September 23, 2005
Vida Guerra knows how to dress
It takes a bold woman to pull off a shirt like that. And by bold, I mean big-breasted. And by big-breasted I mean slightly whorish. And by slightly whorish I mean looks like a bottle of shampoo. And by looks like a bottle of shampoo I mean the mailman. And by mailman I mean where the fuck is my Netflix DVD? I ordered that thing like two weeks ago.
More after the jump.
Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart still together
When did Harrison Ford grow man boobs? Indiana Jones is supposed to be manly hot, not womanly I have breasts hot. Although I must admit, breasts are pretty hot.
Angelina Jolie steals people
Despite claiming in adoption papers that the biological mother of Angelina Jolie's newly adopted daughter, Zahara, was dead, Britain's The Sun has reportedly tracked down 18-year-old Mentaweb Dawit, who claims she is Zahara's birth mother. Although she does not object to the adoption, her reappearance may cause some problems for Jolie:
"The adoption could be illegal because the law in Ethiopia says that if the mother is still alive she must give her consent and in this case that may not have happened. The adoptive mother must appear in court to nullify the old papers and re-apply for adoption. The baby's mother must also appear to give her consent."
I'm no legal expert, but doesn't this make Angelina Jolie some sort of serial kidnapper? Yet she hasn't been subjected to the law, and why? Because she's a celebrity, that's why. She steals a person's child and another person's husband, and she gets called a "philanthropist" and a "sexy siren." Meanwhile, I lure a few teenage girls into the shadows and suddenly I'm a "flasher" and a "pimp" and a "diagnosed psychopath."
Equality under the law my ass.
Cameron Diaz is rude
According to IMDB, Cameron Diaz reportedly "lost her patience" with photographers who were taking her picture during a press conference for her new movie, In Her Shoes, at the Toronto Film Festival.
She snapped, "Okay, collectively, how many pictures do you guys think you have? Seriously, do you communicate like this in the bedroom as well? It's insane. I'm having a nervous breakdown with all that clicking."
I could understand it if Cameron Diaz were in her bathroom and really needed some privacy, but somebody should let her know that press conferences usually involve the flashing of cameras and the asking of questions. Somebody should also let her know that just because she pinches a loaf in the middle of a press conference, it doesn't mean that she's in her bathroom, and it doesn't mean the cameras are going to stop flashing. It is, however, just plain rude. Honestly, Cameron, we expect this kind of behavior from Drew Barrymore, but not from you. Then again, when Drew Barrymore takes a dump in the middle of a large crowd, it's oddly cute. Like a puppy. And I really don't know why...
Paris Hilton gets children hammered
Paris Hilton is at the centre of a Maryland police investigation after authorities learned that she allegedly offered some teenagers pot and bourbon to "loosen them up" before they appeared on a taped segment on The Simple Life: Interns. If the allegations are true, Paris could be looking at a hefty fine and possible jail time. Of course, a spokesperson for the FOX Network insists the story isn't true:
"Paris would never endanger the welfare of a minor."
See, that right there is a bold-faced lie. Paris Hilton is a constant threat to everyone's welfare, minors included. After all, the girl's like the Pepé Le Pew of venereal diseases. She walks down the streets, and suddenly all the flowers have wilted and all the children she's passed begin to feel a burning sensation when they pee. Though, to her credit, the whole incident may just have been one of those classic Pepé Le Pew misunderstandings. She probably just mistook the kids for Lindsay Lohan after they unknowingly sat on a bench freshly painted with whore.
David Lynch still confusing people, now in classroom setting
Page Six reported yesterday that Blue Velvet and Mulholland Drive director David Lynch has recently launched the "David Lynch Foundation for Consciousness-Based Education & World Peace," and will be teaching a "Transcendental Meditation" seminar in New York's Peninsula Hotel on September 30th.
Although I've always wanted to know how David Lynch was able to film Naomi Watts masturbating and somehow manage to make it the most un-sexy thing I've ever seen, I don't suspect that he'd be too keen to go over the topic. I do suspect, however, that he'll do something equally as nonsensical and crazy. Like stepping up to the podium with a trombone and half a dozen Hispanic transvestites and singing "Three Times a Lady" backwards. Sure, we may not learn anything, but it will blow our minds. The minds which, incidentally, we'll all be high out of.
