretty little trout
One more splash and come right out
Shake like a hound dog, shake again
Wallow around in the old pig pen
Wallow some more, you all know how
Roll around like an old fat sow
Allemande left with your left hand
Follow through with a right-left grand
Now lead your partner, the dirty ol' thing
Follow through with an elbow swing
Grab a fence post, hold it tight
Whomp your partner with all your might
Hit him in the shin, hit him in the head
Hit him again, the critter ain't dead
Wop him low and wop him high
Stick your finger in his eye
Pretty little rhythm, pretty little sound
Bang your heads against the ground
Promenade all around the room
Promenade like a bride and groom
Open up the door and step right in
Close the door and into a spin
Whirl, whirl, twist and twirl
Jump all around like a flying squirrel
Now don't you cuss and don't you swear
Just come right out and form a square
Now right hand over and left hand under
Both join hands and run like thunder
Over the hill and over the dale
Duck your head and lift your tail
Don't you stray and don't you roam
Turn it around and promenade home
Corn in the crib pen, wheat in the sack
Turn your partner, promenade back
And now you're home
Bow to your partner
Bow to the gent across the hall
And that is all
62. Posted by andrewthezeppo on May 8, 2006 03:35 PM
I think this is a perfect example to show how people in this country confuse blond hair with being attractive. Jessica Simpson basically has the same facial structure as Ricky Martin, but because she has long blond hair (extentions mostly) and fake tits people say she's hot.
Same with Britney, back when she had blond extentions in everybody thought she was hot shit, she takes them out and all of the sudden becomes a cheeto eating beached whale.
63. Posted by pinky_nip on May 8, 2006 03:37 PM
#61: Damn you! Why are all the good ones taken!
Classic B. Bunny.. I have all the DVD's. But that one is tops, followed, by Rabbit of Seville, of course.
64. Posted by pinky_nip on May 8, 2006 03:39 PM
http://www.nonstick.com/sounds/Bugs_bunny.html
Has all the great Bugs clips!
65. Posted by ~S.Starr~ on May 8, 2006 03:40 PM
Whats with all the "fake boobs" posts. Are you people mental...Jessica has always had really big boobs... except when she lost all that weight after Dukes of Hazzard and everyone thought she had an eating disorder. So what...anyone who has big boobs MUST have implants...get real. Besides, if they were fake they would sag over that dress she is wearing. The fact that they look the way they do in that dress is proof enough that they are real.
66. Posted by Aimtrue on May 8, 2006 03:41 PM
As an ILLEGAL owner of a pair of boobs, I would trade my pair in for those any time. Sure they look saggy or something in the pics, but i have a feeling it has something to do with that ill fitting dress. I really need to see them naked to make my final judgement- preferrably up close, in my face, with me suckling away.
67. Posted by ~S.Starr~ on May 8, 2006 03:42 PM
I meant "if they were fake they WOULDN'T sag over that dress"
68. Posted by BarbadoSlim on May 8, 2006 03:42 PM
Holy crap she does look like Ricky Martin...only less gay.
69. Posted by BigJim on May 8, 2006 03:45 PM
She loves the cock about as much as Ricky does. And Tom.
Remember, TCLT <=============3
70. Posted by ~S.Starr~ on May 8, 2006 03:48 PM
BTW...Her hairstylist Ken said it is indeed A WIG...see link below
http://www.usmagazine.com/blog/index.php
71. Posted by sweetcheeks on May 8, 2006 03:48 PM
#62 -- indeed. Another prime example: Ashlee Simpson. She dyes her hair blond, snaps in some extra-long extensions, and suddenly, she's gorgeous.
There's more! Gwen Stefani. And Jenny McCarthy. Paris Hilton, Uma Thurman and that stupid cunt from Laguna Beach.
72. Posted by Dewey on May 8, 2006 03:50 PM
Ya' know, someone really should introduce her to the strapless bra. And clothes that actually fit. And hair that doesn't look like shit. And...
Really, she needs to stop trying to dress herself.
73. Posted by Keka on May 8, 2006 03:52 PM
Gravity, what an unbeatable force of nature.
74. Posted by MeganHarris on May 8, 2006 03:54 PM
Saggy boobs! saggy boobs!!
