didn't want to know that.

If by "tantric," he means, "suprisingly sloppy," who HASN'T done that?

You know, it's nice to see that fat girls are getting laid, too. It gives all us strikingly attractive girls a break.

Thank God! Tantric sex needed a new spokesperson, because Sting is such a dirty old stinky perv. Scarlett, you fat lucky bitch!

Does Josh swing both ways?

I already read this somewhere, yawn, old news! Scarlett is not fat by any stretch of the imagination...

Why is this news? Scarlet Johansen likes sex. She happens to be hot which makes men and women want to have it with her...wow.

Funny, this is the second of the three "girls-ide-go-gay-for" on the site today...what are you trying to tell me Superficial?

Who the fuck are these people and who really gives a flying fuck!?!

If I was bangin' her it would take me a long time to "finish" too because SHE'S SO DAMN UGLY!!!! But go ahead Josh, claim it's the tantric sex...sure, we believe you. No really, we do.

U! G! L! Y! She ain't got no alibi....

don't knock the tantric until ya try it... it's good stuff. and i'm pretty sure i'd go gay for scarlett too.

He must be more awake in the sack than he is on camera...either that or she goes for the monosyllabic type.

Scarlett: "Oh Josh, I just love the way you touch me."
Hartnett: "Og"
Scarlett: "Yes, take me man meat!"
Hartnett: "Ul?"
Scarlett: "Yes, there!"
Hartnett: "Ul?"

What I think about when I hear about tantric sex is...don't you people get SORE if you're doing it for hours upon hours?

Don't quote me, but somewhere I think I read that if your right hand learns a "mystical sex meditation technique" - your palms start growing hair and it will eventually lead to blindness.

#13 -- outstanding.

Josh Harnett is a liar and a crack addict. He is not having sex with Scarlett Johansson. He isn't OLD enough.

C'mon on Hartnett, get to the back of the line with the rest of us.

Well # 3 and #4 I can understand your intent to be funny but I haven't noticed Scarlett being fatjust wondering where that is coming from.

Your comments are not funny!

And sweetcheeks - maybe you should post your skinniest picture and we'll all write that you are fat, which from the sounds of it you probably are.

And... my post is funny!

Sorry, SORRY, Ashlee! I forget how sensitive fat girls are!

You know you're post is REALLY funny when you close it by saying, "my post is funny!"

You probably could have closed it with "I have a huge ass," or "I'm angry and alone."

How does one post a picture?

#17, nice burn. Anyone who has to finish their post by stating that it is funny should be ripped a new a-hole

#16 No, it is not.

Sting used to blather on about that same B.S. claiming that he and his wife would have sex for 7 hours. Then years later he admitted that the first 6 1/2 hours were for dinner, a movie and the begging.

Because I have this great picture of me in a velveteen bikini. A real must-see.

He's just with her for the Lipstick!!!

Remember?

Spindoc -- doesn't MOST sex require 6 1/2 hours of begging? I mean, once you're married.

Unless you're Paris Hilton, then your estimated beg time is 15-20 seconds.

FUCK HARTNETT!

You know guys, stating they have 'tantric' sex is simply another way of saying they do anal.

p.s. anyway, isn't tantric the same as karma sutra? I'm confused.

why would he say that??? he knows it would get published...

now he's a horney sex machine lol

Sweetcheeks you are HILARIOUS!!

Just not in the funny way...more in the "I have self-esteem issues and am therefore bitter at any woman that has nice looks and/or is hot" way.

First you have 5 posts in the Hilary Swank story where you keep insisting that her boobs are fake and now 4 posts here where apparently you need to insist that Scarlett Johansson is fat and disgusting. Nice.

This blog is like your public shrink's couch and you're starting to reveal too much. You're scaring the children.

Oh, one more thing...

Scarlett Johannson is smoking hot and Hilary Swank's breasts are spectacular. So sayeth everyone but you.