September 22, 2005
Jenny McCarthy pees herself on Howard Stern Show
I know Jenny McCarthy is proud of being disgusting, but I think maybe she should draw the line at peeing herself in public. Farting and burping are mildly acceptable, but once you urinate your own pants, somebody needs to just go ahead and put you down. Actually, up until now I didn't even realize it was possible to pee yourself when you were being tickled too hard. I just thought it was an expression, like 'No means no' or 'I'll kill you, you stupid hobo.'
Mariah Carey drinks in public
Look at her face and try not to laugh. I dare you. I also dare you to actually look at her face, because those breasts of hers are out of control.
Charlize Theron has got it all
Have I ever mentioned how Charlize Theron is the best thing to happen to me since that busload of blind supermodels broke down in front of my summer house in Salt Lake City? No? Well she is, and here's why:
Not only is she an Oscar winner, but she's rumored to be in the pre-race race for yet another golden eunuch statue. She's set to guest star on five episodes of the criminally hilarious Arrested Development as of next week. She and I have the same passions (for example: not getting raped). And as if all of that wasn't enough, last Tuesday, she literally kissed Shirley MacLaine's ass, which means one of two things. Either she loves beef jerky, or the girl is way into necrophilia. And if she'll do necro, what won't she do?
Yeah, Charlize Theron is officially the best thing to happen to me, you, and mankind at large. Even my supermodel wives agree. But they still think I'm David Hasselhoff and that David Hasselhoff is an adonis, so I'd take their opinion with a grain of salt.
Scientology wants to "help" Kate Moss
Scientology: it rids you of those overbearing alien souls that inhabit you body and keep you from reaching your full potential. But that's not all! Scientology helped Tom Cruise get rid of all those pesky Hollywood friends and resources. It helped Kirstie Alley finally free herself from the shackles of sex-appeal (only to have the Cult of Jenny Craig come and muck things up). And it helped Jenna Elfman avoid the annoying pangs of self-awareness that would otherwise come from knowing you're a fucking mindless tool. As you can see, it's not just a cult. It's scientifically proven to be a very effective celebrity support group. I mean, it has a word that sounds a lot like "science" right in the name. You can't get any more legitimate than that! So who could possibly be better fit to cure Kate Moss of the drug addiction that's threatening to ruin her career?
Obviously not those over-qualified rehabilitation scams.
Tyra's breasts real; only semi-spectacular
I swear I tried to avoid this story all week, mostly because I've been attempting to suppress the revelation that the once hot Tyra Banks has more or less become a borderline plus-size model with a God complex and bits of honey-glazed ribs stuck in her teeth. But your outpouring of e-mails has backed me up into a corner, now hasn't it?
Tyrant (as America's Next Top Model viewers have dubbed her) managed to almost ruin breasts for us all when she made them the theme of Tuesday's episode of The Tyra Banks Show. First, Extreme Makeover's Dr. Garth Fisher was brought in to perform a sonogram on a braless Tyra Banks, both proving that her breasts are real, and that time makes fools of us all. Then Anna Nicole Smith was brought in to prove that some of us don't need time's help.
And, well, I would continue, but I can't concentrate over the sound of my genitals weeping.
Tara Reid wears deceptive clothing
It's ironic because she's not sexy. Unless sexy means always drunk and has the IQ of maple syrup.
September 21, 2005
Fans Boo Madonna and Guy Richie
During the London premiere of Guy Richie's new movie, Revolver, fans booed Madonna and Mr. Madonna after the couple opted out of signing autographs on the red carpet.
Now that's just not fair. Madonna simply didn't want to steal her husband's thunder. She's really humble that way, you know? It's like how she and her friends claim Kabbalah Water can cure AIDS and cancer, but they don't want to prove it because that would be showboaty. And that's not what Madonna's all about. Madonna's all about being as quiet and low-key as a cone-shaped metal bra. None of this ostentatious crap. That's why nobody understood her fine thespian performance in Swept Away. It was too internal, too human, too real.
Madonna's just a really old soul. That's all. Or at least that's what Demi Moore tells me. But I think she's just trying to coax me into a three-way. She knows my secret fetish is old people souls.
Kirstie Alley is thin-ish!
In case you haven't seen the new Jenny Craig commercials where Kirstie Alley chases a child around the screen and managed to not eat him in a kiddie pool filled with teriyaki sauce, the former Cheers actress has now lost 50 pounds by regularly exercising and limiting her calories through a diet plan.