75. Posted by Pearly on May 8, 2006 03:56 PM
Her colorist is a moron. This pretty much always happens when you put red over bleached har..it looks washed out and orange. They teach that in beauty school for gods sake..I think she did it herself w/Nice n Easy which is why YES her bangs are pinkish.
She'll be blonde again in a week, as if it matters since she's on her way out anyhow.
76. Posted by D-Rock on May 8, 2006 03:57 PM
Did she just walk into a Fantastic Sams and request "The Bonaduce?"
77. Posted by PapaHotNuts on May 8, 2006 03:58 PM
In five years, the only thing that will be between me and Jessica's tits will be her bellybutton.
78. Posted by ~S.Starr~ on May 8, 2006 04:01 PM
Pearly #75... Just to inform you...Jessicas red hair is a wig. So your post is makes no sence.
79. Posted by Zanna on May 8, 2006 04:02 PM
They were just trying to "spic" her up for the event.
You know that bean bag game where you try to throw the bags through the target? And then sometimes you'd get it to go through..and sometimes it would get caught up in the hole and just hang there...that's what her tits remind me of.
80. Posted by BarbadoSlim on May 8, 2006 04:03 PM
Even if it is a wig, it's the stupidest most unflatteringly sickly orange wig this person could have worn.
81. Posted by boredmilf on May 8, 2006 04:04 PM
General rule of thumb: if you can hold half a sandwich under your boob - a bra is a must.
82. Posted by Shelley Bonnechance on May 8, 2006 04:06 PM
Good lord. The girl has turned completely orange. It looks like the spray-on tan machine got set to "Crayola Tangerine".
And that dress definitely does NOT fit correctly.
83. Posted by Twisted Humor on May 8, 2006 04:06 PM
Her boobs look like someone flopped 2 scoops of orange sherbet on her chest.
84. Posted by BigEyedFish on May 8, 2006 04:09 PM
It's totally a mystic tan. The palm of her hand proves it.
85. Posted by Lavis on May 8, 2006 04:10 PM
That chick is TOTALLY a guy!
86. Posted by supersonicsgirl on May 8, 2006 04:18 PM
Her breasts remind me of an anteater or maybe she is trying to grow a couple of elephant trunks.
87. Posted by pinky_nip on May 8, 2006 04:20 PM
I wondered what that strange glow in the western sky was the other night.
88. Posted by sunflower*daydream on May 8, 2006 04:20 PM
It's La La Orange from Rainbow Brite!
89. Posted by luvbigjim on May 8, 2006 04:26 PM
i'm going to start a blog dedicated solely to BigJim's posts!
Oh yeah and......TCLTC
90. Posted by Feed_Me_Chocolate on May 8, 2006 04:27 PM
She looks like she got permanently squashed by the mamogram machine. Poor boobies, they just never recovered.
*playing Taps*
91. Posted by Dr.Rokter on May 8, 2006 04:27 PM
Her breasts look like they're drunk.
92. Posted by BigJim on May 8, 2006 04:32 PM
It's so nice to have fans. I think of you hotties while I'm pounding the hell out of my wife.
93. Posted by whackjob on May 8, 2006 04:35 PM
yes, the color is hideous
yes, the flopsicles are frightening
but you've all missed a photo of her stalker, kept at 500 ft distance by restraining order, seen standing behind the fire hydrant in the 3rd photo.
94. Posted by Feed_Me_Chocolate on May 8, 2006 04:39 PM
@#91
"Hey, barkeep, pour me another whiskey." *slumps over bar*
"Jessica's Left Boob, don't you think you've had enough?" *wiping glasses*
"Doncha tell ME when I've had enough, I'll tell me when I've..."*slides off seat, nipple lands in spitoon*
*mumbling from inside spitoon*
"Damn, I've gotta award show to go to..."
95. Posted by Feed_Me_Chocolate on May 8, 2006 04:40 PM
@93
Good eagle eyes! You get a Chocolate Star(fish).
Oops, sorry, I was thinking of TC. (thank you, bigjim)
96. Posted by adrijade on May 8, 2006 04:41 PM
i think she looks monochromatic. i love jessica simpson. maybe a darker red, a little less pink in front. and then a totally new dress because that one is just a mess. i dont think her boobs are fake either because they are too droopy for that. maybe she should try a new range of colors, i dont think orange is for her.
