August 26, 2005
Jennifer Aniston doesn't lock doors
Some guy named David Hesterbey was arrested yesterday when he entered Jennifer Aniston's home through an unlocked door and told one of her employees that he was "looking for Jennifer." When another employee confronted him, he got scared and left the house, jumping a fence and running toward the beach where he was eventually arrested. I think this should serve as a reminder to all sex offenders of just how easy it is to enter a celebrity's home and have totally illegal sex with them. You'd think with the millions of dollars they have, they could at least hire an official 'door locker' or pay the maid an extra $5 a month to do it. There's really no reason for it be that easy to get inside Jennifer Aniston's house. I can understand it if you're a ninja or Vince Vaughn's penis, but not some idiot off the street named David Hesterbey.
Natalie Portman has a mohawk
I'm not Natalie Portman's mom, so it's not my place to tell her how she should look in public, but her choice of mohawk is pushing the limits of my brain's ability to comprehend. If she really hates being attractive, she should save herself the trouble of getting weird haircuts and just dip her head into a vat of acid. Although that would probably kill her, so maybe not. Plus, where would she get a vat of acid? You and your crazy ideas.
Russell Crowe settles phone incident
Russell Crowe has reached a settlement with Nestor Estrada - the New York hotel clerk he threw a telephone at - and it's way lower than the original $11 million that was reported. He was arraigned in Manhattan Criminal Court and agreed to pay Estrada $100,000 with "both sides [expressing] satisfaction at the resolution". Don't get me wrong, $100,000 is still a lot of money, but it's nothing compared to $11 million. I figure the judge had previously just thrown out the craziest number he could think of so that when Russell was told the actual settlement, he would be happy as hell. "$11 million? I'll have to kill you now Nestor, you son of a bitch. Oh wait, just $100,000? Sweet."
Kevin Federline gets a job
After nearly a year of marriage, Kevin Federline has finally found a job as a temp instructor at Darrin Henson's dance school in Los Angeles. He's not fooling anybody with his "dancing credentials" though. I've watched So You Think You Can Dance so I know that if he's a real dancer he has to be a flaming homosexual who wears unbuttoned see-through shirts. So either he's not really a dancer and shouldn't be teaching, or he's incredibly gay and his marriage to Britney is a hoax. Either way, he should quit his job and focus on trimming the pubic hair off his face. Or leave it, and get a new job as Pube-Face: The man with a face full of pubic hair.
Vince Vaughn gets dropped
Vince Vaughn has been dropped by his longtime public relations firm I/D PR. According to an insider, "Vince was being abusive," though a partner at the firm said, "There is no truth to negative portrayals of Vince. We continue to have an amicable relationship and wish him continued success." Vaughn's reps at United Talent Agency didn't return calls, but when I bumped into him on the street and asked him about it, he punched me in the face and said, "That's how we do it in the OC." Which is actually kind of odd, because we were in New York at the time and Vince was born in Minnesota. What a crazy character.
Nicky Hilton is popular with brides
Nicky Hilton has agreed to be Nicole Richie's bridesmaid, despite Nicole's falling out with Paris. "My friend Nicole Richie is also engaged so I'm in the bridal party for that one too," Nicky told reporters. "I've got some organizing to do. I've never been to a bachelorette party so I don't know where to start." And despite reports from the shockingly accurate News of the World that Paris has broken off her engagement to Paris, Nicky also says that she's busy with Paris' wedding and needs to help her pick out a dress designer. And although I'm sure they'll go with somebody like Versace, I think it would be funny if they agreed on a dress from Walmart. Get it? Because she's rich. The irony would be hilarious.
August 25, 2005
Ciara tears pants at Good Morning America concert
I don't really know who Ciara is and I don't really know what she does, but something embarrassing happens to her every few months or so and she gets herself talked about in all the gossip circles. The last time was when everybody thought she was a hermaphrodite, and now it's because she ripped her pants at the Good Morning America concert and flashed her hairy crotch. Unfortunately, the rip was enough to show some pubes, but not enough to determine if there was a little penis tucked in there, leaving the hermaphrodite question up in the air. At any rate, I predict the next time I mention Ciara will be when she accidentally gets her head stuck in a toilet and shoots explosive diarrhea all over the Queen of England.