"When I got fat, I was being stupid. It was a little bit like when I used to do drugs," says Alley, who has long been sober. "Before I stopped doing drugs, I had to spiritually get a grip and go, `What do you want your life to be like?'"
So let's review, shall we? She was a drug addict, and everyone liked her more than Shelley Long. She got seizure-inducingly fat, and everyone still liked her more than Shelley Long. Now she's losing the weight and won't leave us the bloody Hell alone, and everyone still likes her more than Shelley Long. Shelley Who, you ask? Exactly. But if Shelley Long gained over a hundred pounds and walked around going "Fettuuuccineeee!!" I bet you'd know who she was then, right? Or she'd just be some crazy fat lady. But I'm pretty sure "Crazy Fat Lady" is still a step up from "Shelley Long." Just sayin'.
Christina Aguilera is a liar
An obviously bitter and terrible-at-hiding-it Christina Aguilera is altogether far too "excited" about Britney's birth:
"My assistant came in the room when it happened and she's like, 'Britney had a boy!' and I was like, 'Oh my gosh!' I don't know where I was for a while when she was pregnant but it really kicked in at that point. It's like, 'Wow, she had a baby! That's crazy!' I'm overjoyed and thrilled for her. It's such an exciting time in her life and I just wish her the best."
Um, okay there, Fakey McTool. Nobody's that happy about Britney's birth, not even Britney. After all, she brought a perfume into this world the day after birthing her son, and every good parent knows that you only have enough room in your heart to pick one of your children and love that one for the rest of your life. And let's face it, she's going to pick the one without Federline genes in it. Unless there's some secret ingredient in Britney's Fantasy that I should know about... and... kill myself over.
Huh. Who knew that Christina Aguilera would end up being the second grossest part of this article? Not I. Not I.
Lohan in (Surrogate Drunken Hollywood) Parent Trap
Have you ever had one of those days where you've woken up and said to yourself, "I'm not going to let Paris and Nicole's feud take over my life anymore. I'm not going to let it control me. I'm not that person"? Well, not a day goes by that I don't say that to myself. That, and, "I'm really in the mood for a burrito, hoss." Yet I sit here, mouth full of the finest 99 cent Mexican cuisine in town, letting Paris and Nicole take over my life once more. Though I do take solace in the fact that Lindsay Lohan is in the same position:
Sparring socialites Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie came face to face at an Emmy Awards after-show party.Paris stayed on one side of the room with her pals Kimberly Stewart and Mary-Kate Olsen, while Nicole spent the night on the other with 'The OC' star Mischa Barton.
However, Lindsay Lohan - who has remained friends with both stars - was reportedly forced to keep flitting from one group to the other to keep both Paris and Nicole happy.
Poor Lindsay. At least I'll always have my burritos. I'd give her one too, but I don't want to see my babies thrown back up into the bottom of a toilet. They've done so much for me, and I owe them better than that.
Teri Hatcher is a damn fool
Page Six is reporting that after Felicity Huffman won the Emmy for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series, she wanted a picture with her castmates, most of whom happily complied, while Teri Hatcher refused.
For once, I'm going to avoid comments about Marcia Cross ripping off wigs or stealing babies or whatever other crazy things she did on Melrose Place, and I'm just going to say that Teri Hatcher needs to fire her dumbass publicist. Somebody with half a brain needs to make sure Hatcher is in every one of these picture, because if she isn't, no matter how legitimate the reason, we're all just content to assume she's a bitch. And that's probably not true. She dealt with Dean Cain for like four years, didn't she? In fact, she played second fiddle to Dean Cain for four years. There's no way she'd rather stand in Cain's shadow than in Huffman's. I'm telling you, there's no way. No, dude, fame doesn't always change people. Okay, you know what? If you keep second guessing me, I'm going to send Marcia Cross to steal your baby. End of story.
September 20, 2005
Rebecca Romijn Engaged to Jerry O'Connell
Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O'Connell got engaged in New York over the weekend. O'Connell's publicist confirmed the details, though was unable to explain why a crotch-massagingly hot woman like Rebecca Romijn would ever agree to marry a guy like Jerry O'Connell.
Putting my detective skills to work, I figure either O'Connell has the most massive penis in the world, or he's holding Rebecca's mother captive in his basement. There might be other explanations, but I can't come up with anything else that makes sense. And considering there's no way Jerry O'Connell has a massive penis, let's just go ahead and assume there's an old woman living in a cage under his house eating nothing but bread and water.