97. Posted by pinky_nip on May 8, 2006 04:42 PM
"Jessica Simpson is so Orange"
"HOW ORANGE IS SHE?!?!"
"When she takes a piss it's labeled Tropicana"
Badda Ching
98. Posted by Lala on May 8, 2006 04:44 PM
She's on the downlow with Ronald McDonald and she's using this photo op as a secret signal. You know, to let him know she's thinking about him while she's out in front of her adoring public.
Later on, her and Ron will meet up at Element and knock back a few shots while listening to DJ AM's remix of the McDonald's menu song. Unfortunately though, the Hamburglar will get past the doorman and challenge Ron to a dance-off. Mayor McCheese will declare a tie and Ronald and Jessica will be so drunk, they'll have to be carried out of the club by the Fry Guys.
99. Posted by JungleChik on May 8, 2006 04:44 PM
Wait.. Is that Jessica Simpson or a really bad Lucille Ball impersonator from a seedy lounge in Vegas???
And did she have to choose "Tabby Cat Orange" for her new haircolor?
100. Posted by starvis on May 8, 2006 04:45 PM
You'd think that she wouldn't be getting droopy boobs at such a young age.
101. Posted by Captain Awesome on May 8, 2006 04:47 PM
hahaha, she's broken. She should start wearing bra's because those things are hanging like a pair of nuts.
102. Posted by Land-Man on May 8, 2006 04:47 PM
BigJim is in for a rude awakening when his wife gives birth to a Land-Child.
103. Posted by Dr.Rokter on May 8, 2006 04:48 PM
#94 Hee, hee! Thanks for helping with that one.
104. Posted by 86 on May 8, 2006 04:50 PM
@93 I think we were all distracted by the orange hat Jessica accidently left in the street in the 3rd picture.
105. Posted by Jacq on May 8, 2006 04:53 PM
#91 - *hiccup* What're YOU lookin' at? *hiccup* Let me out, I've gotta barf. Dude, I'm gonna flop, hold me up. *hiccup*
(I can't do any better because I don't know how to type with a surly slur.)
106. Posted by Fisher55 on May 8, 2006 04:54 PM
she kinda reminds me of madonna from dick tracy, except more orange-y
107. Posted by Fisher55 on May 8, 2006 04:55 PM
104, nice observation!
108. Posted by Feed_Me_Chocolate on May 8, 2006 04:57 PM
@102
Yeah right, BigJim would kick your ass, you twerp.
109. Posted by TrannyGranny on May 8, 2006 04:59 PM
97 awesome!
her tits look like an elephant seals nose
(jessicas, not P-nip's)
110. Posted by Fisher55 on May 8, 2006 05:02 PM
BigJim is stronger, but LandMan is way better hung (duh)
111. Posted by Feed_Me_Chocolate on May 8, 2006 05:02 PM
She also pulled off her blackened nipple (too much tanning, you know) and made it into a ring.
112. Posted by Feed_Me_Chocolate on May 8, 2006 05:04 PM
LandMan also happens to be a junior high boy.
113. Posted by Feed_Me_Chocolate on May 8, 2006 05:05 PM
With a telescoping penis. (Remember how he kept on changing his mind about how long he is?)
114. Posted by lylah785 on May 8, 2006 05:05 PM
ok i think the hair is ok.. as for her crazy ass boob!.. looks like gravity has gotten the best of them.. :-P
115. Posted by BigJim on May 8, 2006 05:08 PM
#110:
Or so he would have you believe. I am honest about my seven inches. A guy like land-bitch, who has to spend so much time talking about the size of his root, must need to read about particle physics just to have theoretical proof of its existence.
116. Posted by ImCurly on May 8, 2006 05:08 PM
haa haaa! That's hilarious, her boobs in that dress ... the dress is so tight, they can't go anywhere but out and down ... lmao !!
117. Posted by Land-Man on May 8, 2006 05:20 PM
#113, look up the word 'telescoping', you have used it incorrectly.
FYI. My Land-Cock is seriously 11". And I'm a college graduate.
118. Posted by Clisted on May 8, 2006 05:26 PM
I suupose it's still better than her sister getting the nose job
http://www.starkedny.com/archives/ashlee-gets-a-new-nose
119. Posted by Feed_Me_Chocolate on May 8, 2006 05:28 PM
Oh my gosh, you are an idiot. I think you need to get your money back on that college "degree". I don't need to look up the definition of telescoping. FYI, telescoping has another meaning besides the obvious. Telescoping means that it has the ability to extend and retract, by means of graduating cylinders inside one of the other. Get your facts straight before you try to correct me, since your vocabulary is limited to things pertaining to penises. Idiot.