The Forums are sweet
I haven't been bringing up the forums lately because they were going through a rough startup phase. However, most of the kinks have been worked out and they're really starting to shape up nicely. I know a lot of members were initially put off by the abundance of idiocy, but the problems have been dealt with and the forums are a friendlier, more gentle place now. I recommend you check it out if you haven't already done so. Or, if you have, to give it another chance.
For people still having difficulty with registration or confirmation emails, please contact forums@thesuperficial.com and include your email address and the username you used to register.
Scarlett Johansson and Josh Hartnett move in
According to a friend of the couple, Scarlett Johansson and Josh Hartnett are planning to move in together, though a rep says nothing has been confirmed. The source told Star magazine, "They're discussing moving in together in NYC. I know that they have already started looking at places to buy in SoHo and the West Village." I guess now would be a good time to implement Phase A of my plan to make out with Scarlett Johansson: kill Josh Hartnett and assume his identity. It'll be tough to drop all my muscle mass and shrink my enormous penis, but I think I can pull it off if I really dedicate myself to it. Sometimes you just have to make sacrifices if you want to take over another person's life for the sole purpose of making out with their girlfriend.
Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston spotted
Despite their vehement denial that they're not a couple, voyeuristic reader Jeff spotted Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston at the House of Blues acting friendlier than allowed by typical friend standards.
i was just at the house of blues in chicago at a Dwight Yoakem concert and Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston showed up together and were hugging and kissing and dancing together...if they aren't dating then it's the biggest lie in town.
I'm not a psychic genie so I can't confirm the tip, but I can tell you that Jeff is a citizen of the utmost integrity and would never tell a lie. I heard that he once entered an honesty contest against Abraham Lincoln and was so much more honest than him that Abe actually turned into the Devil.
Justin Timberlake wins money
Justin Timberlake won libel damages yesterday from The News of the World which reported that he cheated on Cameron Diaz with model Lucy Clarkson. This just goes to show you that if you're going to write things about a celebrity, you should at least check some facts and make sure it's remotely true. That said, I hear Justin Timberlake dressed up as a ninja last week and punched a woman in the belly. A pregnant woman.
August 24, 2005
Kate Moss moves to Los Angeles
Kate Moss has just thrown down $3 million on a condo in Los Angeles in the Sierra Towers building on Doheny Drive, which also houses such celebrities as Lindsay Lohan and Matthew Perry. Her last visit to Los Angeles was two months ago when she briefly broke up with Pete Doherty. They're back together now, though friends and family have begged her to leave him because of his drug addiction and extreme unmanliness. They've also begged her to walk around naked so that men everywhere can rejoice, but still she insists on putting on pants. What a prude.
Sienna Miller scratches arms
Sienna Miller's was photographed with red slashes up her arm and some people are concerned about her health. One witness says the cuts looked sore, red, and raw, but her spokesman says Sienna simply scraped her arm against some rocks while swimming in the rough ocean last weekend. That makes sense though, since nobody would be stupid enough to cut themself over Jude Law. Bill Murray maybe, but not Jude Law. It's hard to get emotionally worked up over somebody who has a small wiener.
Michael Moore is fat
Michael Moore has enrolled in a $3,800 per week fat farm - the Pritikin Longevity Center and Spa in Aventura, Florida - in an attempt to lose weight. Moore is reportedly aiming to lose 12 pounds during the first three weeks, though somebody should inform him that 12 pounds is pretty worthless when you already weigh 300 pounds. I admire that he's not going the route of liposuction, but I really doubt that fat bastard has what it takes to lose weight the natural way. What he should be more concerned about doing is shaving that horrible excuse for facial hair he has going on. When you can throw down $3,800 per week at a spa, it'd be nice if you could look slightly more presentable than the homeless man who lives in the subway.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie go to museum
Brad Pitt took Angelina Jolie and her son Maddox to the Royal Tyrrell Museum near Drumheller on Saturday after they came to visit him in Canada, where he'll start filming The Assassination Of Jesse James next week. The museum's spokeswoman says, "They did not ask us to close the museum or for an after-hours visit or any special treatment. They arrived around 7pm and stayed for an hour. The other people in the museum at the time were very respectful. The only unfortunate thing was that word leaked out and quite a crowd collected outside the main entrance, so we had to find an alternate exit for them. They are both very down-to-earth people and most appreciative." How come nobody ever writes articles about me when I visit museums? I mean I don't - because I'm not a nerd - but it'd be nice if I didn't have to axe somebody to death everytime I want a little newspaper attention. They've obviously got nothing better to do than write about museum visits, so they might as well feature a four or five page exposé on the time I went to In-N-Out and ordered a Double Double.