Continue Reading "Rebecca Romijn Engaged to Jerry O'Connell"
Mariah Carey at Versace store opening in London
Standing next to Donatella Versace is probably the best way to avoid being made fun. Beef jerky woman is just too damn distracting to let you notice anything else. Mariah Careh could be completely naked and covered in tattoos and you'd still be like, "Damn, what's wrong with that woman's face on the right?"
Aniston to Oprah: "Shazam. It don't matter."
Not happy with the journalistic handjob she got from her Vanity Fair cover story, Jennifer Aniston appeared on Oprah yesterday to make it clear that if we don't support her, she will wander the world for all eternity, during which time the Earth's soil shall be barren, and will bring forth no grain she appreciates our uncoerced love and encouragement throughout these difficult times. Among other things, she spoke to Oprah about how she's finally found the strength to--
Screw it. Jennifer Aniston is not dead. That's the gist of it.
Joan Collins is old and kind of gross
72-year-old Dynasty star, Joan Collins, the woman who all our mothers wished they could be if only they didn't marry our loser dads and get knocked up on the honeymoon, has finally revealed how she looks so young for her age (pretending, for a second, that she isn't bald): good genes and frequently swimming in a giant Scrooge McDuck vault filled with make-up.
"I believe in lashings and lashings of make-up. The women I know who have worn it since they were teenagers look better than those who haven't because it protects your skin."
So lashings of make-up is all you need to be pretty? Uh, I think Joan Collins may have inadvertently exhibited how time is in fact cyclical, and how she's gotten so old that she's regressed back to being in the tenth grade. And a bit of a tramp. All that's left is for her to make out with Bobby McLeighton under the bleachers, get in trouble for calling Tracy Patterson fat in math class, and then get into a wet and wild catfight with Krystle Carrington in a lily pond. No, wait, that last thing was a scene from Dynasty. In her defence, Krystle was a self-righteous bitch. At least that's what my mother says when she watches Dynasty re-runs in the dark, reeking of scotch and muttering about what could have been.
Martha's crazy, y'all
Martha Stewart was the feature guest on The Late Show with David Letterman last night, and she managed to come off as a rational, optimistic woman who was fully in command of her life and her destiny. Then she kept referring to prison as "Yale," and while at first it was sort of cute in that "grandma calls vaginas 'love boxes'" sort of way, she eventually began to use the term almost involuntarily, and I'm sure that can't help refute the common belief that she's, you know, a few muffins short of a basket.
In fact, Page Six previously reported that after Cybill Shepherd played an incredibly unflattering Martha in two made-for-TV movies, Stewart had someone "rush deliver" a tape to her of Kathy Lee Gifford's interview with Shepherd on The Insider, which aired last week, so that she could delight as "Cybill starts crying when she talks about Martha in prison and how deplorable the conditions were."
Actually, no. That's really not so much crazy as it is awesome. Cybill Shepherd is rumored to be more insanely hellish than Martha Stewart and Naomi Campbell combined, and I recall hearing about how, during Cybill, she'd compare the number of lines she'd have to the number of lines Christine Baranski would have in order to make sure Baranski didn't get more spotlight than her. And nobody, but nobody, messes with C.Bar. I for one look forward to the day Martha finally snaps and upholsters some loveseats using Cybill's skin. It's a good thing.
September 19, 2005
Paris Hilton doesn't know what "contract" means
Apparently, Paris Hilton has been walking around telling people that she still doesn't know who her co-star will be in the new season of The Simple Life, despite it being abundantly clear that Nicole Richie is contractually obligated to take up the unenviable role. Meanwhile, as Paris Hilton traipses around Brazil with her pants on fire (possibly hanging from a telephone wire), Simple Life producers are trying to think of ways to get Hilton and Richie to appear together on camera.
Quite frankly, I don't know what the problem is. Just tell Paris that she's starring in the damn show alone, and then get Nicole to shuffle around sideways so that Paris doesn't see her. Or fold Nicole up and put her in Paris' purse. Or make Nicole lose a few more pounds, throw some mismatched designer rags on her, and tell Paris her new partner is Allegra Beck. It's not like the Hilton girl has a degree in noticing things.
Oh, and the article also mentions how Paris was eyeing Gisele Bundchen's ex-boyfriend because: a) God blessed her with an inordinate Gwyneth Paltow-level sense of entitlement, and she thinks she can follow Gisele; and b) she doesn't realize that her fiance's shipping tycoon/war profiteering/arms dealing/rich, rich, rich family could kill her as covertly or as noisily as they want, and nobody would notice or care.