120. Posted by Feed_Me_Chocolate on May 8, 2006 05:30 PM
P.S.
Go back to pumping your penis.
121. Posted by Nikk The Templar on May 8, 2006 05:32 PM
Why did I look at this? And I just ate, too.
122. Posted by Dr.Rokter on May 8, 2006 05:34 PM
#105 I thought you did fine. I know what you mean about drunken dialogue: I used to try and get wasted and type with my face to get that drunken "feel". Hard to hit the shift key.
123. Posted by Land-Man on May 8, 2006 05:35 PM
Feed_Me_Chocolate:
No, you are definitely wrong. And even more of an idiot for trying to defend your incorrect usage of 'telescoping'. Look it up, I dare you.
124. Posted by krisdylee on May 8, 2006 05:37 PM
Prove it Land-Man.......
125. Posted by Feed_Me_Chocolate on May 8, 2006 05:38 PM
Air-Cock:
v. tel·e·scoped, tel·e·scop·ing, tel·e·scopes
v. tr.
To cause to slide inward or outward in overlapping sections, as the cylindrical sections of a small hand telescope do.
To make more compact or concise; condense.
v. intr.
To slide inward or outward in or as if in overlapping cylindrical sections: a camp bucket that telescopes into a disk.
I think YOU are definitely wrong.
126. Posted by krisdylee on May 8, 2006 05:38 PM
I mean about the length. I have no idea what telescoping means.
127. Posted by Land-Man on May 8, 2006 05:39 PM
Prove that my cock is huge or that Feed_Me_Cock is retarded?
128. Posted by Land-Man on May 8, 2006 05:40 PM
Can you read, moron? You just proved my point.
129. Posted by Spindoc on May 8, 2006 05:41 PM
WTF is up with her titts?!?!?!
130. Posted by Land-Man on May 8, 2006 05:41 PM
krisdylee:
You bet I can. Come over to the Land-Mansion and I'll give you a glimpse.
131. Posted by Feed_Me_Chocolate on May 8, 2006 05:42 PM
My original comment was that you can't decide what size your penis is supposed to be. Therefore, it's like you have a friggin TELESCOPING penis; you can extend and retract is LIKE A TELESCOPE, since it's FAKE TO BEGIN WITH.
132. Posted by Color me stoked on May 8, 2006 05:43 PM
! 11 inches sounds painful
133. Posted by Land-Man on May 8, 2006 05:50 PM
Don't worry baby, Land-Man will be gentle.
134. Posted by Jacq on May 8, 2006 06:00 PM
#122 - I AM wasted and only typing with one eye open, but no one can see that. Everything's slurred in my head.
135. Posted by Wild Rose on May 8, 2006 06:03 PM
I literally LOL'ed when I saw this pic...could her tit look any worse? I can envision her as she demanded an orange dress..."It needs to be *Orange*, dammit...I don't care how poorly it fits. What? My tits look like they're protruding sacs of shit? Doesn't matter...it's *Orange*!!!!"
Her stylist should be fired after this. If she was truly trying to make a fashion statement, royal blue would have been the correct choice to comliment her hair, and it is a very hot now. She could have found a number of sexy designer dresses in that colour.
136. Posted by Sodomy_is_for_Girls on May 8, 2006 06:14 PM
You know, I decided to log in after #94 just to pay homage to beauty of the post.
Then I read the rest of the posts about the war over "Telescoping".
Land Man, I've said it before, and I have no doubt that you will give me cause to say it again, but: you are a fucking idiot.
She has you dead to rights.
Telescoping as an adjective means exactly what she says it does.
Given that you oscillate between having a three millimeter penis that requires viagra to keep your balls dry and a monster log that violates the very laws of scaling as defined by physics, depending on your posts, the idea of "telescoping" is perfectly accurate.
TCLTC
Wow, I had all these vitriolic posts to make about everything, but that really sucked everything I have out of me.
Oh, yeah: just because nobody has mentioned it in a long time: Mamacita loves the fecalphilia...(SOM, ergo, sum).
