November 02, 2005

Nicole Richie Is A Winner

When I woke up this morning I brushed my teeth with my feet and took a dump in the microwave. My car was a toaster and the only thing on tv was a bunch of blue cats singing the Soviet national anthem. I realized then that I'd stepped into bizarro world, which is the only explanation for Nicole Richie receiving the Young Hollywood's Style Icon award from Hollywood Life magazine. "I get ready pretty fast," said the Simple Life star. Richie's stylist revealed that the poster-child for eating disorders often waits "until the last minute" to get ready. "She's so low-maintenance because she's so beautiful naturally. Like her skin, it's so perfect that she doesn't need a lot of makeup. She never ever wears makeup during the day."

Now normally I have nothing against young girls being skinny. Particularly if they're also dumb and naked. Yet it would be remiss of me not to say that I now find Nicole Richie about as sexually attractive as my grandfather, who died in 1972 from a goiter the size of Rhode Island. Seriously, this girl's a mess.

• Nicole Richie's Style Secrets [People]

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