Cocaine is awesome
Britain's News of the World revealed today that Kate Moss, who just broke up with junkie "husband" Pete Doherty, has had a number of cocaine-fueled orgies, lesbian affairs, and - wait for it, wait for it - lesbian orgies. While high as a kite, she's been known to bed Sadie Frost, British television star Davinia Taylor, Sadie Frost and Davinia Taylor, and finally, Sadie Frost and former husband Jude Law.
Whoa, whoa. Whoa. Are you telling me that if I have an Alaskan winter's worth of white powder up my nose, supermodels and trampy actresses will have orgies with me? Because that's not what the former drug dealer that came to speak to our high school health class said. And... he wouldn't lie to us, would he? Would he? Oh man, no way. What about that reformed prostitute? Or that spunky quadriplegic? Or... Mr. Goldenberg? Not Mr. Goldenberg! He taught us to believe in ourselves!
Um. If you'll excuse me, I have to go do some blow, have sex with some Johns, and recklessly dive into a pool of shallow water. Apparently high school was full of lies, and when I'm high, I actually am invincible.
Suddenly Shemale
Brooke Shields used to be almost-hot on Suddenly Susan (which I never watched, and even if I did, it certainly wasn't because I have a sick infatuation with Kathy Griffin), but recently she's been looking - how shall I put this? - fit to date Paula Abdul.
Tom Cruise tells me it's because of all the postpartum medication. But he also tells me that it's okay for platonic guy friends to get naked and cuddle and that his fiance totally doesn't mind. You guys, I think Tom Cruise may be a liar. And possibly gay. (Oh, put down the angry letter, Mr. Tom Cruise's Lawyer, it was a joke.)
Props to our friends at Hollywood Tuna for this delicious can of Tranny of the Sea.
(The large pictures have some nipple action and are possibly NSFW. I say "possibly" because I'm almost certain it's hairy man-nipple.)
Hulk Hogan flashes wife's Lizzie Grubman's coochie
I imagine I'd be a little more cautious of being lifted like that if I wasn't wearing any panties. Then again, I don't like it when people look at my vagina. But that's just me. I'm a prude.
NSFW image after the click.
Tori Spelling is single, fellahs. Come and get 'er!
(Oh, I'm sorry. Did that headline make you throw up in your mouth a little?)
"Actress" Tori Spelling, daughter of billionaire producer Aaron Spelling, and her filthy non-billionaire husband Charlie Shanian have reportedly split after a year of marriage.
From what I understand, it seems pretty clear that every time Spelling's husband looked at her, he saw a giant talking bag of money. So I'm going to go ahead and assume that he's finally become suspicious of how a bag of money could drink so much booze and have given him herpes. Because last I checked, money should buy happiness, not cold sores on your man-junk.
Emmys, apparently brought to you by Helen Keller
We all learned a lot last night at the 57th Annual Emmy Awards. For example, we learned that the Emmy voters are blind, deaf, and dumb. (Not that cute Penn & Teller-dumb, either. More like that annoying Jenna Elfman-dumb.) Felicity Huffman taught us that nice girls actually finish first, especially when they portray unlikable hypocrites on TV. Jeffrey Tambor and Jessica Walter taught us that being by far the best performer in your category means nothing unless your show is in its last season. Patricia Arquette taught us that, uh, ew. And of course, S. Epatha Merkerson didn't teach us anything, but did confirm that being elbow deep in your own cleavage while half-sobbing, half-laughing is comedy gold.
Oh yeah, and Arrested Development fans have something to teach the creators and cast of the highly overrated Everybody Loves Raymond. Namely that there are dozens of us, and we're all batshit crazy. So, yeah, good luck with that.
The list of winners after the jump.
Continue Reading "Emmys, apparently brought to you by Helen Keller"
Comment on The Superficial
After a ton of email calling me a stupid idiot-face for not having comments, the site finally has, uh, comments. The Superficial Posts section in the forums has been locked and will eventually be removed since a more traditional system has been put in place. The only catch is that you have to register with TypeKey before you can leave a comment. The process is free and takes about 45 seconds, and it's only in place to prevent comment spam and identity hijacking. If you don't feel right about registering with a middle-man, then you can just yell your comments at your computer and maybe somebody will hear them.