137. Posted by Sodomy_is_for_Girls on May 8, 2006 06:19 PM
fecalphelia, sorry.
138. Posted by cibby on May 8, 2006 06:21 PM
Jessica Simpson is evolving before our very eyes...
I think that Dukes of Hazzard movie really put a strain on her...
139. Posted by _goodeyesniper_ on May 8, 2006 06:23 PM
This is why women should never get implants. If someone as rich as jessica simpson, who surely with her fame and money would have acess to the best surgeons and highest quality implants cannot get a doctor who is able to do a surgery that will have no negative side effects and not make her boobs look scary, how can anyone else expected to? It looks like the implants are slidding too far down on her.
140. Posted by hotintempe on May 8, 2006 06:37 PM
Her tits look ugly from the side, and what her stomach sticking out?
141. Posted by Star Maker Machinery on May 8, 2006 06:39 PM
Somebody's implants have been punctured. The silicone has probably gone to her head.
142. Posted by ellaminnowpea on May 8, 2006 06:51 PM
the orange oopaloompa.....
143. Posted by sunglassali on May 8, 2006 07:14 PM
azcoyote - The picture actually proves that they ARENT fake. . . you dont know much about boobs now do ya!?
144. Posted by Land-Man on May 8, 2006 07:28 PM
You're right, my Land-Cock is a telescope...it's the 200" Mount Palomar Observatory. I also have a 60' Refractor with Gamma Radiation Detection capabilities down there.
'Telescoping' is wrong because it implies that the object tapers-off to become progressively larger or smaller. The ol' Land-Cock is a perfect cylinder.
145. Posted by Jacq on May 8, 2006 08:22 PM
She has to go strapless so she can adequately scratch her armpits like other orange-utans. Oooh, oooh, ooh, EEEE, EEEE, EEE!
I bet she has nipples under there the size of silver dollar pancakes and her ass is raw from being spanked by her dad.
146. Posted by BigJim on May 8, 2006 08:40 PM
Feed me is correct. Land-bitch is a brainless invertebrate who's finest moment would have been a first trimester abortion.
Normally I don't like to rag on people, but Land-tot, I truly hate you. I hope you die. I mean I hope the crabs that have infested your infinitesimal crotch mutate into larger carnivores that devour you a piece at time while you writhe in agony.
If that doesn't happen, then I'll settle for you just setting yourself on fire. Do us all a favor and get on it.
147. Posted by Loon on May 8, 2006 08:50 PM
Her dress is almost the same shade of orange as the traffic cone in the third picture.
148. Posted by j.lu on May 8, 2006 08:57 PM
AHH... scary penis boobs!
You can tell she applied that fake tan herself by the scary orange palms in the first pic.
149. Posted by here on May 8, 2006 09:09 PM
Those are smallish, but with a great shape. On her hands and knees, good floppers. But also, if she tore off the 10 lbs of underwire, standing. I guess I should split her in two.
150. Posted by Pearly on May 8, 2006 09:14 PM
It's a wig! Ooops..oh well. Her bangs are still pink and she's still orange.
151. Posted by gammanormids on May 8, 2006 09:25 PM
first, why the title says "jessica simpson goes red"? shouldn't say she goes orange?
Anyway, how anyone in his/her right mind could think she looks ok? She looks fake, she looks stupider than ever, she looks as she was dressed by her worst enemy... I hate women who like to look all superficial? Do they think they look pretty?, Welll, in her case it's easy as she never thinks.
And no more tan for you, miss! You can't tell the difference between dress and skin
I hope a bunch of hungry rabbits eat her.
152. Posted by krisdylee on May 8, 2006 09:28 PM
I came twice after reading post #146...
153. Posted by hey_luv on May 8, 2006 09:31 PM
she should of at least tried wearing a strapless bra to keep the boobs from falling all the way down her belly. also, the dress is orange, and shes wearing black heels? hmm reminds me of halloween.
154. Posted by CruisingForCock on May 8, 2006 09:35 PM
I don't know...I don't know. So confused...torn really. I love Land-man.
I'm not picking sides - just saying - love him.
155. Posted by CruisingForCock on May 8, 2006 09:37 PM
Does anyone else read the comments from the bottom to the top?
156. Posted by krisdylee on May 8, 2006 09:38 PM
No, but I'd lick you from the bottom to the top....