Jennifer Aniston loses panties
Jennifer Aniston hired security guards to watch her trailer door after she found out some pervert broke in and took several of her bras and panties, which later showed up for auction on eBay. I don't know why she would be so upset though, unless she had some terrible secret to hide. Say, incontinence? I guess if somebody stole my poo-stained panties I'd be pretty embarrassed too, but I don't crap my pants like Jennifer Aniston so that wouldn't be a problem for me.
August 23, 2005
Nicole Richie overheard
An employee at a Hollywood club writes in saying they overheard Nicole Richie and her friends making fun of Cameron Diaz's terrible skin and weird smile.
Okay, so I work at a club in Hollywood and Nicole Richie and a few of her friends came in and were hanging out and partying a few nights ago. Nicole was overheard putting in her two cents when Cameron Diaz's name was mentioned. Nicole said: " She (cameron) dresses like a scumbag, she's a hot mess." A petite brunette chick with N.R. added, "Her acne looks really bad." Nicole said: She doesn't even try to cover up the blotches or anything like that...she's no Britney that's for damn sure. Justin could've gotten MUCH better cuz he's still hot." Brunette chick: cameron's gettin' up there in age, don't know why he wants an old fuc$kin' broad like that." The last thing I heard was about C.D. mouth lookin' like the Joker when she smiles, think a 3rd girl made that comment either way it got N.R. whole table dying laughing.
I don't know about the acne thing, but that Joker comment is spot on. If they ever plan on bringing the Joker back into the Batman franchise, they should seriously consider cutting off the bottom half of Cameron Diaz's face and surgically attaching it to whoever is going to be playing the Joker. Although then they'd be left with an even better villain: Half-Face Girl. Get it? Because she has half a face. Man, coming up with villain names should be my full-time job.
Courtney Love denies pregnancy
Courtney Love has denied reports that she's pregnant with Steve Coogan's baby and her management has released an official statement saying, "Courtney Love wishes to make it clear that she denies recent stories suggesting she is pregnant or has had a relationship with Steve Coogan. She confirms that she and Steve are good friends and have met a few times in Los Angeles." The world can let out a collective sigh of relief now, knowing that a child won't be in the care of America's craziest woman. I'm not saying Courtney would make a bad mother, I just wouldn't be surprised if she killed her child by accidentally feeding it heroin because she was too drunk, high, or stupid to know any better. Plus she takes her clothes off in public a lot, which is something you really want mothers to be doing. And by mothers I mean Petra Nemcova.
Scarlett Johansson is a liar
According to photographers that witnessed the accident, Scarlett Johansson's car crash near Disneyland had nothing to do with being chased by the paparazzi.
"When she was driving in to the parking lot, she was going very, very slow - maybe about 15 miles per hour - and she started veering to the left. It was almost like when you drop something on the car floor and you try to pick it up. Or she could've been busy talking with the two friends she had in her car. I couldn't see what was going on inside of the car, but from the outside I could see that she wasn't at all being chased when she hit the other lady's car. The parking lot is confusing because it's very busy, so maybe she was unsure of whether she wanted to turn left or right. I'm guessing that because she veered to the left, she was unable to see the other car - the only other vehicle at the parking lot entrance at that time - from her blindside. That's when she slowly slammed into the other car. The nearest cars to them at the time of the accident were at least 40 yards away, and none of them contained paparazzi. It was just regular oncoming traffic. I know, because there was another set of photographers that with the traffic at the stoplights. I'm sure Disneyland has video cameras at its entrance to prove that this is what happened. To be honest, we'd have been happier snapping pictures of Scarlett on the rides with her friends. We never in a million years thought we'd end up taking shots of a road accident, and obviously that's not what we set out to do. We were as surprised as everyone else, because everything was in such a slow motion when the cars hit each other."