Us oldsters traded sexual energy the old fashioned way, we banged the hell out of each other. We still do. Every time I hear the "Indian" take on things I can't get past the "fresh glass of piss in the morning to partake of my own essence", or the coitus interuptus whereby the man compresses his vas defrens between his legs at the moment of truth to prevent ejaculation forcing his semen into his bladder so he doesn't "waste" his essence and thereby reabsorbing it. Sounds neat huh? My question is, if most Indians practiced it, and it takes hours and hours, why the hell do they seem to be reproducing like fucking bunnies? I mean 1 billion and counting. I think they just boink the hell out of each other like everyone else, and Tantric Sex was thought up, like so many other bogus stuff by a bunch of bored priests as a practical joke to be played on the rest of us. I mean really, have you TRIED any of the positions in the Kamra Sutra? Jeez...just push her legs behind her ears and nail her spine to the mattress, works every time. Although I don't think Scarlett would bend like that, but my size 1 120 lb 50 yer old sweetie does...Sex is wasted on the young... cause they don't know what they are doing.

Is it me or does Scarlett J. look like a Mae West byblow? Can't you just see her in 30 years syaing, "C'mon over here, big boy!"

Ok, I just skeeved my self out. Ew.

NOW THAT'S FUNNY!!! ;-)

i thought tantric sex was having sex without actually touching your partner. like, bringing each other to a climax through loving and intimate gazes or some shit like that.

in that case, i bet hartnett THOUGHT he was having tantric sex with scarlett johansson those nights when he would stare at her through he bedroom windows while she was changing....

I don't care how hot Scarlet is, after 15 minutes I'm losing interest and just want a nap.

#29 I know that's you dad.
I hate it when you talk about sex with mom. Gross.

Well Sweetcheeks,

I sure angered you didn't I! You responded so quickly and frequently to my comment. I must have hit on a sensitive self-esteem issue (as #28 Sidius points out). And I take it back, you are funny because you sure have me laughing at you over here.

Have a good day

In the famous words of my Idol!!!

"Can we all just get along"

*Can't* my bad

#33 Just when I started twitching and having flashbacks to high school from this thread, you made me laugh my head off at work in front of everyone else. So now I REALLY have problems.

Me love you long time!

Mae West is hot.

Ashlee, by funny do you mean pedantic and retarded? Please clarify. Oh, wait. You're Ashlee Simpson, right?
Explains plenty.

I disagree Sidius. Scarlett is not hot. She's interesting looking in that "who does she remind me of? hmmmm" way, but "hot"?? You need to get out more Sidius.

Tantra is a principle usually associated with spirituality and Buddhism. Sex is one of the "paths" and all the paths are supposedly for *cough* spiritual enlightenment. Tantra uses stuff to heighten the senses and get the two (or three or ) people intensely hot -- then you get the dick/vagina connection started and basically dont move for hours and that's supposed to build up to mind blowing energy. Ever hear the term "Kundalini"?

Therapsists in the 80s were apparently recommedning "tantra" (without the "spiritual purpose") to people who were sexually uptight or b-o-r-e-d.

Here are a few of the things that happen during tantric sex:

The Dirty Sanchez
The Rusty Trombone
Buttering the Corn
Chewing the Whisker Biscuit
Twisting the Pink Squirrel
Getting some stanky on your panky
Monkey Wrasselin'
Greasing the Crotch Rocket
Puttin' cash in the sausage wallet
Beaver Training between the sheets
Paint the taint dark brown
Filet momma's tunafish

Please feel free to add as I am interested in pleasing some of the ladies that post here when we meet at the Superficial convention later this year in Aruba. 164 out of 165 high school students agree that Aruba is great!

What about the 165th?

#42 you forgot:
Hide the Salami
Doing the Mattress Mambo
and teh Horizontal Bop (see tantra involves lots of dancing)
and Getting Your Red Flight Wings

Tossing the salad

#43- Natalie Hollaway wouldn't agree.

Also, the "saucy carlito." Mmmm... saucy.