157. Posted by TrannyGranny on May 8, 2006 09:38 PM
Bigjim
that shit was Funny! Course I also think the Land-o-nator is funny in his own way. I guess what I am trying to say is that I haven't seen a lame bananas post today, and i am so praying she, he, it offed itself. Or at the very least was covered in Gravy Train and thrown to a crazed pack of poodles...thanks Berke Breathed, wherever the fuck you are now.
158. Posted by CruisingForCock on May 8, 2006 10:00 PM
Meet you at the Land-mansion, Krisdylee. Bring Jacq - according to Sherry-co, Jacq (like me) always up for a gang-bang...
159. Posted by Color me stoked on May 8, 2006 10:31 PM
krisdylee
are you like really horny?
160. Posted by krisdylee on May 8, 2006 10:52 PM
Isn't it past your bedtime sweetie-pie???
161. Posted by Color me stoked on May 8, 2006 11:02 PM
ouch
I was just asking.
162. Posted by Color me stoked on May 8, 2006 11:04 PM
and actually its 11:30
so not quite yet
;D
163. Posted by krisdylee on May 8, 2006 11:12 PM
You can stay up with the big people if you can keep up with the big people.
164. Posted by cami_calzone on May 8, 2006 11:41 PM
holy crap... Jessica, your beautiful, but please, keep your blonde hair and put those huge knockers in some supportive underwear before they hit your knees or anyone else's head!
165. Posted by gogoboots on May 9, 2006 12:01 AM
it all looks to weird for me to comment on. that dress is ill-fitting for the size of her boobs, actually...
166. Posted by nikki on May 9, 2006 12:05 AM
DID NO ONE SEE HER BEFORE SHE LEFT THE HOUSE??????
WHAT'S THE POINT OF HANGING OUT WITH KEN PAVES IF YOU CONTINUE TO LOOK SOOOOO AWFUL ON SUCH A REGULAR BASIS?????
167. Posted by nikki on May 9, 2006 12:06 AM
TOM CRUISE LOVES THE COCK!!!!!!!!!!!!
168. Posted by Sarah on May 9, 2006 12:26 AM
Jessica Simpson, if you ever try to steal the color of my hair, I will be forced to kick your ass, you scrawny little bitch.
And yeah, what the hell is up with her rack? Did she stick a couple of cans of spam in there or something? It looks like they're melting..
169. Posted by stinawarriorprincess on May 9, 2006 01:04 AM
Scary.
170. Posted by SilverBaked on May 9, 2006 01:06 AM
vitriolic this: you'd have to put on a fuckin orange wig if your fuckin dad fucked you just before you fuckin left the fuckin house, too.
171. Posted by ebayfan414 on May 9, 2006 01:38 AM
DOOOOOOOO your boobs hang low, do they wobble to and fro, can you tie 'em in a knot, can you tie 'em in a bow, can you shove 'em up lindsay lohan's pussy or into snoops AFFRROOOO!!!! do your booobs....hang.....lowwwww
DOOOO your boobs hang low, do they wobble to and fro, can rosie odenell suck the nipples can ellen degeneres drink the milk, do your tits..haaaanggg looowww!!!
172. Posted by URalllosers on May 9, 2006 01:42 AM
Shouldn't she be in Sudan helping kids get plastic surgery to fix their ugly war scars? Yknow, like her little sister's ugly old nose. God bless her and her scrotum boobs!
173. Posted by boobtube on May 9, 2006 02:00 AM
looks uglier than a can filled to the brim of smashed assholes
174. Posted by Gerald Tarrant on May 9, 2006 02:22 AM
Like I said on a few other Jessica threads, she looks like 10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound bag.
175. Posted by Fa Cube Itches on May 9, 2006 02:47 AM
Well, on the upside, Tonga the orangutan tried to fuck her.....
176. Posted by Fa Cube Itches on May 9, 2006 02:49 AM
Also, why is she demonstrating the "Taser" (a cousin of the "Shocker") in pic 1?
177. Posted by tarjamarja on May 9, 2006 03:37 AM
Someone forgot to take a look in the mirror before going out - how else could you possibly justify that horrible dress?
She looks pretty from the neck up, though. Hair, face, tan and all. And even with that awful dress, I wonder where's she hiding those extra 20 pounds (or so) she's supposedly gained since the split...