So it looks like Scarlett Johansson crashed her car, saw the paparazzi pop out and start taking pictures, and decided to make up an excuse that she was trying to escape them. As beautiful as she is, that's just plain lame. Nobody likes the paparazzi, but that doesn't mean you can just blame them for stuff that isn't their fault. It's like when you make a huge fart in the elevator and then tell everybody it was the fat guy next to you. Sure he's fat and everybody will be like, "Oh, the fat guy farted again," but that doesn't make it okay. Hilarious maybe, but not okay.
Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt divorced
A judge has signed off on Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt's divorce, though their marriage won't officially be over until October 2 - six months after the divorce papers were served by Aniston. Additionally, legal papers obtained by Extra reveal that neither Jennifer nor Brad has asked for alimony and their Beverly Hills mansion has been put up for sale. This seems like a pretty amicable separation, though there's really no reason for it to be. If my husband was having sex with Angelina Jolie, not only would I try to take every penny that he was worth, I'd also make sure that his testicles were accidentally crushed by a swinging golf club.
Jessica Alba likes old gross people
This is horribly disturbing, but Jessica Alba has admitted that she's into old and disgusting men. When asked about her ideal dream partners, she replied, "Morgan Freeman, Sean Connery, Robert Redford, Michael Caine. I have this thing for older men. They've been around and know so much." I guess now would be a good time to let Jessica know that I'm actually a filthy rich actor who's 98-years old. Not that it matters though, because I could never be with a woman whose ideal lover is Morgan Freeman. That's like saying my ideal car is a trash can with wheels attached. It might be awesome for the first day or so, but then you'd realize that it drives like crap and it's a fucking trash can.
August 22, 2005
Nicole Richie nipple slip at Cabana Club
I defy you to look at these pictures of Nicole Richie at the Cabana Club and say she doesn't look fabulous. That oddly oversized head, those wiry limbs; don't even pretend that you've never dreamed about having sex with a real life extraterrestrial before. I've seen the way you watch E.T. with your pants down. You can't hide it from me.
Courtney Love is pregnant
Courtney Love and Steve Coogan reportedly had a two-week fling and now Courtney claims that she is pregnant with his child. This is fantastic news, because I've always said that Courtney Love would make a great mother and is totally capable of taking care of a human baby. Oh wait, that wasn't me. That was nobody. See, because Courtney Love is the biggest mess of a woman that the world has ever seen, and my bowl of cereal could take better care of a child than she could.
Jenny McCarthy files for divorce
Jenny McCarthy and her husband John Asher have filed for divorce after almost six years of marriage, citing irreconcilable differences. I guess that's what happens when your husband is trying to direct a movie and all you do is insist on doing nude scenes (NSFW). Maybe Jenny could have saved their marriage if she had tried to push some graphic vaginal penetration into the movie along with the nude stuff. The only thing husbands like more than having other men see their wives nude is having other men see their wives having sex. On screen. With other men.
Madonna still likes horses
Madonna says she's eager to return to horse-riding despite breaking a bunch of bones last week when she was thrown from her horse. She's been warned by doctors that her injuries, which include a broken hand and three cracked ribs, could take three months to heal, but says, "I am grateful and overwhelmed by everyone's good wishes. As soon as the doctors give me the OK, I expect to be right back on a horse and ride again." If I was thrown off a horse and broke a bunch of my bones, I wouldn't try to get back on and ride it after I healed. Instead, I'd hunt down that son of a bitch and kick him in the nuts. And then I'd call his mom a dirty whore and sleep with his sister. Although now that I think about it, his sister is probably also a horse, so maybe not. Unless, of course, she's really hot and has huge horse boobs.
Scarlett Johansson crashes car
Scarlett Johansson crashed into a woman and her two daughters last Friday while swerving to get away from paparazzi who were chasing her near Disneyland, California. An eyewitness said, "The front of Scarlett's Mercedes damaged the side of the other car pretty badly. Scarlett looked really shaken up and when both cars pulled over in a safe spot, she apologised profusely to the other woman. After that, they spent around 40 minutes on their phones, sorting out all of their insurance and legal paperwork." Scarlett's publicist, Marcel Pariseau, confirmed, "The fender bender was induced by the paparazzi, who chased her for 45 minutes." This is why all celebrities should have rocket launchers installed into their cars like James Bond. Not only would it result in the action-packed deaths of paparazzi, it would also make for some pretty sweet entertainment for spectators. I challenge you to watch Scarlett Johanson blow up some paparazzi with her car rockets and not have a good time.