The "Strawberry Milkshake"

Cojo - does a Strawberry Milkshake trump Dirty Sanchez for obscenity? I'm an immediate fan.

Sweetcheeks,

It's mmmmm....saucie

i can see how you'd think scarlet is hot, you know in that pale fat girl way, wtg!

There's also the Hilton (so named after our little Paris) which involves banging as many people in your Daddy's hotel in 7 hours. I am pretty sure the top score to beat is 69,669.

Trotter - The obscenity level of the strawberry milkshake is debateable...(forgive me, I'm at work, and well, you never know, so see if you can decode this)...it's when a guy um..."releases" in the girls mouth and then punches her in the chin.

I am starting to read thesuperficial comments specifically for PapaHotNuts. God Bless the Internets!

Cojo- I got to know what the Strawberry Milkshake is.

Saucie- I was in L.A. last week. The number is actually 69,670. Anybody got a cure for herpes?

First of all tantric sex is overrated BS. I don't need my vagina busted for five hours straight and if I did, I wouldn't brag about it!

I agree with #28. sweetcheeks = coo-coo bananas.

Sweetcheeks posts nothing but sad, juvenile comments about the female celebrities here. I realize this is TS but honey if you're going to "diss", at least make an effort to say something even remotely CLEVER. A five year old can go around calling everyone fat and ugly, it doesn't take any intelligence. What's the point?

The only other posts she makes are congratulating other people on their genuinely funny contributions. Truly she is an valuable asset to this website.

It's all more than a little odd, and #28 put it perfectly.

Now about that velveteen bikini, sweetcheeks... http://www.imageshack.us

I say you put up or shut up because it's already old and I've been on this site for just two days.

------
28 said:
Sweetcheeks you are HILARIOUS!!

Just not in the funny way...more in the "I have self-esteem issues and am therefore bitter at any woman that has nice looks and/or is hot" way.

First you have 5 posts in the Hilary Swank story where you keep insisting that her boobs are fake and now 4 posts here where apparently you need to insist that Scarlett Johansson is fat and disgusting. Nice.

This blog is like your public shrink's couch and you're starting to reveal too much. You're scaring the children.

Oh, one more thing...

Scarlett Johannson is smoking hot and Hilary Swank's breasts are spectacular. So sayeth everyone but you.

----------

i wouldn't mind being as "fat" as scarlett johansson if it gets me josh harnett

my understanding of a Strawberry Milkshake is fucking a chick with her period on "red alert" while unsheathed and cumming inside.

Sorry, I didn't say it first.

This is rather odd...

I sent this tip about Ms. Lohan embracing the same religion as Ms. Spears, Madonna, etc., and the Superficial posted an article from the Sun, on that page, the same link, about Scarlett...

very funny...

#42 -
Bumping Uglies
Oiling the Catcher's Mitt

And my personal favorite:
The Angry Pirate
(Where the guy releases, yes we'll stick with that term, in the girls eye then kicks her in the shin. Then, she hops around like an angry pirate!)

I find it interesting that anyone deemed "Cancer Nipples" can use the word "juvenile" in any sense but self-deprication.

That was a lot of time and effort spent there, Cancer Nips. Time and effort you could have spent at the gym. Working out.

Because you're fat.

Oh, and thanks for showing me how to post pics! Get ready for an arsenal of sexiness.

http://www.img344.imageshack.us/img344/3021/fatgirl21tt.jpg

Well, apparently imageshack's server is down. You'll just have to imagine it. It's GLORIOUS.

Forgive my battology, Cancer Nips. I am not at all suprised that a grampus like you loves Scarlett Johansson so much.

Come on sweet cheeks, I'm on your side, but I gotta see the shots of ya! Put 'em up right! Also, #60 very funny, HILARIOUS in fact.. Angry Pirate :o)

If "going gay for scarlett" involves me finishing in her face then sign me up.

To #31 above. Nicely done. Points out that oldie that people imagine their performance differently from how their partners likely perceived them. That said, I wonder how Scarlett is perceiving the sex I think I'm having with her right now?