178. Posted by WTF on May 9, 2006 05:37 AM
Eh, sorry but ashlee is acutally looking better....jessica reminds me of a oompa-loompa.
By the way: BigJim I found your REAL PICTURE.....you dirty dog!!!
http://www.bikerkiss.com/s20e457e973561ca6/user_details?prof_id=15416808&hst_id=17439022&count=499&w=quick_search&results_order=profiles_not_viewed&from=40&offset=20&frompage=search_results
179. Posted by SoupaSarah on May 9, 2006 05:48 AM
Well it proves her breasts are real because if they were fake they would still look pert even though she obv isnt wearing a bra. Shame shes turned munting since splitting with that bloke from that band on that tv show wiv her.
(8) Make way for the S---O---V (8)
180. Posted by tarjamarja on May 9, 2006 07:15 AM
I can't help but feel compassionate for Jessica - life must be so hard when you're a retard.
181. Posted by Krissy on May 9, 2006 07:50 AM
Her boobs take the shape of an ant eater...it's disgusting. I am going to go and throw up now!!!
182. Posted by vicki17xoxo on May 9, 2006 08:20 AM
ok...normally i really like jessica simpson...but lately shes just been a pain in my rectum, And these pictures are really starting to freak me out!
183. Posted by speedyplastic on May 9, 2006 09:48 AM
You just know that disembodied hand belongs to her crazy ass father. He has issues.
184. Posted by Equalparts on May 9, 2006 10:15 AM
:SIGH:
It's: "Do the Curtains match the carpet?"
185. Posted by BadassFred on May 9, 2006 10:19 AM
Whoever let her out of the house wearing that thing must have really hated her.
186. Posted by Gerald Tarrant on May 9, 2006 10:58 AM
Equalparts, let's think about it for a sec.
You say: Do the Curtains match the carpet?
Actually it is does the rug match the drapes, or some variation. Your statement doesn't work because you are asking does the hair on her head match the hair around her vagina. By your statement it would appear that you know what color her pubes are and not what color her head is. Another reason you are wrong, Jessica is shaved all the way down, I know I was there last night. True story.
187. Posted by Iambananas on May 9, 2006 11:29 AM
Overexposed
188. Posted by oshkoshb-goshdammgosh on May 9, 2006 12:26 PM
I told you guys MeganHarris was Jessica Simpson. I think all the plastic molding and chicken wire that was holding her together is finally starting to give...
189. Posted by lesleyannf on May 9, 2006 12:58 PM
#12 so she's been hanging out with Britney then?
190. Posted by lucycharms on May 9, 2006 12:58 PM
Her stylist should be so fired.... it takes alot of work to make perfectly good boobs look this bad.
She looks like she drank carrot juice for a week straight....
Jessica Simpson Orange Queen.
191. Posted by azcoyote on May 9, 2006 03:13 PM
#143 - Admittedly, my knowledge of tits is as a consumer and not as a producer but I can assure you those are fake... Here come some links...
Link #1
http://www.awfulplasticsurgery.com/archives/005186.html
192. Posted by azcoyote on May 9, 2006 03:14 PM
Fake Proof Link #2
http://www.goodplasticsurgery.com/archives/004052.html
193. Posted by azcoyote on May 9, 2006 03:15 PM
And finally...
Grapefruit Link #3
http://www.awfulplasticsurgery.com/archives/004051.html#4051
So #143... Looks like I know more about boobs than you at least.... 8)
194. Posted by raggatt on May 10, 2006 12:10 AM
Any idiot knows Feed_Me_Chocolate defined and used "telescoping" exactly right.
I wouldn't have felt the need to say anything but Land Man's loudmouthed stupidity is just too much to let pass. He calls out that the word was used incorrectly, without first bothering to look it up? It would have taken less than a minute to google before he made a fool of himself.
Based on his linguistic skills, he probably thinks "inches" mean milimeters. Asshat.
195. Posted by raggatt on May 10, 2006 01:10 AM
ooops. *"inch" means millimeter*
Whatever. It was lame enough the 1st time...
196. Posted by billabong021 on May 11, 2006 01:10 PM
check out those titties man, bet if u sqeez them they go HOnk HOnk
197. Posted by felisha on June 8, 2006 10:44 PM
LUCY, UV GOT SUM SPLANIN 2 DO!!!!! lol