September 15, 2005

Angelina loves/shames her kids

Dangerously sexy usurper, Angelina Jolie, is speaking out about her love for her adopted children, and the struggle of adjusting them to a healthy Western catch-22.

Zahara "has gained 6 lbs. ... We are calling her chubby. She's, you know, she's just a totally different baby."

And with that: hello Chubby, welcome to America, Land of Opportunity. (You'll never be as beautiful as your mother.) Please, we embrace excess. Take what you want; eat as much as you want. (Until you're 13, then the party's over, sister-friend.) We have given you the gift of freedom, upward mobility, and a carte blanche for irresponsible celebrity hedonism. (Just remember that your mother has carte blanche to all your boyfriends. She stole that bitch Aniston's guy and she'll take yours too. All I'm saying is that when you and your boyfriend fool around, do it at his house.) The world is now your oyster, your carefree playground. Here, you can be whoever you want to be. (Photoshop is your best friend.) Nobody will judge you. (Seriously, the airbrush tool. Look into it.) And remember, you can do anything if you just believe in yourself. (Fatty fatty bobalatty.)

Thanks to the hauntingly beautiful and perceptive Treena, for pointing out that "Angelina is, you know, mean."

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