#63 -- What did I do wrong with the pic? Argh.. I was so sure I did it correctly. Bastards.

Remember, though, I am almost thirty, so I can remember a time where the "internet" was still the "information superhighway," and you could go from the beginnning to the end in about an hour.

So please explain PRECISELY how to post a pic, as though you were explaining it to a mongoloid sixteenth-century bootblack. I want to put my photo on the net!

You know, so that later, my son will learn the oh-so-important lesson of SHAME.

Here's some more from the Vault (not affiliated with VAULT SODA BEVERAGE)
1. Peruvian Breakfast
2. The Carbonated Spin Cycle
3. Chocolate Weasel Biter
4. The Flying Carpet Muncher
5. Hannukah Surprise
6. Dirty Bird Two-Step
7. The Violent Pretzel with Cheese
8. Draped Up and Dripped Out (Know what I'm talkin' 'bout?)
9. Lemons Don't Belong There
10. Find the Clitoris
11. Asshole Algebra
12. Paper Cut Royale
13. Icicle Brain Stab
14. A Wet Dry Dutch Baby
and, of course, 15. Seven Up Yours
P.S. There's no such thing as Tantric Sex. That term was just made up by the government in the '70's to piss off hippies who couldn't get it up.

P.S.S. I'm a big slut.

I think I had the "Peruvian Breakfast" about an hour ago.

It involved juevos rancheros, some benwah balls, Astroglide and the ironing board, followed by a reading from the third chapter of Ezekiel.

You know Peruvians can't do anything without quoting scripture.

Oshkosh, I've decided you are as funny as PapaHotNuts and that I love you.

Just what I need - more stalkers...

Ok nevermind, because I'm not really sure how to stalk someone on the internet. I'm only used to stalking people that report the local evening news and that serve me my coffee at the local Waffle House.

I think I'm gonna go stalk Josh Hartnett. Yeah - I'm gonna show up at his doorstep in a blonde wig with two big hams taped to my chest and tell him that my attempts to reach him by phone were "lost in translation". Then he is going to make love to me... for SEVEN HOURS.

#56, Cancer Nipples, this is the best sentance so far...
"First of all tantric sex is overrated BS. I don't need my vagina busted for five hours straight and if I did, I wouldn't brag about it!"

LOL!!! I picture in my mind Scarletts callused leathery vagina needing 5 hours before feeling any senstaion. LOL!!! Shit, that one will keep me laughing today.

Scarlett Johansson used to be a man. You cant make this stuff up!!!

Okay, I'm trying again with the photo. Hopefully this one works...
http://i79.photobucket.com/albums/j122/lolabranst/fatgirl2.jpg

Thanks for the help, M --

Check out the ample cleavage, Cancer Nips.

Sweetcheeks, if that pic is really you, you are one brave fat chick. Brave, but nawt hawt.

your completely right. scarlett's fucking HUGE!!!!!!! and dont even get me started on that cow jessica alba!!!! wtf? damn these fat bitches. pretty soon the world is going to explode and the fat whores like kate moss will take over the world's food population. tsk. at least tom cruise will save us all with his spaceship

Don't forget the "Captain Morgan" - the bloody cousin of the Dirty Sanchez.

Then there's:

The Pearl Harbor

The Peanut Butter & Jelly

The "Hey, he looks like you!"

The Walrus

and, while not strictly sexual, The Dutch Oven.

Josh Hartnett isn't the first guy to get into Johansson's pants and he probably won't be the last.

What Scarlet really needs is Cleveland Steamer.

I do not bone Scarlett Jo, and I never will. This fact fills me with an ineffable sadness.

But, if I am not going to check the oil of this glorious, dead-sexy chick, the next best thing is thinking of her screaming and red-faced in orgiastic ecstacy for hours on end, her hair standing straight up on her head, sweat pouring down her face, her heart about to explode from pleasure.

In summation ... yeah, it's an image that's exceptionally easy to masturbate to. See ya'll in ten minutes ....