September 09, 2005

Tyra Banks wants to be Oprah

Victoria's Secret model Tyra Banks, the producer and host of UPN's hit reality series "America's Next Top (Sears Catalogue) Model," will launch her new daytime talkshow, "The Tyra Banks Show," on Monday. The show will focus primarily on "the dreams, hopes and challenges of today's young women."

Really? That's it? You think that you can become the next Oprah with that? You're going to have jerk a lot more tears and eat a lot more jerked beef if you want to become as big as Oprah. And when I say big, I mean both professionally and physi-- what?

Oh.

Um. I would like to take this time to clarify that my earlier comment was by no means an insinuation that world-renowned television veteran and philanthropist, Oprah Winfrey, is any more or less woman than she should be. My intention was, in actuality, to discuss the saintly good will of our Daytime Television Savior, without whom the world would be a dark and uninhabitable wasteland, devoid of all meaning and hope. At this time, I would like to extend my most sincere and heartfelt apologies for any possible misinterpretation of my comment, and dutifully ask for the pity of the Just and Powerful Oprah, in exchange for which I vow assemble a three-score legion of soccer moms to crush Those Who Scorn Oprah And Were, In Another Time, Known as Hermes. Such would be the will of The Alpha, of The Omega, of The Oprah.

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